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No answer is no answer / Print NAS articles?

Einfallspinsel

I have a colleague I like, she seems patient and reasonable and nonjudgmental. But we are both introverts and kind of private, so we only speak about work-related things. I think we have secondary hobbies in common, and each has one primary hobby that the other one is indifferent about -- which is normal, I've seen other people be friends with less in common.

Twice, I worked up the courage to change the topic to something non-work related, a hobby or viewpoint that *I think* we share. In both cases, she did not answer. I was confused and embarressed about having missed her reply, and hesitated. Then she just changed the subject to something meaningless.

Every time it fails the same way, the conversation ends, and I don't know why. Were we mistakenly both waiting for the other one to say something? Did she not hear me acoustically? Was what I meant lost in translation? Was she annoyed by my attempt to be more personal, and politely ignored me? It could be anything.

I already read all those books and "survival guides" for Aspergers and I apply the advice. I must be partially successful, she is still talking to me (at work…), and at least she treats me normally, what else does one wish for.

I considered printing out NAS pages for her, to explain what the problem was, just to end the awkward confusion. I don't know what the "FAIL!" looked like from her point of view. (By the way, the NAS page recommends to keep first-time info short, so I'll probably just print the "triad…"?)

When she doesn't reply, what do I say? "Without any words, I can't tell what the answer is?" … "I assume your face is the answer, what does it say?" … "Is that silence-yes or silence-no?" … How do I say that politely? Has anyone succeeded in explaining that… whatever "that" is?

Honestly, all my friends are either geeks, on the spectrum, or (interestingly) face blind. I don't meet often with these friends, but we are fine with that. I never have communication problems with them, and they don't have any with me (as far as I know).

But she's an NT, I don't know what to expect. Not trying feels like a wasted opportunity. I am not an emotional or social person, so she would not get anything out of a friendship, I can't recommend myself as a friend. I just want to explain what the problem was earlier, I don't care, we don't have to be friends. It's plain stupid to fail at such a simple task of talking to someone. It's not like I'm trying to date her or anything complicated.

Any ideas how to clear this up?

Parents

  • Worth considering though that NTs quickly forget/dismiss minor communication breakdowns that might worry people on the spectrum.

    She may not comprehend an attempt to explain a previous difficulty you experienced, simply because she wont have retained it.

    However her apparent not developing a conversation may be her uncertainty how to react to you if she perceives a difficulty - its just that she won't remember individual difficulties, but she will remember that there is a recurring difficulty.

    Alternatively she may be impatient with you or not willing to get involved.

    NTs seem to be gestalt thinkers - they derive a whole message from components that  make up more than is accountable from the individual components. They "get" a message made up of speech, inflexion, body language and their own processes for filling gaps (based on inbuilt social skill).

    People on the spectrum have to try to construe a message from the speech, what they can guess about inflexion and body language, and less experience putting this together in the context of social patterns, but also we don't add the unknown components that seem to create "messages" for NTs. That's why we have misunderstandings and are slower at following social conversation.

    At the same time our contributions are wholly language based, our ability to synchronise inflexion and body language is "all over the place" and we don't know what other components are needed to complete a "message".

    What an NT perceives is someone either deliberately or due to ignorance, not fulfuilling all the expectations. We therefore appear ignorant, rude, lacking empathy (which I don't think we actually lack), inappropriate, slow, thick etc.

    You may be conscious of a difficulty on a number of occasions. They wont be analysing the exchange. They will have a perception that explains our not conveying or reading messages in an exchange, but they wont know the detail.

    I'm sure I've just proved I cannot explain anything properly. And I'm supposed to be a teacher!

Reply

  • Worth considering though that NTs quickly forget/dismiss minor communication breakdowns that might worry people on the spectrum.

    She may not comprehend an attempt to explain a previous difficulty you experienced, simply because she wont have retained it.

    However her apparent not developing a conversation may be her uncertainty how to react to you if she perceives a difficulty - its just that she won't remember individual difficulties, but she will remember that there is a recurring difficulty.

    Alternatively she may be impatient with you or not willing to get involved.

    NTs seem to be gestalt thinkers - they derive a whole message from components that  make up more than is accountable from the individual components. They "get" a message made up of speech, inflexion, body language and their own processes for filling gaps (based on inbuilt social skill).

    People on the spectrum have to try to construe a message from the speech, what they can guess about inflexion and body language, and less experience putting this together in the context of social patterns, but also we don't add the unknown components that seem to create "messages" for NTs. That's why we have misunderstandings and are slower at following social conversation.

    At the same time our contributions are wholly language based, our ability to synchronise inflexion and body language is "all over the place" and we don't know what other components are needed to complete a "message".

    What an NT perceives is someone either deliberately or due to ignorance, not fulfuilling all the expectations. We therefore appear ignorant, rude, lacking empathy (which I don't think we actually lack), inappropriate, slow, thick etc.

    You may be conscious of a difficulty on a number of occasions. They wont be analysing the exchange. They will have a perception that explains our not conveying or reading messages in an exchange, but they wont know the detail.

    I'm sure I've just proved I cannot explain anything properly. And I'm supposed to be a teacher!

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