• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 79 subscribers
  • Views 1525 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

My new partner is non diagnosed ASD

NAS50833

Hi

I have a new partner of 5 months who is undiagnosed high functioning ASD / Aspergers. I work in mental health so spotted the signs and asked him to complete an Autistic Syndrome Quotient Assessment of which he scored highly. He is currently exploring the diagnosis assessment process. I am, however, starting to feel challenged and would really appreciate some advice on communication,  avoiding misunderstandings, and how to get my emotional needs met in the relationship. I have a 12 year old son and I am a little concerned that he will also feel challenged by the restritions and difficulties. I am well read on ASD but feel a little isolated in this experience and would love to hear from people in a similar situation or who have lived it.  

He's a wonderful person who I love very much.

  • in reply to Beckster

    Thank you for being so open. I am grateful. It must have been tough if he was in denial about it, and still is. How great that he has you as a friend.

    I am finding that I am already altering my ways of communicating and thinking before I speak. In some ways the clarity in communication is refreshing. In other ways, I feel like I have to spell things out, and we rarely get to my stuff on a deeper level. But there are so many lovely elements to him and our relationship. You're right in that it is a very individual things. My partner is a hugger although I wonder if he just does the physical action because he knows its what people do, rather than really feeling it. That can be hard. I guess there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and its about working with the strengths. 

    I welcome any advice from people who have an experience they are happy to share that I can learn from.

    x 

  • in reply to NAS50833

    Hi there. We were married for 11 years. I did feel quite alone at times and I struggled with the fact that he never showed affection by hugging etc (I understand why now!). I know from my children though that not all people with ASD are the same - one of them doesn't like hugs, another of them pretty much demands them even at 14.

    We had a lot of happy times and three children which obviously make the marriage a very important part of my life and memories.

    I think we would have been together longer if I knew what I know now back then. But also if he had accepted he has ASD and unfortunately he is in total denial that autism even exists. There is a case in point how your partner is miles different. And everyone is very very different.

    My marriage ended when my husband decided he no longer wanted to forsake all others... if you know what I mean.  I definitely do not think that every person with ASD would do that. Please do not take my experience as a negative because I have several friends who have Aspergers and their moral code is very very different.

    I hope this makes sense.

  • in reply to Beckster

    Thank you for your reply Beckster! I really appreciate it. The first thing I noticed is he's your ex husband. I don't want to pry but I am wondering if the difficulties were too much. Did you find you had to pad out your own support network for when you needed emotionally to felt heard or supported, things that some one might not be able to tune into as well.?

    Warmly

  • My ex husband is also undiagnosed with Aspergers.  First of all it is good you work in the field so know enough about ASD as a start. I think the main thing really is to be very careful to use clear language. My ex and I are still good friends and he sometimes asks me what people mean in their texts etc because unfortunately he has met some people who are not always clear about how they are feeling.  Sarcasm and hoping someone will realise what is meant just isn't going to be the best way (not saying you do either of those things but those are examples of being clear).

    I find I have to think before I speak at times - with my kids as well as my ex. Or if something sarcastic or an idiom or metaphor slips out, explain it straight away.

    I feel like I probably haven't said anything you don't know already but I just wanted to let you know you've been heard.