Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So I am not actually sure what I am looking for but I guess a bit of reassurance that what am feeling is normal.I opted for a private diagnosis, I had my initial assessment on Friday, on the way to the appointment I was very anxious but during the appointment I was okay, the conclusion I had quite a few autistic traits and if a proceed to a full diagnosis mostly on the spectrum.
Even though it was what I was hoping for, I finally have an answer to why I am the way I am, and that my struggles are real and normal for an autistic person.
I should be happy but am not (I was recovering from a burn out and doing much better) but I am starting to feeling down again, I guess from the realisation I am not gonna snap out of it maybe, not quite sure, but since that appointment feeling alittle lost, When I did not think it would effect me,
Since I was told I started really positively.
I was very grateful for my of a Super Power which means I can rationalise pretty well everything to a point of reason and logic. I've not met an NT who can get near me in this regard, so I know I will always function in the top few percent of people and never have many of the worries that other people may have.
Then you realise what you are missing. And then you realise that you don't know what you might be missing.... and this is heartbreaking and very distressing.
I know I am missing empathy. I have many points which prove it. But what do I feel when my 18 month old falls over and bangs his head? I'm distressed that he might have done himself harm and there may be a consequence to his action which could affect his life. But do I feel sympathy? I don't know. If I am honest I doubt it. and then I am distressed that I don't 'love' my son. But I must! Surely! I would do anything for him! But how do I know? How the heck do I find the answer? My Super Power for reason and logic defeats me. It's cruel.
If my kid fell down I would NEVER have empathy or sympathy for him or even mention it, I can’t see the benefit in it.
My son is healthy and would never feel sorry for himself if he hurt himself. Whereas my neices, were all given that weird sympathy thing that lots of parents do and they all get ill from time to time and like lots of people, they love to talk about their illnesses whereas if my son was ever ill, you’d never know because he would never tell you about it, because why would he? He has never developed that habit that lots of people have, of talking about their illnesses and maybe because I didn’t do this with him. And far from feeling distressed about it, I’m utterly delighted. I wouldn’t want him to be one of those people who, when you say hi, how are you ~ they say ok and then tell you about their illness????? WTF?????? People who know me don’t do this to me any more because I’m like, why the f**k are you telling me how your f*****g hernia or how your cancer is or whatever it is they’ve got at any given time! My son hasn’t developed a love of illness and self pity like many other people and I’m glad he hasn’t.