Published on 12, July, 2020
I work in a office building. I'm one of three women and a man. My job is to answer the phone and use a computer, my day consists of me typing, speaking on the phone and engaging in conversation (help!) with my work colleagues. My friend April who works next to me is really nice and I think she knows there's something different about me because she seems to give me a sort of comforting smile a lot of the time. Work is hard, every day I spend ages making sure I look right for work and change my clothes and redo my hair about fifty times before I finally leave. When I get to work I spend the day feeling anxious because I know I'll have to engage in workplace communication, either work banter or one of my colleagues will ask me if I have a file or if someone called. This sends me in to a massive brain shutdown moment where I spend the next ten minutes trying to think and communicate at the same time, which results in me not finding the right words and just sort of babbling like a baby.
Working is difficult, mostly because of the amount of things I have to do. Focusing, communicating, being out of my safe zone and *shudders* office meetings where I sometimes have to stand up and talk to my colleagues as well as our boss... Usually after a meeting I end up throwing up in the bathroom and have a mini panic attack.
Does anyone else here work and have similar problems to me?
Work has always been problematic for me. I worked in an office environment for around 25 years and I never felt comfortable there. Fluorescent lighting, the constant hum of the computers, the open plan layout, intermittant emails and phone calls plus hectoring managers and ridiculous deadlines. Also office meetings, appraisals and the threat of job "enrichment" which usually involved giving talks or presentations to other staff or something else I'd worry about for weeks in advance. I always wanted to find a quiet corner where I wouldn't be interrupted every few minutes for one reason or another but I rarely succeeded. Hotdesking was particularly bothersome to me - I felt I had to pretend it was no bother but the uncertainty about which desk would be available, whether the comptuer would actually be working, who would be around me in these unfamiliar surroundings and where all my notes and other materials would go just really bothered me. Other seemed to just take these things in their stride but I felt really eroded.
It was all very hard to reconcile. I managed to make things easier by moving from finance into counselling but then, after my younger son had a breakdown and started experiencing a lot of the same problems that I'd always had with anxiety (except many times worse) I felt I was more distressed than most of my clients - an untenable and unethical position.
In the end my health deteriorated to such an extent that I took early retirement. But I would say that anything that minimises the damage or increases your own sense of control over things has got to be a move in the right direction.
My own strategy included living very frugally so's to minimise debt, skimping on holidays because they were never worth it (an outlay of money that to my mind simply tightened the noose), never replacing stuff until it broke etc. Plus gradually moving to part time work to make it more tolerable and doing courses that eventually led to my escape from finance. If my health improved and my son's situation changed, I would consider going into private practice so's I could be in charge of my own working commitments, but really a bit of me is glad for my serious liver condition as it's given me a get out clause.
Although I've never been in a war zone, I sort of remind myself of Yossarian in Catch 22 - developing a mysterious liver complaint in order to avoid the dangerous missions assigned in the finance department. And yes, I jest, but seriously it did seem more acceptable to hide behind my liver condition rather than try to explain anxiety levels that were through the roof. :(
Jenny Butterfly said:But I would say that anything that minimises the damage or increases your own sense of control over things has got to be a move in the right direction.
I'd agree. But in my own situation, I'm not really sure what direction is the best. Although I only work 30 hours a week and make just enough to cover rent and other essentials (I,too, live simply and frugally - as I've always preferred to live), I still find the work exhausting. I'm getting to the stage of thinking that maybe my own health could be used as leverage to get me out of the workplace once and for all - but that would mean reliance on state support, and that's not really 'supportive' for those with long-term health problems. I'm treading water between Scylla and Charybdis. I still have seven years before I can claim my state pension. The way I'm going at the moment, I'm not sure I'll make it that far.
I'm down to 3 years but I started feeling like this about 8 years ago - I did get signed off with clinical depression for 2 years after I left academia and it was bad enough then - I do think it's probably worse to try to get disability benefits at the moment.
Then I accidentally changed what I do about 3 years ago by not understanding a job advert then getting offered it - and ended up with a job I could do at home completely by accident. Now I prioritise jobs that let me work at home and it's probably cut the stress by half. I'm not sure about stuff like proofreading, don't know how much of that 'traditional' freelance stuff is still around - I used Timewise jobsite which has part-time work and some of it you can also do at home. I've had 2 jobs running policy projects where I can work at home because it's national/non-geographic - but also some menial box-ticking stuff done in online interfaces at home for peanuts. I'm frugal enough that I can live on p/t - but social housing helps.
I also really like the idea of citizen's wage Jenny Butterfly but have been looking into it and I'm a bit worried that they plan to replace a whole range of benefits with an income which isn't enough to live on. It'd work as long as there's plenty of p/t or freelance stuff around.
Sometimes I revolve plans in my head for setting up a work-at-home job agency for AS people . . . Maybe when I'm on the pension form of citizens' wage . . .
Yes, at the age of 55 I find I am looking forward to getting my state pension because it provides a buffer between me and the need to work.
Wanting to work is an entirely different matter however. I would actually like to return to work but believe that having sufficient to live on alters things tremendously for me. A minimum income alters my whole relationship with the workplace, positively affecting my confidence levels, creativity and enthusiasm. Basically it moves a bit more control, certainty and power away from the employer and into my own hands. Before I was desperate but now I can do things on my own terms. Ironically this makes me more attractive as an employee.