Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Hi Tom,
I assume you already know this and wouldn't want to teach you to suck eggs (for those of us taking things literally, please don't go egg sucking!)My OH works with autism and has done the "working for companies" thing and hated it. So she left and joined a couple of agencies - she was sent to some horrible places, but one place she really fitted into and they felt the same, so she is in the process of leaving the agency to go there full time. She has to complete 400hrs with the agency first, but they are all at the place she likes so it's no hassle.Is that something you could do? It's a good way to find somewhere everyone is happy!
Thanks. Yes, I've done some agency in the past, but wouldn't do it again. The interview on Friday is at a place I worked 3 years ago. i always liked it there. Taken all in, it was probably one of the happiest work experiences I'd had for many years. I know that if I can get back there, I can feel properly settled - and I'll probably stay there until I retire. The people are nice, the working conditions are good... and it's just under two miles from where I live. Ten minutes by bike, twenty on foot. No traveling costs. No need for a car. Free meals. Okay, it's back to full-time, and I won't get the College's long holidays. But on balance, I'll opt for something known, familiar and liked.
Hang in there, honestly I always feel like this first few weeks. No one gives a crap about these stupid tests, just tell them you'll settle in then tackle it. Then ignore it till someone hassles you, drag your feet, be 'too busy' - you'll be well settled in if it ever comes to anything. I've just been told to complete a course on safely lifting heavy objects within a reasonable time. My job doesn't require me ever to lift anything heaviet than a laptop. I intend to treat this with the contempt it deserves and ignore ot till someone chases me - which might be 3 months, 6 months, or never. I know it's hard for us to ignore this crap but honestly they don't take it seriously. Hang in there, it'll all start to make more sense soon.
They usually let you go through your probationary period before putting you forward for it - usually six months. They want to be sure they're investing in the people they want to keep. That's what I was told, anyway. At the College, though, I asked what 'In a reasonable timeframe' meant, and was told 'As soon as you can.' Great! So... sometime in the next four years okay?
Another thing you will usually find is that if you leave the job within a year of completion of the qualification, they charge you for it. And it's a lot of money.