Managing work, mental health, family and everything else....

Hi, so I’m 26 and was diagnosed as autistic several years ago. 

I’ve always felt pretty isolated. I feel different and don’t fit in anywhere unless I pretend to be another person, even then I struggle to maintain that for long.

I hate my life and I know that sounds a bit dramatic but I do. I am incredibly fortunate in the sense that I am currently financially stable but I don’t feel fulfilled by my life. 

At the moment I work 15 hours in a work placement as well as look after a pony for a few days a week too. I see my parents on a Sunday for a few hours. I don’t really have much in terms of support from my family. Both my parents are seriously ill and my step dad is my mums full time carer. 

I feel pathetic saying that I am unhappy because the fact is I have things in my life that I should be pleased about but the reality feels completely different.

I wake in the morning exhausted from a sleep filled with nightmares and racing thoughts. I eat my breakfast and get dressed whilst trying to fight off the belief that I am disgusting and obese. I cant stop myself from thinking constantly about every potential scenario of the day and really struggle to not be in control.

At work I am drained by all the social interaction and because I am constantly suppressing weird, stupid tics and things. When I’ve finished work I come home and I feel overwhelmed by all the household chores, bills, laundry, gardening and cooking. All I want to do is sleep. Then I am alone. I look out my window and feel even more different and even more isolated. I don’t really have any friends and the ones I do, have their own lives and are busy. 

I moved into independent accommodation in June and since then I have been trying desperately to pretend that I’m managing better than I feel I am. I can go days where I don’t physically speak to anyone at all, crying on and off all day, to suddenly being invited over to someone’s house and I’m so grateful for their company that I almost feel sick and I don’t want to leave even though I am exhausted, so when I do, it breaks me. I sob on my way home and hate myself for being pathetic. 

I started self harming again and when that didn’t help I started drinking to help how I feel. I was hiding how much I was drinking and making it sound like a joke when I was hungover. 

I thought I could manage living independently, have a job and just do everything that being an adult entails but I don’t feel like I can. I stopped asking for help and thought if I just pretended like I was managing then I would. 

Ive been offered a permanent job where I am working and I was massively excited. I thought it would be the answer to how I feel but in reality the position would mean working shifts with no pattern and to me this feels massive. 

I think what I’m trying to somehow ask is, is there anyone else like this? Is this all just because I’m autistic? 

At the moment I don’t know who I am and I’m scared that come January when my work placement finishes I’ll be left even more isolated and feeling even worse about myself. I tried to tell someone today that I’m worried about this but she said I was thinking too far ahead but to me it feels as immediate as the coming weekend. 

I’m not sure what else to say, sorry. I think I would just like someone to say I’m not alone.