Alexithymia again

I exist on "meh" most of the time I think. I'm gonna use that when people ask how I am. I'll just go "meh" at them!

Same here.  Never really saw the appeal of live concerts.  Also find 'holidays' to be a chore.  All these things that you feel you ought to be doing, because you're there.  All I ever really wanted to do was get back to the guest house or caravan and chill!

I once toured around the US on Greyhound buses and saw all the big sights: Grand Canyon, Devil's Tower, Niagara Falls, Mount Rushmore, Manhattan.  But at the end, I was just exhausted by it.  I was too bound up in 'seeing' things to really appreciate what it was all about.

As Alan Bennett once said: I don't like tourism.  Everything has been seen to death.

Funny that you should mention football matches - I have jokingly said for decades that I must be missing a gene that codes for giving a f*ck about football & now it seems that may not be too far from the truth! Someone once explained to me how wonderful it is to get wrapped up in the emotions of supporting your team and I couldn't relate to anything he was talking about.

Also interesting that you say you stand frozen if someone is crying; my wife says she experiences the same. She knows that someone probably would like a hug, and she'll hug them if they go to her, but she says for her to go to them it's like her feet are glued to the floor. We're both on the waiting list for evaluation!

I think these things explain why I never got very wrapped up in the tradition of going to pop concerts too (I've only ever been to one festival). I like music & play guitar and piano a bit, but I hate "going" to things that I can more easily listen to on my phone, HiFi or TV. I don't particularly like holidays either; a lot of fuss and expense over very little. I've had my fill of sun & pool holidays (taking care to steer well clear of the beach & sand!) and whilst seeing stuff sounds like a good bucket list thing, Wikipedia is less effort :-).

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

When I think of excitement and enthusiasm, I pretty much always go to me aged 11 sitting in a French lesson one afternoon, suddenly realising that it was about an hour until "home time" and I had a *stereo* alarm clock radio, with headphones & FM receiver, at home to play with.

Haha!  You and me both!  Except I did German, and all I could think about was getting home to play games on my own.  Actually, I was like that with most of my classes.

I experience extremes of emotion: romantic love, fear, depression.  But in between, my mood is just generally like you say.  Meh!  Nothing special either way.

I loved my ex-wife very much - I think.  By that I mean, I couldn't really show it.  I've never been much of one for close physical contact.  I  just thought she knew I loved her - so why would she want me to keep telling her that?

I loved my mother more than any other human being.  She was my world.  When she passed away, I was grief-stricken for about a day.  But then, I just carried on as normal.  I delivered a eulogy at her funeral with as much lack  of emotion as if I was reading out a notice to a classroom.  To this day, two years later, I have hardly shed any tears.  I think about her all the time.  Every week, I visit the site where her ashes are scattered and say a few words.  I'm surrounded by her things indoors (some might think to a morbid extent).  Every Wednesday, I keep a ritual of silence at the time she passed.  But I carry on as normal otherwise.  I feel an awful lot inside.  But I can't pin any single emotion down.

The things that really affect me at an emotional level are either when I'm working with the special needs clients at work - especially if I get a laugh or a smile.  That's a huge thing.  Other than that, it would be being with my cat, who means the world to me now. And other than that, it's usually things that are not really 'in the world' and which engage my imagination.  Getting lost in the narrative of a film or book, for instance.  Or when I'm writing.  Perhaps my biggest high now is when I write a piece of prose - a paragraph, or a story - that feels just right.  That's massive.  But it soon passes.

Events like air displays, motor races, football matches - take 'em or leave 'em.  I can't work up any  particular feeling about them one way or the other.

Happiness, for me, is pretty much over-rated.  It's transient, like an orgasm.  The  only time I feel 'happy' for extended periods is when I've had a few whiskies!  But that ends in feeling rough. I'll settle for 'contentment' instead.  Being content is under-rated.  But if you can go through  your day and say, on the whole, that you've been content, then that's a successful day in my book.  Okay... chuck a few 'happy' moments in there, too!

I'm not sure if it's alexithymia, but I've often wondered.  I have a lot of things going on inside me all the time, and I'd find it hard to pin down any particular emotion.  Likewise, I find it very hard to gauge the feelings of others - unless, again, they're at extremes: rage,  or tears.  I never know how to respond to someone in tears.  I find it very  disturbing.  I never know what to do.  Most people would give them a comforting arm, maybe.  I just stand frozen.  Even if someone asks me for a hug - such  as a client at work - I'll do it.  But I never feel easy about it, and I'm sure that must transmit to them.

At the same time, I feel huge amounts of compassion for people - especially the vulnerable.  I know that feeling.

But no... in a general sense, if someone asks me how I'm feeling, I can't give a straight answer.  So I just end up saying 'Okay, thanks'.