Published on 12, July, 2020
I am potentially at huge risk from midday, next Wednesday. If you only had 5 days left to BE, to EXIST, what would you do?
((()))
I see. I’ve always found it more effective (for me) to focus on what I do want rather than what I don’t and worry would make me shrink, as it comes with horrible images etc for me so it would make me feel small and scared and I wouldn’t do anything. But if I think about what I want, I feel good and if I feel moved (I rarely do! lol) I’ll move, towards that goal in some way. I’m already hyper alert, I don’t want to be any more alert so maybe that’s why worrying doesn’t work for me. Just leaving the house is like a military operation! Lol! Have I got my scripts? Do I know where I’m going? Are there any roads to cross? Why d’ya think I wear wellies? It’s one less thing to fiddle with. The wellies slip on and off easily. Sometimes there’s so much to think about that I don’t bother! Lol! But I’ll feel good either way. If I worry I feel bad and it can get me in a terrible downward spiral. It’s scary. It doesn’t help me at all.
sometimes the worry is needed to kick in the adrenaline... not for worries sake but to remind you to be alert
If any of us finds that switch you’re talking about, we’ll be millionaires.
I couldn’t agree more, take out the cause, the offending thought/belief that’s causing the worry etc.
To learn how not to worry takes a lot of hard work. I couldn’t agree more, it’s not possible to simply say, I’m not going to worry, and intact, just by saying that we will worry. If we’re told not to think of a donkey, we straight away think of a donkey. So I agree, we can’t tell the mind not to worry, that’s counter intuitive.
Yes, I’m also glad you never took action on the suicidal thoughts. Diversionary tactics never worked for me either.
I love it when I pay my bills. I always go the other way when I’ve got money. I pay more than I need to and in advance when I can. I always find it makes life much simpler and I don’t have to do the dreadful phone calls every month to the utility places etc. The calls in themselves aren’t dreadful, it’s just that I don’t like phone calls.
I wouldn’t have a clue what they would have meant if they had told me to buck up my ideas. I would have probably laughed, because it sounds funny to me and doesn’t really mean anything. But I can see how you would feel bad if you were judging your situation as bad. I would just think I’ve got no money without putting any judgement or meaning to it but I suppose that’s my literal mind.
It’s ok Tom, I understand what you’re saying. What can I say ~ I’m autistic! I used to and still do understand what other people say through my world view and therefore think they’re just being purposely argumentative or something if they seem to be saying something different to my understanding. In other words, I take things the wrong way. Since I got the diagnosis and realised that this is what I do, I’m working hard on being able to turn it around.
I’m sorry you have taken offence by something I said, we are definitely not coming from the same place because you see struggle as inevitable, whereas I’m in a much worse situation than you financially etc, yet I see struggle as a choice. I could sit here without food and complain about it and struggle or I can sit without food and simply think, I’m without food, it looks like I’m fasting, and then there’s no struggle. If I struggle, i.e. argue with reality, then I feel tense and unhappy and like I’m a victim of my circumstances, or I can see it another way and be at peace and be happy. Either way I’m without food and I’m more likely to get some if I’m feeling at peace and I’m feeling happy than if I’m full of worry and struggle. I would feel defeated before I even started if I felt that way. My mind would really do a number on me.
It seems some people live from their heart and some from their head and it’s difficult for the both sides to understand each other. My special interest is the mind so it does delight me to find out how other people think. There’s no better or worse. I don’t see it like that. To me, life is what it is, or as some have said, life is what we believe it to be. If you think you can you can, and if you think you can’t you won’t, either way you’ll be right. So all of us are right. I’m never saying I’m right and somebody else is wrong. Truth is in each of us. We know it is because we all know right from wrong. Not superficially, on the physical level. But the level where it matters. The heart. Or maybe for some it’s the head and like you said, it’s impossible for some people to access the heart for some reason and impossible for some people to live in the head.
But listening to this Greg guy, it’s also all connected to three cycles that are currently taking place in the world and some people are more susceptible to them, especially people who watch teli etc and engage in ‘normal’ life, which I don’t, so I can see how I’m less effected by those things.
I don’t see myself as living off benefits. I see myself as recovering from a major burnout where I became unable to function by any stretch of the imagination and as I’m coming out of it I’m processing, coming to terms with, accepting and understanding my diagnosis, how it relates to me, how I’m going to create an income in a way that serves me ~ I’m not sitting idle, and yes, thankfully I’m in the UK while I’m going through this and the government are good enough to at least pay my rent and a tiny bit off my debts and the food bank feeds me. I’m working hard because I want to make sure this never happens to me again because I don’t think I’d go through it again. So I know I’m intelligent and that I’ve got skills, I just have to find them, find what I can give then find a way to make it happen. Or rather, I allow it to happen. And why wouldn’t I be happy and grateful that somebody, the government in this case, is paying me money to at least have some level of stability while I get well and back into work. We clearly have a different way of looking at it, that’s all. There’s no right or wrong.
You explain things so well. I can't explain things as clearly as you do. Thank you for this. I have dealt with anxiety for a long time but I have found in recent years it has really increased and is much harder to manage.
It's great for you that you were able to be so positive about a situation like this.
I have heard people talk about how being homeless was a turning point in their life but never someone say they enjoyed the experience. This is interesting.
I personally would find it very difficult. Uncertainty and unpredictableness is something I find very difficult and their is not a lot that is certain or predictable about that situation. I have huge sensory issues with the cold and food so being outdoors and struggling for meals would be challenging. Sleep is also challenging for me. I think it would be a struggle without home comforts. And I would be very anxious about people I don't know coming near me. And there is so much more that would be challenging when homeless.
My mind obviously works very differently to yours. I overthink everything. I see so many possible outcomes to a scenario and have no idea which is realistic. These thoughts play like a loop until the situation is over. There is little I can do about it. This is just how I am.
I loved being homeless and skint. I didn’t have to pay bills or do housework and I guess I just know that I am the same in any given moment, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, the only difference from one moment to the next, is what I’m thinking. So when I was homeless (one of the times), let’s say I was sat on the side of the road in the day time and I’m smoking a cigarette. I could sit and smoke the cigarette and enjoy it or I could sit and smoke the cigarette and think, I’m homeless. That thought would conjure up an image in my mind. The image would make me feel scared and worried. My mind would go into all kinds of scenarios. It would be terrible, I wouldn’t be happy at all. And I would still be sat there with the same cigarette as I am when I’m not thinking that thought. Nothing would have changed. I would still be without a home and I would still be sat on the wall.
And my mind doesn’t work like that anyway. It wouldn’t think ‘I’m homeless’ because why would it pick that one thing about me, to focus on, and what does that even mean anyway? To me, the earth is my home. A manager of a pub where I used to sleep in the day time sometimes, used to find me in all sorts of places and he would say I would get where water couldn’t! Of course I had no idea what he was talking about at the time, but I understand it now. I did find some great places to sleep etc because I don’t have the same thought patterns as most people. I don’t see how being homeless is any different to living in a mansion. I’m still the same person with the same option of enjoying the moment or not and of changing my situation or not.
I do understand that some people will only be happy if they have certain things in life, such as houses and jobs etc and that if they don’t have them they’ll be unhappy or not quite as happy. I can understand that intellectually but from the way I experience the world, I can’t understand it. I’m just grateful I’m breathing most of the time. Because without breathing, I wouldn’t be here to enjoy any of it.
I’m starting to realise as well, that most people really don’t experience the world like I do and that’s why people don’t understand me. It’s not because I’m autistic, it’s just because I experience the world differently. The autism just makes it more weird! Lol! And makes me to not be able to understand why everyone doesn’t see the world like I do! It just gets better! Lol!
I’m just watching a video though by a guy called gregg bradan and he understands how I think, he’s talking about it. It’s very interesting. I’m going back to it now. He says as well that it depends on if you know who you are.
Stress, anxiety and depression as well as autism do not have a switch that one can turn off and on at will. At least I haven't discovered one yet.
Stress, anxiety and depression release chemicals in the brain, they are not simply a mental disease but the effect that having a mental condition has on the physical. And worrying is part of this vicious circle. The way to 'cure' these is not to tell someone to stop worrying, but to remove the cause. And even then it can take a long, long time to bring oneself round.
I have suffered regular bouts of these conditions throughout my adult life. And it is definitely not the case that by saying 'I am not going to worry' everything gets all right. However many times I tell myself that makes not a jot of difference. Yes, I can put diversionary tactics in place such as a long walk, but that is not without its dangers as I have had suicidal thoughts when doing this although obviously not having any 'success' at this yet I am glad to say.
For the past fifteen years I have always managed to get my bills paid, but at a time when my first marriage broke down, it was impossible. My outgoings were more than my incomings, and I was in a very bad state. If someone had told me that it didn't matter, and to buck my ideas up, I would not have been able to guarantee their safety.
Worrying is emotional wind up before hopeful decompression. It’s riding an S curve or running a roller coaster, it’s whit knuckling... it fogs the head... but forces us sometimes necessarily to pause
Been a positive day today... the wave was kind... yesterday the cuurent got me.
everything has its biorhythms... this is just an unfamiliar and scary at times tune.
Why do you have to think about things like mortgages and bills? It seems bizarre. I usually just pay them, or not, and leave it there. I don’t even know how I’d think about them ~ I’m trying now and I don’t know how to do it, nothings happening
Why must you persist with this line of being amazed that people should have things to worry about - like paying bills to keep a roof over their head, BlueRay? I'm sorry, but I find it both unhelpful, patronisng and more than a little insulting. We can't all live in a state of such profound enlightenment that worldly things like paying out to get by don't worry or concern us. What seems bizarre to me is that you can have such an indifferent, almost cavalier attitude to the whole thing. Some of us struggle to ward off debt and to keep above board. We don't all have the 'luxury' of being able to walk out of difficult situations at whim, nor to be quite happy, settled and comfortable living on benefits.
I really hope this situation improves for you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.
Because I have to make sure I have enough money each month to pay them. So yes that is something I would think about.
You say you don't know how to think about things like that and you try and nothing happens. Well the same would be said for me and trying not to worry. Everybody's brains work differently and for some they may be able to change their thought processes. For me that is very difficult.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy any other day in my life but I would get considerably more enjoyment out of doing some of the things that I really want to do one day.
And yes I would certainly see being homeless and bankrupt as a reason not to enjoy life. How could you possibly enjoy that situation?
I’ll see if I can find a thought process you can use to help you stop worrying, I think I’ve even got it in video form if you would prefer that? Either one, if practiced, will stop you from worrying.
Can you only enjoy life when you’re doing amazing things? If you believe that, then maybe that’s the reason you don’t enjoy every moment of your life? And it sounds like you would consider being homeless and bankrupt a reason not to enjoy life? At least you wouldn’t have to think about mortgages and bills.
I like everyone else here are really concerned about you Ellie! You need to find a safe refuge somewhere for yourself and your lad very soon. Not sure what else to say other than that people here care and support you, try to be logical and strong and get yourself and your lad out of potential danger. ((()))
Worrying is the most pointless thing in the world. But it is not something that I can just stop. I have tried. It doesn't work. Some people may have more control over their thought processes. I do not. Trust me, if I could stop myself from worrying, I would.
And yes it would be nice if we could enjoy every day on this planet. But I do have to think about things like mortgages and bills and other things which if I knew I only had 5 days to live, I wouldn't care about. I'd just spend all the money I wanted.
I cannot afford to do some of the things I really want to every day of my life. I'd end up bankrupt and homeless. I will do these things at times in my life. But they will be amazing moments. I can't do them every day.
Life is the same for everybody, there isn't one life for one person and another for somebody else. Everybody who is alive has life in them and even if somebody had a gun to their head, they can still choose how to feel in that moment. Granted, we all choose to live our lives in different ways, so from the outside, our lives may all look different but we all have the same life and the same choice as to whether we enjoy it or not. People commit suicide for all sorts of different reasons, usually, I would guess, because they're not in their right mind, or they're ill and they decide they would rather be dead than live with the illness. I suppose, thinking about it now, it comes down to whether we're in control of our minds or not. If we're in control of our minds, we can choose how we want to feel but if we're not in control of our minds then I guess we're at the mercy of outside influences and so we feel however other people want us to feel or we let our outer circumstances dictacte how we feel. I guess that's what you're talking about, some people live their lives from the outside in so they have no choice as to how they feel and some people live their lives from the inside out and choose how they will feel.
If I was in your shoes right now ~ which I never would be because I could never fill those elephant boots ~ I'd be a mess ~ you're doing amazingly well and how you keep your head as clear as you do I will never know, you're amazing and it would be more than acceptable for you to panic a bit now and again.
Funnily enough (I don't know why I use that phrase because it's not really funny at all') ~ I had a dream/nightmare about the ex narc last night! I tried to go back into it (the dream) and change the outcome which I think I did, but I think it's more to do with me thinking about you. I know I tend to look more to the future and all the positives etc but I still remember what it was like when I was going through it and I don't want anybody to go through that, especially not our Ellie and in many ways I wish I was in a stronger position to be able to do more but not because you can't handle it, because I know you can, you're strong, but just to give the equivalent of a friendly hug and a bit of friendly support X
I'm thinking of scrapping the idea of getting my car back on the road because I don't want to stop walking everywhere so instead I'm considering hiring a car when I need one which I reckon will work out cheaper than paying tax n test etc for the whole year. It won't be long before I can make my way up the country and give you an aspie hug - or we could end up like this -
It is regarding the following:
one word...PANIC... I'm getting there and being strong... but there is a FEAR factor :) - ---- and a son to keep safe x