Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi folks
I've seen tons of threads on here from people with partners with AS, looking for advice - usually along the lines of not getting anything back from their partner and wanting to know if it's because he/she doesn't give a damn, or because the AS gets in the way.
I couldn't find anything the other way around though, and the Aspie feels like they don;t get anything back from their partner. I will be the first to admit that I often have no idea what to do if my partner gets all emotional about something. Mostly this takes the form of depression or just a big old fashioned sulk. I have tried to say/do something to cheer him up when he gets like this in the past but it doesn't seem to help so have stopped trying. Mostly he looks like he actually likes wallowing in it.
I think he thinks "we support each other", whereas I think we drag each other down. Any time I am not good, if I try to say something it generally seems to start a round of what I think of as competitive misery, so if I mention that life is grinding me down, I will get a 15 minute dissertation on why his life is worse than mine. I think I have had sympathy once, quite recently.
Fact is, I do often feel ground down. I am the main wage earner and I sometimes (well, often) feel like I am slowly killing myself just to get by. Especially at this time of year, mental health is pretty much at rock bottom. He has never once asked me how my day was, although will happily give me a blow by blow account of all the things that annoyed him as soon as I walk through the door at the end of a 13 hour day. I get no help whatsoever around the house. When I told him straight "I need help, I can't do all this on my own" it had no effect. He just ignored me and carried on as before.
I have been married twice and with my current partner for 5 years. All three of them it has felt like they don't give a stuff most of the time. Either they don't notice when I am struggling, or they notice but pretend not to because otherwise they might have to do something about it (like pull their weight occasionally). I will admit that I am not the most "in touch with my emotions" sort of person and I don't spend my whole life telling other people how I feel. I don't like overwhelming emotions, they make me uncomfortable. I am starting to wonder whether I should have stayed single. I left my second husband because I could not see what I was getting out of the relationship, apart from a ton of extra work and responsibility. Part of the problem is that everyone (family included) thinks I am "so capable" when inside I feel like I am going to end up burned out and irretrievably broken at any moment.
Has anyone managed to make this work? Anyone got any advice?
One of the questions I found most difficult to answer during my autism assessment was about marriage. I'm married for the second time now but I'm not sure whether my husband is ND or NT. I've had some long-term relationships too, often 'living together apart' or long distance. Sharing the same space is difficult.
A key factor in the failure of my first marriage was that my then husband stopped doing shift work. I couldn't cope with having so little time on my own. He had been a work colleague before we married - I always had boyfriends I stumbled across due to my limited social life.
I was in a weird relationship with an older guy for a while who just wanted a plus one for parties and someone to watch TV with. He was quite solitary but from a completely different background. The effort of suppressing the more eccentric aspects of my personality to avoid embarrassing him got too much. One evening I nearly eloped with an Elvis impersonator and then I knew I had to move on.
In order to find the man who is now my husband I decided on a completely different approach. I drew up a specification of the sort of person I wanted then joined Guardian Soulmates (this was back in 2005). I saw quite a lot of men and created a spreadsheet with all the relevant information. The photos I used of myself were deliberately vague. Anyone who asked about my weight or appearance was rejected immediately.
My naivety got me into a few tricky situations. I'd set such broad parameters that I was talking to people from 30-90. I chatted to a retired church organist, someone who was into BDSM (had to look that up!) and a guy who worked on a local newspaper. He seemed ideal online but his smell was all wrong when we met.
My now husband's profile stood out because he asked "if you lived surrounded by fields of cabbages would you feel the need to grow roses?" We emailed then spoke on the phone. I couldn't keep up with everything he was saying but I liked the gist of what I heard. We met up on a couple of weekends then spent Christmas and New Year together. We got married just over two years later (10 years ago).
On the plus side we have plenty of shared interests, our politics and values are compatible and we like the same music and films. On the other hand we get tripped up by communication problems and the difficulty we both have discussing emotions. We've been through real trauma because of various health crises and work problems.
I am the main wage earner and a carer now. I get absolutely exhausted and I long for someone to nurture me. I'm not sure how things will go with my marriage, and at work, if I get my autism diagnosis, or if I don't. Feels like my engine is cutting out, I'm drifting towards the verge, and I'm not sure if I'll get going again. So tired!
"One evening I nearly eloped with an Elvis impersonator and then I knew I had to move on."
I just wanted to say that this is one of the best sentences I have ever read.