Published on 12, July, 2020
I have no friends at all anymore, i spend 97% of my time without seeing another human face. Perhaps dignitas could help me. There has to be a point where i call it a day.
Since my daughter died my social skills have evapourated entirely. I am retreating further and further into myself.
The future is bleak. I have no other children. No one seems to understand me. I am becoming agrophobic. I am a shadow of the person i used to be.
I am quite scared of the act of killing myself but if it where a button i could press that just turned out the lights, i would press it.
My isolation is near 100% complete. My mother and father (separated) support me but they cannot give me what i feel i need. If people could get by with the social interactions of their parents alone i could probably manage. I enjoy there company but after an hour or two i just feel i want to retreat to my home, lock the door and close the curtains.
This battle with depression has raged all my life and now with the magnitude of set backs ive experienced over the last couple of years, i feel the peak of my life has passed.
I honestly feel that the end for me is coming. Any attempt on my own life will not be a cry for help. It will be a very deliberate attempt. This is more than just depression. I do not see the logic in suffering for another 20-30 years. What purpose would it serve. The only people that would miss me are my parents.
I just wish i had a way of ending the suffering without suffering. Hence the dignitas reference.
I do want to die
Jings. Your life sounds very messy indeed. You are clearly in a very bad place because everything you have said sounds like you've already given up. When you're like that it's going to be extremely hard to be motivated enough to give anything a try and stick at it long enough to see if there is anything that will help. Unfortunately pretty much all help out there requires you to also try. NAS made contact and gave you information but you think they should be doing more.
Are there any mental health hospitals near you? Have you gone in to either one of those or your GPs and simply state that you are going to kill yourself and that you need help to stop you? I imagine that would get a response and may get some care in place.
Lastly, with the loss of your daughter. I have children and cannot imagine how you must feel. If that had happened to me and I was on my own, I imagine I would be following the same path as you. That's not helpful, I know, but the pain must be all consuming.
Please, try and get help. I've been where you are in terms of thinking nothing will ever get better, and despite it seeming that way, it can. It can take a lot of work, or it can take a chance event. But it won't happen if you're not here.
In the realms of suicidal thought, I would say this post is quite old now. To anyone reading this, I would take it as a snap shot of how seriously bad someone can feel when suffering from mental health. I don't feel like this right now but it is a feeling that comes and goes. Might I also add that I now currently believe that I am suffering from PTSD along with ASD.
Any kind of therapy requires co-operation and effort from the sufferer; this I agree with. The kind of help required when I was feeling like this had nothing to do with counselling, cbt, medication or anything like that. What is needed is intervention. When you are this low you need to be arrested (stopped in your tracks) and made safe. You need supervision until the moment passes and need to feel like people understand how you feel. I must stress that this was not a cry for help. If I am to continue feeling like this it would inevitably lead to my death.
NAS contacted me and met their legal obligation. 4 days later I had a complete breakdown and had helicopters, police and mountain rescue looking for me. I can only say that perhaps if NAS or anyone else reading this at the time had gone a little further, that may have been avoided all together. That's not to say I blame anyone for a perceived lack of support. I am simply saying that such intervention can mean the difference between life and death.
Suicide is the greatest killer of men under 45 in the UK annually. It is in effect a national emergency. My experience with the services available to people feeling like I did at that time to counter suicidal thoughts are woefully unsuitable. After being found by the police for example; I was subjected to a 7 hour wait in A & E before being seen. That wait alone is enough to drive someone to suicide. I will praise the emergency services for the effort they made in finding me as it must have come at great expense. I will also like to point out that as much as the police found me; the officers involved where unsympathetic and clearly had no mental health awareness. If I could go back to that moment, I would punch both officers in the face regardless of consequence.
I am not a weak person. I have been through more than most for a person of my age yet I am still here. When I felt as I did, I genuinely wanted to end my life. They say its a mental illness but is it really being unwell? There is a limit to human endurance and there can be good reasons that a person has to choose the ultimate alternative to life. The cure in circumstances like this has nothing to do with therapies and such. The cure is human compassion and love. It really is that simple. In my experience when you are not feeling good and are struggling in life, most people will shun and avoid you. It is a self perpetuating cycle that can lead to suicide. If someone you know is struggling, do more than turn up in their hour of need. Make a sustained attempt to involve them in your life if you care about them. Give them a sense of self worth. Make them feel like they matter to you. Share their grief and nurture them. This would be more effective than any medicine or therapy.
Do you know what I do like about this thread though? It’s something that I’ve found that I like about the whole forum. That is that what I have come to learn is that when one autistic person is struggling, whether that is me, you or someone else. other autistic people are very quick to gather around and offer support. Autistic solidarity, it’s a thing, and a good thing too
I completely agree with you. With regards family, I have no siblings, my dad’s dead and I don’t see my mum as she’s a very toxic person. My husband is always too preoccupied with talking to his friends on the phone to pay me much attention. I am however, very close to my eldest daughter. Do you have family that you feel could help you more if they tried?
With regards friends. I got a good book on social skills last year and have been learning social skills to good effect. I’ve made some good friends and improved relationships with existing friends and acquaintances. I’m no longer the quiet one in the corner with no one to talk to, I may still be a freak but I’m a freak that can now hold her own in social situations. While it can get exhausting and I do need to balance socialising with time out, overall this has had a really positive effect on my mental health. I’m a life long hair puller but I’ve managed to stop since improving my social skills and social circles. I do however realise that you may not be at the point where you want to throw yourself headlong into learning social skills and being a newly emerged social butterfly. Perhaps though a local social group for Aspergers/ASD may give some social contact without the pressure of the usual societal expectations?
With all that said I do believe that more needs to be done to increase the awareness of the general public about autism. Not just in a ‘oh let’s be friends with the autistic guy because that’s the cool and trendy thing to do right now’. But actually to educate about our differences in style of communication and understanding. Then maybe they can be more loving and nurturing rather than just tolerating.
Sorry I’m still half asleep so not sure if I’ve really replied to what you said or just gone ‘bleugh’ with whatever was in my head. But I do agree with what you said, that the love, nurture and support from those around you can be more effective than any medication or treatment.