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Is it me?

Starbuck

I'll try my best to prevent this turning into a mini rant, but I am conscious I am turning into a grumpy, argumentative so and so with my partner - as much as I try to be amicable and conscientious, I feel like I am battling against a tirade of things that sends me into a mini-melt down spiral.

My partner is very impulsive and I have to let go of my structure and routine to save completely trying to control his life - that wouldn't be fair to anyone, but lately there just doesn't seem to be any structure or forewarning of what is to come.

I like to know what to expect in the day and what times things should be happening - I can relax this to a point of just knowing what the tasks are for the day and roughly what order we will be doing them in.  Lately however, I find my partner is more just talking at me rather than conversing about what we will do.  He throws multiple scenarios and choices into the 'conversation' without any real understanding of why we are doing them or which is more important.  He then takes it upon himself to make said decisions, without telling what the 'plan' is and then starts to get agitated because I am not ready to leave the house or help with a certain task, when I haven't got the foggiest what the hell I am supposed to be doing.

This is making me become more reclusive and not want to do anything, because I am just so overwhelmed and confused.  It is also exhausting!

I spend my working day planning to military precision just to get me through it in one piece, so I am happy to let some of the planning relax or be decided by my partner due to me being mentally fatigued, but I cannot process having no plan and a whatever goes plan all at the same time depending on what he feels is right at the time.  He will also change his mind about what we are doing and it seems like I apparently supposed to know psychically!

I have tried to confront him about this, but it is usually at the point I am on the verge of snapping, so I am stroppy and argumentative - hence the point doesn't get across at all.  I have tried to explain that I need to run through in my head what we are doing and what my part is in it all, but he doesn't seem to understand how serious this is for me and how stressful, anxious and exhausted.  It's interpreted more like how people joke about OCD (I don't agree with this one either), where people say we are all a little bit OCD about things, you just have to learn to relax and let some things go.  Well guess what I can't - I need structure and I need to play out in my mind what I need to do and go through some possible variations of a scenario, just so I can deal with it.

How do you explain this to someone who is NT and make them understand?

I always find it ironic how ND people are labelled as lacking in empathy, yet getting NT to understand your perspective is impossible sometimes - or trivialized.

We are a good couple who love each other, but our relationship is struggling.  We are drifting apart and are getting more and more ratty with each other.  This isn't the relationship either of us signed up for and I know we are both better than this.

Parents

  • Sorry to hear that you’re going threw difficult times at present.

    My NT partner cannot make the leap to see another persons persoective or understand autism and how in affects me. Like you I like to know “the plan”. He’s already sorted five days straight of Christmas guests without asking or considering I might need respite. He decides the weekends, this weekend is the first in three where we’ve not had guests. He asks if I’m ok, I say no. I’m currently getting support for anxiety and depression and now have a date for my first assessment... the significance of all this passes him by as long as he can do what he likes and his own bubble is not disrupted.

    seperate spheres...

  • in reply to Starbuck

    I was talking to another colleague at work yesterday who could, I think, be on the spectrum.  It's in the family.  She's been burned so many times in cohabitation arrangements that she's now living separately from her current partner (in the same street)... and it's worked for several years.  They want to marry and she says there's pressure from various sources for them to have a 'conventional' (i.e. cohabiting) marriage.  But they aren't bowing to it, because it works fine as it is.  That's the only way I'd do it now, too - unless I could have, say, Buckingham Palace and be half a mile apart whilst under the same roof!

  • in reply to Blank

    The only reason I am alive is alcohol.

  • in reply to Starbuck

    So has the *** in balance unsettled you? 

  • in reply to Martian Tom
    Martian Tom said:
    I wonder if something is lost in every such relationship - marriage or partnership.  Surely, no one can be their essential selves in any such arrangement - unless it's uncommonly free and open, and even then it doesn't always work out.

    I agree that we all have to adapt to accommodate another person in our lives.   Sometimes this can be for the better, whereas other times it can be disastrous.  I have come to terms with the fact I need to adapt my ways and cannot be my 'true' self, the same as no one really can when you really delve into it.  I just feel at the moment I am beyond my limits of being able to cope, so 'autistic' traits if you want to call them that, become more obvious and I am much less forgiving in my ways.  My tolerance levels have reached breaking point, which results in me being more sensitive and lashing out - this is where the problem lies for me, I have hit a point to which my control over how I act is diminished and I end up acting in ways I feel is not respectful.  However, my partner fails to realise when I am reaching said breaking point and what can add to that limit being exceed more quickly and regularly.  This could be the reason behind my recent shutdowns and burnouts.

  • in reply to Blank
    Blank said:
    All the times I left it was both a relief and a financial disastet. In both instances the other person was better off. Both times because I really wanted to leave instantly

    I have learned the hard way in the past where ex partners have taken advantage of me.  My current partner is not like that or that way inclined.  His intentions are genuine and well-meaning in that regards.

  • in reply to Blank

    Sorry for the late reply - I have been battling with shutdowns, burnout and a chaotic schedule.

    I am on edge and getting towards my limit tonight, so I will aim to keep this short and sweet.

    We both have our own houses but pretty much live together where we take it in turns to stopover at each house.  I like it this way as I have my own space, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I am now having to stop at his house a lot more to help me get to work.  I am not dependent on him, but living at his house I suppose has made me more dependent.  

  • in reply to .

    Maybe you should start off by equally sharing all the bills? Somehow this system doesn't seem fair to me. But I could be wrong.

  • in reply to Martian Tom

    All the times I left it was both a relief and a financial disastet. In both instances the other person was better off. Both times because I really wanted to leave instantly.

  • in reply to .

    I found alcohol really made things bearable and clouded my judgment too much. Granted, once I stopped drinking I couldn't see the fun of most things anymore and the relationship ended fairly quickly.

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