Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi folks
I've seen tons of threads on here from people with partners with AS, looking for advice - usually along the lines of not getting anything back from their partner and wanting to know if it's because he/she doesn't give a damn, or because the AS gets in the way.
I couldn't find anything the other way around though, and the Aspie feels like they don;t get anything back from their partner. I will be the first to admit that I often have no idea what to do if my partner gets all emotional about something. Mostly this takes the form of depression or just a big old fashioned sulk. I have tried to say/do something to cheer him up when he gets like this in the past but it doesn't seem to help so have stopped trying. Mostly he looks like he actually likes wallowing in it.
I think he thinks "we support each other", whereas I think we drag each other down. Any time I am not good, if I try to say something it generally seems to start a round of what I think of as competitive misery, so if I mention that life is grinding me down, I will get a 15 minute dissertation on why his life is worse than mine. I think I have had sympathy once, quite recently.
Fact is, I do often feel ground down. I am the main wage earner and I sometimes (well, often) feel like I am slowly killing myself just to get by. Especially at this time of year, mental health is pretty much at rock bottom. He has never once asked me how my day was, although will happily give me a blow by blow account of all the things that annoyed him as soon as I walk through the door at the end of a 13 hour day. I get no help whatsoever around the house. When I told him straight "I need help, I can't do all this on my own" it had no effect. He just ignored me and carried on as before.
I have been married twice and with my current partner for 5 years. All three of them it has felt like they don't give a stuff most of the time. Either they don't notice when I am struggling, or they notice but pretend not to because otherwise they might have to do something about it (like pull their weight occasionally). I will admit that I am not the most "in touch with my emotions" sort of person and I don't spend my whole life telling other people how I feel. I don't like overwhelming emotions, they make me uncomfortable. I am starting to wonder whether I should have stayed single. I left my second husband because I could not see what I was getting out of the relationship, apart from a ton of extra work and responsibility. Part of the problem is that everyone (family included) thinks I am "so capable" when inside I feel like I am going to end up burned out and irretrievably broken at any moment.
Has anyone managed to make this work? Anyone got any advice?
I accidentally pressed the 'report as abusive' button on this thread so please ignore that website admin mod whatever forum people. Soz :(
"One evening I nearly eloped with an Elvis impersonator and then I knew I had to move on."
I just wanted to say that this is one of the best sentences I have ever read.
No cowboys!
m.youtube.com/watch
The spec I gave was
quite a low and open bar. What I got was cohersive,, controlling, sometimes violent. I give everything and get taken advantage of. Climbing walls.. I adapt to suit but it’s never recipricol
Whoah
One of the questions I found most difficult to answer during my autism assessment was about marriage. I'm married for the second time now but I'm not sure whether my husband is ND or NT. I've had some long-term relationships too, often 'living together apart' or long distance. Sharing the same space is difficult.
A key factor in the failure of my first marriage was that my then husband stopped doing shift work. I couldn't cope with having so little time on my own. He had been a work colleague before we married - I always had boyfriends I stumbled across due to my limited social life.
I was in a weird relationship with an older guy for a while who just wanted a plus one for parties and someone to watch TV with. He was quite solitary but from a completely different background. The effort of suppressing the more eccentric aspects of my personality to avoid embarrassing him got too much. One evening I nearly eloped with an Elvis impersonator and then I knew I had to move on.
In order to find the man who is now my husband I decided on a completely different approach. I drew up a specification of the sort of person I wanted then joined Guardian Soulmates (this was back in 2005). I saw quite a lot of men and created a spreadsheet with all the relevant information. The photos I used of myself were deliberately vague. Anyone who asked about my weight or appearance was rejected immediately.
My naivety got me into a few tricky situations. I'd set such broad parameters that I was talking to people from 30-90. I chatted to a retired church organist, someone who was into BDSM (had to look that up!) and a guy who worked on a local newspaper. He seemed ideal online but his smell was all wrong when we met.
My now husband's profile stood out because he asked "if you lived surrounded by fields of cabbages would you feel the need to grow roses?" We emailed then spoke on the phone. I couldn't keep up with everything he was saying but I liked the gist of what I heard. We met up on a couple of weekends then spent Christmas and New Year together. We got married just over two years later (10 years ago).
On the plus side we have plenty of shared interests, our politics and values are compatible and we like the same music and films. On the other hand we get tripped up by communication problems and the difficulty we both have discussing emotions. We've been through real trauma because of various health crises and work problems.
I am the main wage earner and a carer now. I get absolutely exhausted and I long for someone to nurture me. I'm not sure how things will go with my marriage, and at work, if I get my autism diagnosis, or if I don't. Feels like my engine is cutting out, I'm drifting towards the verge, and I'm not sure if I'll get going again. So tired!
Very true.... I was thinking of another animal entirely though, lol
Never sure though if it’s down to ignorance, incomprehension, malicious intent or just that I’m not explaining myself though
;-)
I think often they are like the 3 wise monkeys, well specifically the one with his hands over his ears. How does it go "if I put my hands over my ears and go la la la very loudly I can pretend this person is not inconveniently explaining their problems to me, and then I can pretend I don't know owt about it"
moggsy said:Sometimes I think people will go to great lengths to ignore the problems, rather than deal with them.
I didn't call my online persona "ElephantInTheRoom" for nothing, you know :)
At least it does sound like they have listened to you. I hope they can keep you at a safe distance from that woman, and really understand that if you are to settle back in and find your equilibrium in the job again, you need to be far, far away from malicious influences.
It's horrible when you think you should get out, but don't have a whole heap of other options. That day is looming for me, and if I don't jump I will be pushed because the thing I work on is become less and less used these days. I could learn a new language, but my inner voice is reminding me that do that, and I am condemning myself to working in the kind of environments that I don't do at all well with, probably for the rest of my working life. I don't really know what else to do either. I am really not convinced that I would survive a permanent job .... and I guess age is realistically against me too on that score.
I really hope that tomorrow goes OK for you, and that you can at least stick it out until you figure out what else you might like to / be able to do.
I'm not coping either!!! - Pass the plastic spoon!
This is what I'm going through at the moment. Tremendous anxiety today because of returning to work tomorrow. But my manager has texted to say she's going to give me an easy day. Even though I won't have to work with the colleague who triggered my meltdown, though, I'm still fearful of being around her. It's like revisiting the site of trauma. I think it shocked everyone when I had that meltdown. The senior manager who reprimanded me (politely and with some understanding) said 'This can't happen again.' I had to point out to him that I had no control over it. I didn't choose to do it. So if it isn't going to happen again, they need to do something about the situation - not me. I really don't know what I'll do if I have to end up leaving this job. Age is against me. And I think I've reached the end of it with care work.
Certainly true Mr T .... the jobs I have walked away from I have mostly been met with complete surprise when I have said I am leaving because I can't take it any more.
Mind you, I have also been on the receiving end of ostentatious amazement even when I have made my feelings (and problems) very plain indeed. Somehow they were selectively deaf when I tried to tell them, but could hear just fine when I was telling them again a month later, whist holding a resignation letter.
Sometimes I think people will go to great lengths to ignore the problems, rather than deal with them.
This is where I am right now - the mask has fractured and I'm having serious problems. Imploding.
moggsy said:I wonder whether because we just keep on going, people assume it's OK, because that is the easy thing to do. Because we don't scream and shout and tear our hair and have princess-y tantrums every other day, we must be doing fine.
Yes. And that goes for all kinds of relationships, including working ones (by which I mean ones at work, not functioning ones!)
M o g g s y!!!!!!!!
That is totally it! We mask too well... also in "coping" mode but inside breaking horribly but unable to articulate vocally or otherwise what we feel, what we need and who we are!
Then, as you say, either walk away, break down or meltdown....
...then repeat!
I wonder whether because we just keep on going, people assume it's OK, because that is the easy thing to do. Because we don't scream and shout and tear our hair and have princess-y tantrums every other day, we must be doing fine.
This is just a theory, as it would appall me to carry on like that. I had a French boyfriend once who said I didn't love him because I never got emotional enough to scream at him or throw plates at his head. I just put up with the problems until I had had enough, then quietly walked away. In fact I've been doing that my whole life.
I agree with the feeling like a commodity. Or a machine. Perhaps the perceived lack of emotion makes people think we're such tough nuts we can keep going through anything.
moggsy said:You don't stop, because when you do you know you will curl up in a corner and give up, so you just keep on keeping on, and hope you don't break, right?
Exactly!
I don't think the piece of paper will help it is more for my own self-validation.
Allowances for another party just seem very one way!! It does make you feel more like a commodity rather than an entity in your own right.
Mine does show an interest, and I think finds the differences fascinating. So at least I get an interest .... but that doesn't translate to any actual help either. I don't know how you manage being a parent on top of all of the rest of it. I am knackered with only the big kid to run after .... you must be superwoman. Sorry, bad joke. I know the answer to that one already. You don't stop, because when you do you know you will curl up in a corner and give up, so you just keep on keeping on, and hope you don't break, right? I wish I knew what the solution was. Unfortunately I don't think anyone will register what we are doing and how effortful it is, until we simply can't do it any more. Then they will all express surprise. Hope you get your assessment sorted out soon. Maybe when you have the piece of paper to prove it, it'll get harder to ignore x x
In the majority of cases relationships have caused me more harm than good :( I've got to the point now where I dont have the emotional resilience to keep one going.... and I suck at them anyhow!