I'm emotionally unstable

Reading this was like reading large chunks of my own life story.  The drinking, the suicide attempts, the cells, the alienation, the Kafkaesque nightmare.  I don't think I can offer much to help you because we all have our own roads to tread and each of us has to do it in our own way, working through these difficulties as best we can or not, hoping it will all come to an end but never sure how that will happen.  For me, for what it may be worth (and please, this isn't me telling you what to do), my turning point came when I was able to finally stop drinking.  But it took a lot of time and effort, with attendance at specialist units and detoxs, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, because it was essentially about making a 'do or die' decision.  Then it was about trying to make my life as simple and manageable as possible, and also for me that meant having to forego emotional relationships for a long time.  I had to make a decision about what I wanted from life and whether I even wanted to continue living it.  I decided I did.  But I couldn't all the while my emotions were all over the place, because it kept drawing me back to the bottle and making suicide seem the best and only option.  All I can say is, it was incredibly hard.  Even now I'm still struggling along.  But sobriety and simplicity are certainly helping me.  I didn't really find any answers in any outside agencies, who mostly seemed hostile or indifferrent to me.  Even my family.  Mostly I had to rely on myself.  Which meant having some faith in myself, which I'd almost been conditioned not to have, having been rejected at every juncture by people and society.  Like I said, I don't know if any of this can be helpful to you, but I thought you might be comforted at least to hear from a fellow traveller in those tunnels.  I hope things will work out for you.  I'm glad you shared this, and I hope the sharing has also helped you in some way to begin to make sense of things.  I find that writing it all down constantly, in the starkest details, usually helps me.  Just as a thought, have you considered writing a memoir, even if it's a fictionalised one?  Would putting it all down be a way of attempting to deal with it?

The only other 'advice' I would give is to go easy on yourself.  You are not an idiot.  Nor are you a drunk, a loser, a waster or any other name you might think of calling yourself (I called myself all of them too).  You are unwell.  And you are a human being, as entitled to help and a voice as anyone else.

Reading this was like reading large chunks of my own life story.  The drinking, the suicide attempts, the cells, the alienation, the Kafkaesque nightmare.  I don't think I can offer much to help you because we all have our own roads to tread and each of us has to do it in our own way, working through these difficulties as best we can or not, hoping it will all come to an end but never sure how that will happen.  For me, for what it may be worth (and please, this isn't me telling you what to do), my turning point came when I was able to finally stop drinking.  But it took a lot of time and effort, with attendance at specialist units and detoxs, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, because it was essentially about making a 'do or die' decision.  Then it was about trying to make my life as simple and manageable as possible, and also for me that meant having to forego emotional relationships for a long time.  I had to make a decision about what I wanted from life and whether I even wanted to continue living it.  I decided I did.  But I couldn't all the while my emotions were all over the place, because it kept drawing me back to the bottle and making suicide seem the best and only option.  All I can say is, it was incredibly hard.  Even now I'm still struggling along.  But sobriety and simplicity are certainly helping me.  I didn't really find any answers in any outside agencies, who mostly seemed hostile or indifferrent to me.  Even my family.  Mostly I had to rely on myself.  Which meant having some faith in myself, which I'd almost been conditioned not to have, having been rejected at every juncture by people and society.  Like I said, I don't know if any of this can be helpful to you, but I thought you might be comforted at least to hear from a fellow traveller in those tunnels.  I hope things will work out for you.  I'm glad you shared this, and I hope the sharing has also helped you in some way to begin to make sense of things.  I find that writing it all down constantly, in the starkest details, usually helps me.  Just as a thought, have you considered writing a memoir, even if it's a fictionalised one?  Would putting it all down be a way of attempting to deal with it?

The only other 'advice' I would give is to go easy on yourself.  You are not an idiot.  Nor are you a drunk, a loser, a waster or any other name you might think of calling yourself (I called myself all of them too).  You are unwell.  And you are a human being, as entitled to help and a voice as anyone else.

I find your story inspiring.  Thank you. I like what you have to say because it resonates with my own experience. Outside agencies seem hostile to me at the moment (though there may be some more helpful ones I'm unaware of). I think you're probably right, I need to mainly find a way myself of stopping the demon drink from tempting me. 

It did help me sharing this here. I quite like the fictionalised memoir idea too. 

You did well to have faith and get to where you are now. Who knows, maybe I can get to a better place too.