I'm on probation and an electronic tag with a nighttime curfew and I've broken it three times. Please don't lecture me, I already get that from my probation officer, NHS staff and my mother. What nobody sees or cares about is I feel emotionally unsupported and that people hate me.
Each time it's been to do with getting drunk, losing control, having a meltdown in public, then being taken to A&E or police cells where they won't release me on time for the curfew. I know I should stop drinking, please don't tell me the obvious. I just get moments of awful weakness where I feel everything is bleak and it feels no one cares or will listen and I get scared and, without thinking it through, in emotional mode, start drinking.
I'm scared I might go to prison because of violating 3 times. Even though none involved a serious offence such as assault, robbery etc. I've been told by the judge to stop drinking. Yes, I know I'm an idiot! I've been mentally unwell for years.
It's a combination of people in general scaring me by the way they behave (because that's happened for years anyway, I get judged by people for looking/acting weird), the way the probation officer and alcohol counselling people are talking to me (in a condescending and sometimes belligerent way), feeling trapped, feeling hopeless, not having heard back from the woman I'm in love with... I feel like the whole world has rejected me. I've had years of struggling, trying to get somewhere and hardly anyone would ever listen to my point of view or needs.
In A&E a couple of days ago after a suicide attempt I was treated rudely by a doctor and nurse and had to wait an excessively long time to see mental health support, so long that I became overwhelmed, couldn't cope and sneaked out of the hospital.
When I've been taken to the police cells they me in there naked with only a blanket and I have to lie there for hours under a glaring light (that hurts my eyes) and stew in my misery. They open the latch loudly every 20 minutes so I can't sleep properly and keep saying "Are you alright?" and then just closing it again, it feels very unsettling. I have OCD too and hate being naked in contact with mattresses other people have used. After getting home I had to soap and wash every inch of my body.
Then it's the fact that wherever I go, the Samaritans, the police, A&E, etc. they don't get the pain I feel. And the women I fall in love with never feel the same. And people don't get why romance is such a big deal to me, it's not just romance, it's about having someone who will actually listen to your pain and feel it with you, it's about being able to let your hair down fully with one person, rather than spending your life tiptoeing around people you barely know and never knowing what the right thing to say is.
I don't know if I'm finished now. My mum is worried sick too. If I went to prison I'm not sure I'd cope. I'm small and sensitive, I got bullied badly in school, I can't see how I would fare well in a jail. It's a weird situation I'm in that feels Kafkaesque, where I'm frequently facing nightmarish situations. I wish I could just have that woman I love to hug and hold her hand, and her to tell me everything will be okay. I'm on the brink of my sanity.
Apologies if this post annoys anyone, but please as I said I don't want to be lectured, I already know how much I've messed up. I'm not like most people, I'm more like a dog, I need a lot of reassurance. My mum helps me with lots of things but she can't always be there for me, she has other children, a husband and friends too. I used to get support workers but that was stopped because I couldn't get along with them, I felt they were emotionally unhelpful and making a mockery/questioning excessively the way I am, not accepting me. I just sound like a melodramatic diva don't I? Well we're not all the same on the spectrum, some of us are savvy and able to not be emotional, others like me are unstable. I've never had a stable relationship except with my mother and a few friends in school who all fell out with me. And also sometimes professionals, the ones who were kind. Most my interactions with people have been fraught with nervous energy and a sense of nausea as Jean-Paul Sartre would put it, a feeling of alien otherness, a deep and awful separation from the person I'm with - such as several guitar teachers I had, teachers and students in college, people I volunteered with. At times I feel like a ghost, that I'm not even real, because I'm so unable to connect with most people.
Ah, I think I'm just repeating myself mostly anyway. Deja vu. I've probably written most of this before.
