My marriage is failing.

Hi folks, just having a moan and looking for a bit of support really.

Things are awful between me and my wife at the moment. We've been growing apart for years now. We just don't share the same interests any more. We can't communicate. We've had three different therapists offering us counselling without much improvement.

It feels like it's the end of the line for our marriage. Twenty five years we've been together. Two kids and a mortgage together. To feel it all slowly slipping away is excruciating. Every time there's a glimmer of hope something happens to mess it all up. It's like we can't get on the same page.

I've got my issues and both the kids are ASD too. I know it must be hard for her at times. I always feel like the one in the wrong but I know it's not all my fault. I know some of the issues I have with her are valid but I can't communicate well enough to put my viewpoint across. Whatever I say comes out wrong and just seems to make things worse. I'm awful at any kind of face to face confrontation.

Last weekend I got a bit drunk and I ended up self harming quite badly. We haven't spoke much since. I suppose things will get better but it feels hopeless at times like this. I wonder if I should move out sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for listening. 

Parents
  • Does your wife want things to work out going forward? Do you know?

    also, have you thought about writing things down re how you feel if verbal communication gets you muddled?

    best wishes

    Ellie

  • Yes we both want to make it work. It just feels like we're losing the battle at the moment.

    I write quite a lot, for myself as much as anything. It's good therapy and useful to look back on too. I did write a load of stuff down yesterday but it's all quite raw and emotional. Haven't shared any of it and not sure if I will. Maybe I'll re-draft it.

    Thanks 

  • Modern life creates huge pressures within people and normally your only vent is at your partner. It gradually shuts down any positive communication. It builds a dread of going home because you don't want the conflict.

    Do you e-mail each other for mundane daily stuff?

    Why not send a short e-mail saying what you feel about her - keep it very positive - do not get into negative things - a bit like the classic love notes tucked into the purse. Surprises are nice. Do you do flowers for her?

    The written stuff means you have time to construct it properly without sticking your feet into your mouth. It also gets over the anger barrier that can stifle face-to-face conversations.

    Are you able to get rid of the kids for a weekend so you have some quiet evenings together? - do the simple stuff, meal out, cinema - do the teenage dating thing (most people remember their teenage years as the years before the weight of the world landed on them).

    Inject some fun.

Reply
  • Modern life creates huge pressures within people and normally your only vent is at your partner. It gradually shuts down any positive communication. It builds a dread of going home because you don't want the conflict.

    Do you e-mail each other for mundane daily stuff?

    Why not send a short e-mail saying what you feel about her - keep it very positive - do not get into negative things - a bit like the classic love notes tucked into the purse. Surprises are nice. Do you do flowers for her?

    The written stuff means you have time to construct it properly without sticking your feet into your mouth. It also gets over the anger barrier that can stifle face-to-face conversations.

    Are you able to get rid of the kids for a weekend so you have some quiet evenings together? - do the simple stuff, meal out, cinema - do the teenage dating thing (most people remember their teenage years as the years before the weight of the world landed on them).

    Inject some fun.

Children
  • Me and my wife don't share any interests, we're quite different. We like different things on TV, we like different films, she hates reading and I love it, she hates games and I love them. But we share the same values, and we show our love for each other. We've been married 14 years and she says she's the happiest she's ever been (and some of that has been because of my autistic ways of looking at the world, she finds that can be helpful).

    I read a lot so I'd recommend some books.

    When we had tough times, I read a chapter a night to her of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". She liked that we were spending time together, it didn't take up too much time, and it helped her understand our roles better in the marriage. That definitely helped both of us, and helped her see the marriage from my perspective.

    The other book was "The Five Love Languages", which I've posted about elsewhere on this forum. Again, read her a chapter each night, it's a nice way to wind down at the end of a busy day. My wife is also self-employed so I do really get how busy she can be, so instead of feeling rejected that she goes to bed early, plan together to have 15 minutes sat in bed together before she turns out the light whilst you read to her. She will appreciate you making time for her even when she's tired.

    Neither of these books touch on autism at all, but they are helpful for two people in a relationship. There are also books about autism and marriage which might help. I read one by a lady whose husband is autistic, and it's about the life they have together with 3 kids, and how she copes. I don't remember what it was called, but the main takeaway is that she recognised her husband was autistic so she had to change the way she viewed the marriage, and what her expectations of a happily married life were - and she realised that it's okay for her marriage to be different to all her friends' marriages. Unfortunately I can't remember the author and my online library account only lists my last 128 books :) But a quick search of Amazon shows Maxine Aston appears to be prolific on writing books on autism and marriage/relationships. You won't have a "normal" marriage, so don't expect to have one. Have the one that works best for you both together, and maybe reading the books together will help you both find what your marriage can be like.

    Hope these suggestions help. Let us know how you get on.

  • If she's around daytimes in the week, why not treat her to something like a massage/pedicure? Something to make her feel better about herself - a little treat.

  • We don't email each other much. I think I will give that a go. 

    The spending quality time issue is one that frustrates me. I feel I get rejected because my wife works at weekends so goes to bed early. Actually she goes to bed early every night. Because she is self employed she very rarely takes time off. I have to use my leave to fit in around her.

    I just don't think we share the same tastes in what is fun any more. I've bought tickets for gigs and I feel like I'm dragging her out. I like playing games but she's not interested. Ive passed her books to read but she's not got time. Guess I'll keep chipping away at it but I'd love to find something we were both passionate about.