Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think that I was just a human being who didn't fully understand how to be a human being - because every other human being (aside from my parents) seemed to reject me.
Now, post-diagnosis, I no longer feel that way.
Instead, I feel like an alien, inhabiting the wrong planet.
Whatever I do, I can't change that feeling.
I used to feel that my diagnosis gave me some form of validation. I was a human being with a difference.
Now, I just feel that it consolidates my status as an alien.
I'm on the wrong planet.
I can recognise that, I've always felt like an Alien and from the wrong planet.
When I was younger I used to love going to night clubs, mainly because I loved to dance but more for the beat of the music and not hearing or needing to hear all the chatter and small talk.
The one thing I did used to do though was watch all the 'earthlings' copping off with one another, to me it was like I was David Attenbourgh watching another species for the first time look for a mate to procreate with.
I'll never see him the same again.
I think sometimes even us with an ASC are as different from one another as NTs in some ways, there is always that human element.
Reading that has just really resonated with my own youth... the times I'd go out clubbing and if the DJ was dropping the right tunes I'd spend the whole night on the dancefloor and come home a sweaty wreck!
I'll still put a tune on with a heavy beat when I'm feeling stressed - I feel like I dissolve into the music and the anxiety just ebbs away...
Yes, I recognise this. I used to go to nightclubs not for the chance of a pick-up, but to hear the music and dance to it - even though I can't dance. It touched something inside me. Even now, I'll sometimes play loud dance music and move around to it - not to attract someone's attention, but merely to feel that freedom of movement and expression. Almost like stimming.
Maybe it is.