Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think that I was just a human being who didn't fully understand how to be a human being - because every other human being (aside from my parents) seemed to reject me.
Now, post-diagnosis, I no longer feel that way.
Instead, I feel like an alien, inhabiting the wrong planet.
Whatever I do, I can't change that feeling.
I used to feel that my diagnosis gave me some form of validation. I was a human being with a difference.
Now, I just feel that it consolidates my status as an alien.
I'm on the wrong planet.
I've taken to saying I feel like I'm in another country - I've learned the language and studied the culture so I'm able to function pretty well... but I'm not a native.
This leads to issues where I might understand the words someone speaks but miss the 'real' meaning 'cos within the cultural context it's not the same as the literal meaning of the words.
Equally, I cause offence because (in this hypothetical country) I'll say something innocent like "Your garden is very pretty" and get a slap because I don't know that what that means here is "Are you a prostitute?"...
When I speak in my native language and behave in a way that is normal for 'my country' the natives of my 'adopted' country react like I'm some kind of crazy/rude/intoxicated/weird person.
Translating everything I want to say and interpreting everything I hear from one language to another plus trying to also apply the correct cultural nuances is exhausting...
I'm yet to get a diagnosis but I've started to think that it'll help only in as much as how Sybil Fawlty would explain Manuel's behaviour with a wry "He's from Barcelona..." to understanding nods from whomever she was speaking to.
But along with their understanding nods, there always seemed to be a flicker of pity in their eyes...
I'd agree with this - there's also the tiny time-delay whilst I translate the language in my head that breaks conversation flow and makes people think I'm a bit odd.