Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't like deep and meaningful conversation because I'm not sure how the other person expects me to react, or not react to be more honest. I try to avoid it because I just can't do it very well. But.
When I get stressed, nervous, insecure, pressurised etc my body just goes into panic mode and I start to cry like a child despite it usually not being anything a grown man should shed a tear over. I'm anything but a child. In my 40's to be honest.
It's lead to my partner being both infuriated at times with my apparent lack of emotion/emotional support yet bizarrely referring to me as overly emotional at times too.
Am I having mini meltdowns or is this normal. I'm new to this.
I'm not sure 'normal' really matters. It's reality, and it's happening, and I can understand you wanting to understand it better.
It's something I've only encountered at times of sustained high stress, and even then I've usually been functional even if I can't stop my eyes leaking. It is something though that I've been able to better predict and thus mitigate, with a range of stress relief options depending on context and mood. Weirdly one thing that also helps is intentionally finding a book or music or a film that I know will make me cry, empty the glands, give me that hormonal boost that a good cry offers.
Addressing the perceived lack of emotion/emotional support I'll let people in successful long term relationships discuss, but for the uncontrolled emotion it's something that may benefit from either improved self awareness or (if needed, and if you can find it) professional support. I've survived with just the self-awareness, albeit after extricating myself from a primary source of stress.
(Oddly a few weeks ago I really needed the release a good cry can give and couldn't cry. I'd almost gone too far with 'I know this is stressful so I wont let it hurt me' and somehow cut off the route to those liberating tears)