Well, I don’t know where to start or how to describe exactly how I feel, but I’ll try my best. I’m 32 years old. I am a weird person, I’ve always been the weird person. That someone who never fits in.
since I can ever remember I have always wondered “what’s wrong with me, why am I different” life have been unkind and extremely hard. I’ve been abused to the limit of trauma and I can only blame myself because I believe what people say outright I can’t still get my head around the ability to lie.
Things that bothered me when I was young, the inability to understand my peers, their small chitchats and their ability to be part of a group. I still struggle to have one best friend and I can’t for the life of be be part of a group. Life to me is like a theatre I’ve got to learn and know what’s on the show but I can’t comprehend or understand what goes behind it. I have learnt to speak to people but it’s always AUTOMATIC I can talk to people once or even try and make friends but after the 1st automoatic chats I’ve got nothing else to say, I wonder what people say on the phone or on massager I just can’t dial someone up and talk, not because I don’t have things to say but because I don’t know how and I feel so pressured to just plurb our words that if I do they seem to be unconnected. Strings of idea the same way I’ll be thinking as if I memorised sentences and I just repeat it.
it bothers me, seeing everyone around me getting close to each other while I can’t and I plainly don’t know how they do it, what do they say ? What’s so interested to them to get them caught up in the bubble of friendship ?
im good looking and I’ve always thought this is a curse, I get so much attention. I look like a normal person, some people try and initiate a friendship and I initially can phrase all the interesting things I learned to say but I can’t get deep and after all tha random talk on the surface I feel so stuck and so anxious. The anxiety is so bad I end up blocking people just because I can’t get my self to respond.
i read a lot about body language, books after books, I’ve managed to keep straight eye contact. I look everyone in the eye even if it’s not comfortable I just do it without blinking but I’m so isolated.
throughout my life I’ve struggled with anxiety, extreme anxiety
and depression.
ive managed to do a lot of things in my life also but I just can’t keep going, I lack consistency. I can do a job and after sometimes I don’t have any mental energy to face the people I work with, I can’t be friends with them either!
ive had a family of my own, it was so hard and this is somewhat of a confession. The few years I was married felt like I was acting like a robot, by the book doing things b cause I should not because it felt right because nothing feels right. The result of my experiment of getting closed with someone are two wonderful children one of whom is severely autistic.
im doing my best as a mother, but I can’t help but seeing myself in my child.
memories of lining up my toys and having so limited imagination. To the point that as a child my family thought it was funny how I played with my cousins the same way I blazed with my toys, just lined them up in order, I had so many dolls ranging in size and I will just place my younger cousins with the dolls in an order of size.
ive always been extremely good with languages, I speak 3 languages, English is my 3rd. And I have a bizarrely collective mind, as I always say it, my mind collect so much useless information, strings of data that I can’t put to use, random facts that I myself wonder why the heck do I know it or why did my mid store it and for what purpose is my mind filled with a waste of information I can’t use.
i have a feeling inside me that autism is the answer to my question, why am I different but I don’t really know if getting a diagnoses would benefit me anyhow!
i have been told before by many that I come across as high functioning autistic but I thought they talk rubbish as I always thought of myself as some kind of a genius, my mind works in a brilliant YES so different way from anyone I have ever know and yes I have zero social skills but I’ve always had the comfort of my own process of thoughts.
pheeww, now! What I’ve just typed is exactly what’s in my mind, I sadly can’t understand the difference between things that should be said and things that shouldn’t and I’m hoping someone will go through this lengthy mess and tell me outright if I sound like someone with autism and if it’s any good getting a diagnoses because somehow I am so anxious about talking about it with my GP or with any other person face to face.
oh forgot to say, I’m so clumsy and I find it hard telling right from left without holding my hand up to check which had I write with, here goes the right and the hand o don’t right with is simply left
