Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think that I was just a human being who didn't fully understand how to be a human being - because every other human being (aside from my parents) seemed to reject me.
Now, post-diagnosis, I no longer feel that way.
Instead, I feel like an alien, inhabiting the wrong planet.
Whatever I do, I can't change that feeling.
I used to feel that my diagnosis gave me some form of validation. I was a human being with a difference.
Now, I just feel that it consolidates my status as an alien.
I'm on the wrong planet.
I think it is like a stim, I'll be listening to music with my headphones on the computer bopping away and feel like I'm the best dancer in the world, obvs not as I have 2 left feet but makes me feel good. I always make sure nobody else is around though, and if they catch me I'm so embarrassed.
I've been doing it a lot lately and always feel better.
Yes, I recognise this. I used to go to nightclubs not for the chance of a pick-up, but to hear the music and dance to it - even though I can't dance. It touched something inside me. Even now, I'll sometimes play loud dance music and move around to it - not to attract someone's attention, but merely to feel that freedom of movement and expression. Almost like stimming.
Maybe it is.
I can recognise that, I've always felt like an Alien and from the wrong planet.
When I was younger I used to love going to night clubs, mainly because I loved to dance but more for the beat of the music and not hearing or needing to hear all the chatter and small talk.
The one thing I did used to do though was watch all the 'earthlings' copping off with one another, to me it was like I was David Attenbourgh watching another species for the first time look for a mate to procreate with.
I'll never see him the same again.
I think sometimes even us with an ASC are as different from one another as NTs in some ways, there is always that human element.