You can probably tell from the number of posts I'm making that I'm feeling the need for support or just camaraderie. I had my evaluation a week ago, I thought Christmas had come early, but then found that I would have to wait 5 or 6 weeks to hear the result. It's such an anti-climax. I feel like I'm in limbo. I've never been good at "thinking about something else" when I'm obsessed with something, which is now my diagnosis.
This is all in the context that as I've turned 50 I've been looking for the last decade or so for something to fill the hole that "most people" fill by turning away from academic/work/material success/pursuits to "relationships, friendships, family and activities". None of this seems to work for me because I have no friends other than 1 or 2 that I keep in contact with via SMS and an occasional coffee, and I've decided that I'd rather be at home than going "out" anywhere or on holiday (which I can no longer afford anyway now I'm working 4 days a week). Anything that got me excited as a 20/30 something (learning, science, sex, getting a nice house / car) doesn't anymore or isn't available to me. Following my burnout I'm staying away from "championing" anything at work because I can't risk another burnout & I have no energy for it anyway. So at the moment I'm existing and it's not very fulfilling. I have a lovely wife and we enjoy sitting with our dogs in the evening watching TV then I'm usually tired by 9.30 and back to bed to start again. I run, go to the gym, and I'm physically healthy, but I lack joy and purpose. I don't want to pick up new hobbies particularly because I feel that I've done it all before. Recently on the way home from somewhere local my wife suggested a quick detour because the Red Arrows were doing a display only a couple of miles away and my answer was "I'm not bothered really - I've seen them before".
Sorry to be such a ray of sunshine.
