I'm 35, male. Was diagnosed with Aspergers at 28 after a number of evaluations and assessments. It wasn't picked up at school as it was still a new thing back in the early 90's. I struggled in life with everybody expecting me to change because nobody was aware I had Aspergers. It only came to light after a nurse said I am almost identical to her son who has Aspergers and that spurred my doctor to refer me for assessment.
I'm high functioning, and very intelligent with a career in software engineering. But because of how I was born I've had difficulties with people and being around people all my life so I freelance from home. I'm mostly a recluse although I do enjoy exercise and long walks at 1am (that's when its quite and peaceful for me).
My diagnosis hasn't made an ounce of difference. I still get no help. I've had 5 years of the worst depression you can imagine as a result of losing 2 parents (Dad and stepdad). My mom lost 2 people she spent her life with both at a young age. One 47 and one 56. Cancer. I also had Cancer myself. Real life hell.
That caused me to spiral off the rails. I've always been a very angry person. I smash things during meltdowns. But through all the recent trama it was much worse and I became verbally aggressive to everyone and hated the world. Spent almost a year in my bed. Spent a long time on all sorts of medications and non help except to make me feel like a zombie. I don't want to be in that state. So now I use cananbis - which is a double edged sword. It works, but when I don't have it I am a mental mess and I have multiple meltdowns daily.
Last week I sat in the road outside and stopped a friends car driving off. That's how bad I get sometimes during anger moments. Within a split second I can switch from calm, to angry. It's concerning me now, and it's concerning my loved ones.
I'm on some stupid waiting list for some community therapy. CBT. It isn't going to work, I keep telling them. I've already done it! I need 1-2-1 treatment with a specialist. Ideally residential. But the option just isn't available. And they keep refusing to section me telling me it's not the best place for me. I feel it is. I can not cope at the moment. The last time I got like this I purposely committed a hacking crime to get put in prison so I could have a break from the world. It sort of worked, but it wasn't the best place to take a vacation. Nobody in my family knows I did it on purpose to get away.
Just at my whits end now. I want to be something in life. I want to use my skills to their fullest and build my business and have the right mindset without having to deal with all this crap that comes with aspergers, depression, anxiety etc. But everywhere I turn there appears to be no help.
I'm fighting on and I'm part time freelancing to avoid lots of stress. And I'm learning to deal with things properly. But I need help, I really do.
