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Do I Pretend?

Good for you I guess

Is it possible that, since being diagnosed a few years ago, I try to a "act the part" - so to speak. If I am doing this it's only on a subconscious level, but could I have - without even realising - thought OK, they want me to be autistic? Then I'll be autistic. Is that something that people do?

Or is it a lot more likely that I am just noticing things more now. That definitely seems more likely but I am worried that I am sort of pretending. 

If it is real, it has got a lot worse since the diagnosis. But then again that could be because I'm noticing it now as well. If it's worse, should I tell someone? 

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    I agree with this - I'm still in the diagnosis process, but I've come to realise that I am masking or suppressing a lot of "weird" behaviour like stimming, avoiding eye contact, even the way I sit. Realising that it's part of me, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that masking it causes me stress, has really helped me feel happier.

  • Thanks everyone for reassuring me that this isn't particularly strange. 

    It's sometimes helpful just to write these things down and talk about them with sane people who can relate.

  • I think it’s more likely that you’ve given yourself permission to stop putting an enormous effort in to “conform” as Martian Tom said. Something I can certainly relate to.

    Yes you’ll be noticing it more too, by the same mechanism that works when you get a new car and suddenly you notice the same model and colour everywhere.

    Finally, in a limited way, I sometimes wonder if I “explore” autistic behaviours like stimmimg.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    Thanks that really makes a lot of sense that maybe I was just acting before and now it's really me coming through. I like that idea. Not so sure I like myself very much though if this is the real me. 

  • Hi there,

    For me, all I can say is that since diagnosis in 2015, I've stopped acting so much and wearing the masks.  I'm more myself.  Some people may look upon that as my behaving more autistically than I used to.  I prefer to think it's the 'natural' me coming through at last.

    Maybe your thinking it's gotten worse may actually be that, on a subconscious level, you are not acting the part any more.  We put tremendous pressure on ourselves to conform, and it can do a lot of psychological damage over the years.  Once we take the pressure off and become ourselves, then perhaps things become more noticeable.

    Be interested to see what others think.

    All the best,

    Tom