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My partner shows no affection towards me

Rottie girl
over 5 years ago

Ive been with my partner for 3 years. Slowly  he has distanced himself from me affectionately. He no longer cuddles kisses or puts his arms around me.  Sexual encounters he shows no love or emotion just the need to do it. He has been diagnosed aspergers  so how he is all falls into place.  I support him but i get nothing back in return. I love him but  i feel more his carer than his partner so my feelings for him are changing as he is so distant. I dont want to end the relationship.  Do i continue as we are knowing it is how the condition affects him and accept the feeling of no love towards me? 

Parents
  • over 5 years ago

    No, I don’t think you can carry on as you are. That would end in disaster. But that doesn’t mean you have to give in. 

    It is how he is. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but he does need to learn how to show you affection. I recommend a book called the Five languages of love ~ you can do the quiz here ~ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

    It will show you both how you like to give and receive love and it will open up a dialogue to discuss it further and from that, you can both work on showing each other more love in ways that makes sense to each of you. 

    My daughter in law told me the other day that she wants more affection from my son. I said you have to tell him what you want because he has been brought up by me, who doesn’t give affection. And even though I bought her the above book, she hadn’t read it yet or done the quiz but they’re going to do it. So that will make a world of difference. 

    My autism worker brought this matter up with me, I didn’t mention it, but she’s going to do some work with me around this, because she and everybody else thinks I shouldn’t write off relationships for the rest of my life. She’s excited and confident she can help to open me up to the possibility of meeting somebody and what I should expect from a relationship etc. 

    I’ll never be able to show affection like most people do or even tell somebody I love them, but I know from what I’ve already learned, that I could at least learn enough to show affection to my partner in a way that meets their needs, if I ever got one. So I know he’ll be able to (your man), it’s like most things, some of us need more tuition than others. For example, we had to be taught how to read, write, ride a bike etc. This is no different and it’s particularly important for people like myself, who don’t show affection naturally. You just might have to be a little patient and give a bit of guidance now and again, but in the long run, you will both get your needs met.  It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for your relationship, so it’s definitely worth the effort to make it work and the book will definitely help. 

Reply
  • over 5 years ago

    No, I don’t think you can carry on as you are. That would end in disaster. But that doesn’t mean you have to give in. 

    It is how he is. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but he does need to learn how to show you affection. I recommend a book called the Five languages of love ~ you can do the quiz here ~ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

    It will show you both how you like to give and receive love and it will open up a dialogue to discuss it further and from that, you can both work on showing each other more love in ways that makes sense to each of you. 

    My daughter in law told me the other day that she wants more affection from my son. I said you have to tell him what you want because he has been brought up by me, who doesn’t give affection. And even though I bought her the above book, she hadn’t read it yet or done the quiz but they’re going to do it. So that will make a world of difference. 

    My autism worker brought this matter up with me, I didn’t mention it, but she’s going to do some work with me around this, because she and everybody else thinks I shouldn’t write off relationships for the rest of my life. She’s excited and confident she can help to open me up to the possibility of meeting somebody and what I should expect from a relationship etc. 

    I’ll never be able to show affection like most people do or even tell somebody I love them, but I know from what I’ve already learned, that I could at least learn enough to show affection to my partner in a way that meets their needs, if I ever got one. So I know he’ll be able to (your man), it’s like most things, some of us need more tuition than others. For example, we had to be taught how to read, write, ride a bike etc. This is no different and it’s particularly important for people like myself, who don’t show affection naturally. You just might have to be a little patient and give a bit of guidance now and again, but in the long run, you will both get your needs met.  It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for your relationship, so it’s definitely worth the effort to make it work and the book will definitely help. 

Children