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Feeling so alone

NAS51193

My husband and I have been together 15 years now. It’s only been this year that I’ve realised he has Aspergers and coming to this realisation was quite emotional. It took me months to get him to seriously talk about it too.

Realising that he cannot help the way he behaves and is actually completely oblivious to it, is something I am really finding hard to deal with. It also has put a lot in perspective when thinking back over the years.

This morning has been extremely difficult as his plans for the day were unexpectedly changed and this caused arguments, confusion and a total lack of understanding what to do next.

While I love him dearly, I am really struggling to cope with the total lack of affection, consideration and locked in routines. We haven’t shared with anyone really what he is dealing with so I feel so alone when I need to talk.

Anyone else feeling like this? What do you find helpful when days are bad?

  • I can relate to your situation as I have been with my partner for 16 years and I was only diagnosed with autism a year ago. Before that, there was a lot of conflict as I was getting incredibly anxious about social situations and always backing out of them at the last minute. My partner thrives on social interaction whilst for me I like a certain amount of it, I also need plenty of rest and me time. We went for relationship therapy with a counsellor who understood autism. it has massively helped us as we have found a lot of ways to work around things. For example, my partner is out today but I am at home having a rest. He accepts how I am but also I try to challenge myself to do things outside my comfort zone when i can. The more you know about how he feels in certain situations, the better it is to deal with. So, I would say that as a person with autism, my partner does have to make some allowances, but we both try to work around problems as they arise. I would definitely recommend a support group or sympathetic relationship therapist. It might help your husband to a) understand more about himself and b) the impact of his behaviour on you. It could also help you to accept some aspects of his personality whilst recognising that he might have strengths in other areas. Whatever you do, there will be ups and downs but try to at least get yourself some support. Good luck. 

  • Hi NAS51193, I can relate to some of what you're saying. Over the years (married 15 years here) I've frustrated my wife by not wanting to "do stuff" (social stuff, family parties, holidays etc) and wanting to stick to a routine. We've recently realised though, that we are likely *both* ASD, which is why we work so well together, up to a point. Obviously it affects each of us differently, though my wife now seems very comfortable with cutting out the social stuff now the kids have grown up and we are effectively an empty nest and enjoying that very much. 

    Our equivalent struggle is possibly that I crave physical attention and she doesn't. That's the only fly in the ointment, but sometimes it seems like a very big fly. But where our experience is similar to yours is possibly the "long slog" of nothing changing.We've been to various couples therapists over the last decade and I'm finally coming to acceptance of the way she feels - but it's not easy and I sometimes get incredibly frustrated. 

    When days are bad, yes talking on forums like this helps. We also talk to each other in a very disciplined and caring way, and that helps us both. When I don't want to burden her I'm afraid that alcohol and looking for affection online have been my frustrated outlets. I also struggled with gambling addiction for 5 years, but thankfully I hit it so hard that I confirmed to the part of my brain that was driving it that it wasn't the answer.

    Sorry - I've done a typical ASD thing (for me at least) of talking about myself, but I do it to see if there's anything you relate to and find of comfort.