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Feeling so alone

NAS51193

My husband and I have been together 15 years now. It’s only been this year that I’ve realised he has Aspergers and coming to this realisation was quite emotional. It took me months to get him to seriously talk about it too.

Realising that he cannot help the way he behaves and is actually completely oblivious to it, is something I am really finding hard to deal with. It also has put a lot in perspective when thinking back over the years.

This morning has been extremely difficult as his plans for the day were unexpectedly changed and this caused arguments, confusion and a total lack of understanding what to do next.

While I love him dearly, I am really struggling to cope with the total lack of affection, consideration and locked in routines. We haven’t shared with anyone really what he is dealing with so I feel so alone when I need to talk.

Anyone else feeling like this? What do you find helpful when days are bad?

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  • Hi NAS51193, I can relate to some of what you're saying. Over the years (married 15 years here) I've frustrated my wife by not wanting to "do stuff" (social stuff, family parties, holidays etc) and wanting to stick to a routine. We've recently realised though, that we are likely *both* ASD, which is why we work so well together, up to a point. Obviously it affects each of us differently, though my wife now seems very comfortable with cutting out the social stuff now the kids have grown up and we are effectively an empty nest and enjoying that very much. 

    Our equivalent struggle is possibly that I crave physical attention and she doesn't. That's the only fly in the ointment, but sometimes it seems like a very big fly. But where our experience is similar to yours is possibly the "long slog" of nothing changing.We've been to various couples therapists over the last decade and I'm finally coming to acceptance of the way she feels - but it's not easy and I sometimes get incredibly frustrated. 

    When days are bad, yes talking on forums like this helps. We also talk to each other in a very disciplined and caring way, and that helps us both. When I don't want to burden her I'm afraid that alcohol and looking for affection online have been my frustrated outlets. I also struggled with gambling addiction for 5 years, but thankfully I hit it so hard that I confirmed to the part of my brain that was driving it that it wasn't the answer.

    Sorry - I've done a typical ASD thing (for me at least) of talking about myself, but I do it to see if there's anything you relate to and find of comfort.

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  • Hi NAS51193, I can relate to some of what you're saying. Over the years (married 15 years here) I've frustrated my wife by not wanting to "do stuff" (social stuff, family parties, holidays etc) and wanting to stick to a routine. We've recently realised though, that we are likely *both* ASD, which is why we work so well together, up to a point. Obviously it affects each of us differently, though my wife now seems very comfortable with cutting out the social stuff now the kids have grown up and we are effectively an empty nest and enjoying that very much. 

    Our equivalent struggle is possibly that I crave physical attention and she doesn't. That's the only fly in the ointment, but sometimes it seems like a very big fly. But where our experience is similar to yours is possibly the "long slog" of nothing changing.We've been to various couples therapists over the last decade and I'm finally coming to acceptance of the way she feels - but it's not easy and I sometimes get incredibly frustrated. 

    When days are bad, yes talking on forums like this helps. We also talk to each other in a very disciplined and caring way, and that helps us both. When I don't want to burden her I'm afraid that alcohol and looking for affection online have been my frustrated outlets. I also struggled with gambling addiction for 5 years, but thankfully I hit it so hard that I confirmed to the part of my brain that was driving it that it wasn't the answer.

    Sorry - I've done a typical ASD thing (for me at least) of talking about myself, but I do it to see if there's anything you relate to and find of comfort.

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