Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think that I was just a human being who didn't fully understand how to be a human being - because every other human being (aside from my parents) seemed to reject me.
Now, post-diagnosis, I no longer feel that way.
Instead, I feel like an alien, inhabiting the wrong planet.
Whatever I do, I can't change that feeling.
I used to feel that my diagnosis gave me some form of validation. I was a human being with a difference.
Now, I just feel that it consolidates my status as an alien.
I'm on the wrong planet.
I've taken to saying I feel like I'm in another country - I've learned the language and studied the culture so I'm able to function pretty well... but I'm not a native.
This leads to issues where I might understand the words someone speaks but miss the 'real' meaning 'cos within the cultural context it's not the same as the literal meaning of the words.
Equally, I cause offence because (in this hypothetical country) I'll say something innocent like "Your garden is very pretty" and get a slap because I don't know that what that means here is "Are you a prostitute?"...
When I speak in my native language and behave in a way that is normal for 'my country' the natives of my 'adopted' country react like I'm some kind of crazy/rude/intoxicated/weird person.
Translating everything I want to say and interpreting everything I hear from one language to another plus trying to also apply the correct cultural nuances is exhausting...
I'm yet to get a diagnosis but I've started to think that it'll help only in as much as how Sybil Fawlty would explain Manuel's behaviour with a wry "He's from Barcelona..." to understanding nods from whomever she was speaking to.
But along with their understanding nods, there always seemed to be a flicker of pity in their eyes...
I wrote a piece to try to explain what it's like to be an Aspie and used the example of someone going on holiday, but landing in the wrong country and being stranded there, with no understanding or the language, culture or customs.
I'd agree with this - there's also the tiny time-delay whilst I translate the language in my head that breaks conversation flow and makes people think I'm a bit odd.