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Feeling low / deflated

I'm done with Christmas Cards

You can probably tell from the number of posts I'm making that I'm feeling the need for support or just camaraderie. I had my evaluation a week ago, I thought Christmas had come early, but then found that I would have to wait 5 or 6 weeks to hear the result. It's such an anti-climax. I feel like I'm in limbo. I've never been good at "thinking about something else" when I'm obsessed with something, which is now my diagnosis.

This is all in the context that as I've turned 50 I've been looking for the last decade or so for something to fill the hole that "most people" fill by turning away from academic/work/material success/pursuits to "relationships, friendships, family and activities". None of this seems to work for me because I have no friends other than 1 or 2 that I keep in contact with via SMS and an occasional coffee, and I've decided that I'd rather be at home than going "out" anywhere or on holiday (which I can no longer afford anyway now I'm working 4 days a week). Anything that got me excited as a 20/30 something (learning, science, sex, getting a nice house / car) doesn't anymore or isn't available to me. Following my burnout I'm staying away from "championing" anything at work because I can't risk another burnout & I have no energy for it anyway. So at the moment I'm existing and it's not very fulfilling. I have a lovely wife and we enjoy sitting with our dogs in the evening watching TV then I'm usually tired by 9.30 and back to bed to start again. I run, go to the gym, and I'm physically healthy, but I lack joy and purpose. I don't want to pick up new hobbies particularly because I feel that I've done it all before. Recently on the way home from somewhere local my wife suggested a quick detour because the Red Arrows were doing a display only a couple of miles away and my answer was "I'm not bothered really - I've seen them before".

Sorry to be such a ray of sunshine.

Parents

  • Hi

    You are very much at a cross-roads at the moment in waiting for your diagnostic result (I am not far behind you as have my first autism assessment tomorrow).

    Please be kind to yourself and I am glad that you are leaning on this community and your dear wife and dogs for support also.  It may be worth considering what you feel a diagnostic result will make you feel?  Are you hoping that a positive diagnostic outcome will be transformational and provide certainty about who you are and how you experience existence?

    best wishes

    Ellie

  • in reply to .

    Hi Ellie, thanks for replying. Yes I've been asked that question a few times. I guess I'm looking for some kind of closure, and yes part of me wants to wave my diagnosis at my family and say "See! all those times that........I wasn't just being difficult!". I'm anxious about getting a negative diagnosis, as that leaves me without the explanation that I'm clinging to. Logically I know it could be a false negative, but I really would like confirmation that my brain is wired atypically and that I'm not just whining about life being difficult.

    I know that a positive diagnosis won't be a magic pill or transformational, but it would make me happy and relieved. I do know too that the diagnostic report itself should be really valuable.

    I've learned many things so far on this journey and being kind to myself is one of the main ones (saying no to things that exhaust me for e.g.). Maybe, having cleared these out of my life, I need things that I can say "yes" to :-).

    Hope your evaluation goes well by the way - is it "the big one" or a screening?

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Mine is the initial first assessment... I submitted 30 pages of support documentation to get that far... and alot of chasing.

    regardless of the diagnostic outcome.. remember you are asking people to accept not autism but YOU!... 

    YOU still exist even if the diagnostic label is not there.

    Slight smile

    I tend to be a yes person as well. to people please as I crave acceptance and fear rejection... trying to take a slower path and a kinder one... so stick to that mantra 

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    But first... self-acceptance....

    “The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” 
    ― Mark Twain

  • in reply to .

    Oh I can relate to being a "yes" person. So many people say I'm a really nice guy - what they don't know is that I always bend over backwards because I fear conflict and disapproval, and crave approval.

    As my username says, I'm fed up with doing stuff because other people expect it. This year for the first time I was brave enough to send no Christmas cards, having hated every minute of feeling the pressure to do it for the last 40-odd years. So I'm getting there with the "being me" thing!

    Acceptance seems to be the watchword for life at the moment.

Reply
  • in reply to .

    Oh I can relate to being a "yes" person. So many people say I'm a really nice guy - what they don't know is that I always bend over backwards because I fear conflict and disapproval, and crave approval.

    As my username says, I'm fed up with doing stuff because other people expect it. This year for the first time I was brave enough to send no Christmas cards, having hated every minute of feeling the pressure to do it for the last 40-odd years. So I'm getting there with the "being me" thing!

    Acceptance seems to be the watchword for life at the moment.

Children