Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, I am currently undergoing the assessment process for ASD. This came about because I was referred to Mental Health Services for Depression and Anxiety, had issues with this all my life and had some kind of breakdown about a year ago. I began therapy with a psychologist and work with an Occupational Therapist to work on exposure therapy for anxieties. I've found the sessions with the psychologist really confusing due to communication/interaction issues (this has been a problem for me as long as I can remember). The OT asked me in one session if they could do some tests as she was picking up on some things and mentioned Autism in the conversation. Interestingly, just about a week earlier I started googling things I have difficulty with and it was often within information regarding Asperger's, up until that point it never entered my mind. I've had what seems like a very common feature of being aware I was different somehow from other people around me and have felt that way as long as I can remember. I did a questionnaire and scored high but didn't think much of it, so wrote down the name of the test and the result. I kept it in my notebook that I took to appointments and when the OT mentioned this I told her about the test and gave her the information from it.
I have done 3 questionnaires now with the OT over a couple of weeks and I am getting to the point where I just can't take any more. I don't know what the scores have been. They told me I will now have an indefinite wait for an interview next with the OT and another person and then all the information will be discussed at a meeting with psychiatrist and other professionals to decide on diagnosis. They said there is a waiting list and not sure how long, could a month or longer.
I have sensory overload issues but to complicate the picture these have been most troublesome since I became ill around 20 years ago so not sure if connected. My brain feels like an incessant machine for processing information to the point I just shut down and literally have to close myself off from the world. My major difficulty is with contradictions eg things have to be one or the other, I really struggle with ambiguity and uncertainly so if I can't read a situation or a person ie what they're saying or what the meaning is of what they're saying my brain doesn't stop going over things until it can make sense of it. Trouble is, I can't make sense of a lot of it so are always in this vicious cycle. I have said to my OT several times I wish I didn't have to speak, I wish I was a mute, things would be so much easier. I have a lot of difficulty verbalising how I feel and have to write a lot of things down and communicate this to OT/psychologist. It confuses me how I can put things down in words but struggle verbally.
And this brings me to my question. I am considering withdrawing from the process for the following reasons: Is it usual to have this wait between the questionnaires and the interview? The process itself is causing a lot of distress to the point I can't even keep my routine together, that's just completely breaking down. If I don't have ASD then what does that mean and I don't think I could cope with that. The very nature of ASD causes even more confusion for my brain as it just can't make sense of it all, it just seems like more contradiction and confusion. For example, can you have difficulty with change but still like to explore, can you have been hypersensitive for part of your life then hypersensitive later? Also, there is a lot I've mimicked over the years and learned (I am a 49 year old female) but always feel I'm putting on an act and that makes me feel like a fraud and a liar, do other people feel this way? I think its the way my brain interprets things in that to me 'pretending' is a lie, I always worry that sounds mad but I don;t know how else to say it.
My life has been full of stops and starts (bit of a disaster really) and I've never quite reached what I was trying to achieve, for me, that was a 'normal' life. I have one friend who, if it weren't for them I would not be here, In fact I feel I cannot manage without them. They act like an interpreter for me trying to help me make sense of things. I have no doubt I would be locked in my house constantly and never speak to anyone if I didn't have this help.
I joined a mental health forum a some time ago but have never been able to post on there, regardless of my diagnosis, I feel I could do that here and not fear any malice.
I have read several posts and a lot resonates with my situation, although I do have a complex traumatic past which I think can make things even more difficult to untangle.
Very best wishes to everyone and any replies will be appreciated.
Thank you.
Hello,
I’d definately say don5 give up on the process. I’ve just been diagnosed myself after a long wait and feeling very much like you do. For me it has been a massive relief, just because I now know what’s been causing me so many problems. In my own head I’m not a defective ‘normal’ person anymore, I’m an OK Aspie! Although of course all the issues don’t suddenly go away, at least they all make some sort of sense now.
It is massively difficult to deal with all the uncertainty around waits I know. Dealing with uncertain waiting times for any sort of mental health support over the last few years has regularly made my head want to explode too and I understand the temptation to jack it all in. I think i could have handled waits better if they could just have given me a definately timeline. It’s the uncertainty that’s a nightmare. To be honest they really ought to know that’s going to be a massive issue for anyone on the spectrum!
It does sound to me like a lot of your problems really might be due to being on the autism spectrum though, So id say hang in there if you can. See if they can give you an idea of what the wait will least. That might help a bit? Usually I got some sort of fairly helpful reply to that question in the end. I think maybe eventually people thought it was easier to answer than hear my voice!
best of luck with it all, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you so much for that