35 and basically have no chance of ever being "normal"

I'm 35, male. Was diagnosed with Aspergers at 28 after a number of evaluations and assessments. It wasn't picked up at school as it was still a new thing back in the early 90's. I struggled in life with everybody expecting me to change because nobody was aware I had Aspergers. It only came to light after a nurse said I am almost identical to her son who has Aspergers and that spurred my doctor to refer me for assessment.

I'm high functioning, and very intelligent with a career in software engineering. But because of how I was born I've had difficulties with people and being around people all my life so I freelance from home. I'm mostly a recluse although I do enjoy exercise and long walks at 1am (that's when its quite and peaceful for me).

My diagnosis hasn't made an ounce of difference. I still get no help. I've had 5 years of the worst depression you can imagine as a result of losing 2 parents (Dad and stepdad). My mom lost 2 people she spent her life with both at a young age. One 47 and one 56. Cancer. I also had Cancer myself. Real life hell.

That caused me to spiral off the rails. I've always been a very angry person. I smash things during meltdowns. But through all the recent trama it was much worse and I became verbally aggressive to everyone and hated the world. Spent almost a year in my bed. Spent a long time on all sorts of medications and non help except to make me feel like a zombie. I don't want to be in that state. So now I use cananbis - which is a double edged sword. It works, but when I don't have it I am a mental mess and I have multiple meltdowns daily.

Last week I sat in the road outside and stopped a friends car driving off. That's how bad I get sometimes during anger moments. Within a split second I can switch from calm, to angry. It's concerning me now, and it's concerning my loved ones.

I'm on some stupid waiting list for some community therapy. CBT. It isn't going to work, I keep telling them. I've already done it! I need 1-2-1 treatment with a specialist. Ideally residential. But the option just isn't available. And they keep refusing to section me telling me it's not the best place for me. I feel it is. I can not cope at the moment. The last time I got like this I purposely committed a hacking crime to get put in prison so I could have a break from the world. It sort of worked, but it wasn't the best place to take a vacation. Nobody in my family knows I did it on purpose to get away.

Just at my whits end now. I want to be something in life. I want to use my skills to their fullest and build my business and have the right mindset without having to deal with all this crap that comes with aspergers, depression, anxiety etc. But everywhere I turn there appears to be no help.

I'm fighting on and I'm part time freelancing to avoid lots of stress. And I'm learning to deal with things properly. But I need help, I really do.

Jenny Butterfly over 6 years ago in reply to .

I wonder whether that's why they include a puzzle which is the opposite of that in the ADOS test?

To see how we cope with the messiness of a puzzle which has only vague instructions, a number of pieces which may or may not be complete, that fit together in an undefined number of ways and that don't really seem to make anything at all? I'm thinking this was actually about the reality of life. :)
. over 6 years ago in reply to Blank
Lego IS the perfect ideal of life.

it comes with instructions

youre given all the pieces you need

all the pieces fit perfectly together

if you don’t like what you’ve made you can easily make it into something different and it doesn’t mind if you do that
Blank over 6 years ago in reply to Plastic

Which would mean playing with Lego instead? (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

I think you forgot about the remarriage part where it gets really messy.
Plastic over 6 years ago

As far as I have measured, 'normal' equals:

Getting married to the wrong person.

Having too many kids.

Not having enough money to live.

Getting a dog & expensive car that you can't afford.

Arguing all the time about the above points.

Kids getting older and going to Uni so you can argue in peace and then not talk to each other.

Wife getting bored.

Man getting frustrated.

Divorce.

Retirement

Lonliness.

Dementia then death.

Are you really sure that's what you want?

Why not use your skills to work out a better route to what you can describe as happiness.
Former Member over 6 years ago in reply to NAS50019

Hi I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm trying to re-frame my thinking around this. I don't believe I'm in any way "deficient", I'm just different. Unfortunately my difference goes against the social "norm". I think the first step is to spend time identifying and accepting your difference. That may mean having to adjust life goals based on what is realistic for what you actually are, rather than what you wished you were.

The way I think of it is like life being a card game like Bridge or something. You can't change the hand you're dealt, all you can do is try and play the hand you have to the best of your ability. So if you and your partner in bridge are both dealt poor hands and realistically you only have opportunities to win two tricks, then the satisfaction comes from playing the game well and getting the two tricks that you should be able to win, and not giving away "soft tricks".

Understand your strengths and weaknesses and try and play to your strengths and minimise how much you need to rely on your weaknesses. Slowly work on improving your weaknesses as much as you feel is necessary and you are comfortable with. Take care of yourself and don't try and do too much and try and avoid pushing yourself into burnout.
NAS50019 over 6 years ago in reply to Plastic

Take for instance I have always struggled to be a part of the team at work and I always preferred to work alone. Now don't get me wrong I do enjoy this but to other people they notice, and that makes me self conscious about what people thing of me. Inside I'm trying to be a part of the team. This has hindered career development because I don't network like others and thus don't get the opportunities like others. I have a friend who I speak with online, another developer, and he is living the life. His brother has aspergers too and my friend knows all too well how alike we are how to deal with me. I think he's the only person in my life that actually gets me ... but i want to be like him and in his position because I have all the skills ... but no mouth.

I know non aspies have hard times. I see it all around me, and things could definitely be worse. But without sounding selfish I'm at an age where I need to think about where I want to be and what my future will be. I'm at an age that has caused me to question.

I have battled alcoholism. Alcohol was something that started as a way to fit in with the crowd. I'd have some beers, play snooker with the locals, and have a merry old time. Can I do that sober? Hell no. But I relied on alcohol because it allowed me to appear normal. In a room full of people who are on their way to becoming drunk they don't notice.

I don't take meds, and just cannabis so I think considering I'm not doing too bad.

I get really angry at the world at times. I struggle to understand all this hype about having to work a 9 to 5 and pay bills. I hate it. Yet, I have to do what I have to do to exist in it, otherwise there is nothing else. That's one of my causes of depression. Living in a terrible world that wasn't meant to be and living a life that wasn't meant to be. People too wrapped up in what's going on in other peoples lives and too busy to notice the problems in their own.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm actually really happy today. Went out for a nice long walk at 10pm and did and went to the gym. Tbh I'm happy to be just left alone but as I said there is a need to live and feed my family and to do that to the best of my ability it would really help if I had the communication skills verbally that other people have.

If you notice I have no problems typing. It's speaking. And confidence speaking. Urgh. Thanks though, I appreciate the reply.
Former Member over 6 years ago in reply to Plastic

Agree, there are plenty of norms who are probably in worse situations. I would guess the key thing is to understand what's behind the unhappy and then see what can be done to rebalance the equation more towards happy from where it currently is.
Plastic over 6 years ago

I understand your position - but one thing I don't get is your measure of 'normal' equating to happiness.

You only have to look at divorce statistics, mental health problems, alcoholism and all of other life-problems that 'normal' people suffer from to deduce that 'normal' isn't that great.

The fact that you have got to 35, got a job and some skills that can earn you a living, you're actually much better than you give yourself credit for.

I'm not sure drugs are doing you any favours, but what are you looking for? What are your goals?

What do you want to make you 'happy'?