Undiagnosed Husband, need help

Hi Lucia, 

Oh boy the description of your husband and relationship issues is a carbon copy of me & my wife and I hope the following comments will help you.

I am 61 years old, married for 40 years with 3 grown up children, after a lifetime of issues which I tried very hard to understand & overcome I eventually discovered 'Aspergers' and was officially diagnosed in April 2018.

I think a diagnosis is vital for both you and your husband, I didn't feel that I needed or wanted any help or support but sought a diagnosis so that me & my wife could understand my behaviour and characteristics which then allows us (me) to manage our lives in a way that minimizes situations that will cause me problems.

My diagnosis hasn't changed me & I can still be very selfish at times when I'm really absorbed in what I'm doing, I still rant, rave and get abusive with my wife but we both now understand that it's not personal, not hatred, not bullying, but my reactions to situations that I find difficult to cope with (meltdowns), the situations that cause me problems can be the most trivial stupid things but I'll still react because that's how my brain is wired - I hate being like this but I just can't help it and I feel truly sorry for my long suffering wife.

I fully acknowledge and understand that living with me has not & never will be easy for my wife but with the diagnosis & understanding we now have of my condition it has made things so much better for both of us.

Just like your husband  I have no friends, my wife & children will always be the most important people in my life and I'm enternally grateful for there love, understanding, tolerance and kindness and I'm sure your husband feels the same way so please stick with him and encourage him to get a diagnosis.

Best wishes & good luck to you both 

Dear Baggervance

thank you so much for your reply. It means so much to me to hear someone who is not telling me to end the relationship. It’s been such an up & down month and many times I have asked myself if it is really worth it all. It’s easy to say that it’s not working & that I would be better to leave but another to do it. I think it would destroy my children to break up our family. He would still be their Dad even if he wasn’t my husband & so we would still be involved in each other’s lives. I am not sure that It would make me any happier. 

My husband has been back to the Dr but yet again was told that it would take a long time to get a diagnosis & did he really need it?. Would it really make any difference? They don’t want to bother.  This is the 2nd time he has asked & been put off. It’s so frustrating. It would make a difference to me. Even if he doesn’t think he needs any support, I do, but I can’t get any help unless he gats it first. I feel so desperate. My son is also on the spectrum. He has been assessed but again although they won’t give him a formal diagnosis at this stage, he is getting support at school which is helping him with his social difficulties. I am really hoping that this helps prevent him ending up in the same situation as his Dad. Things are pretty bad at the moment. Communication is st an all time low. I think he would be happy just to not speak to any of us at all, to him that would be a solution. He has upset me several times over the last few days, I am feeling so stressed but he just can’t see it. He thinks I am over reacting or just crazy. 

My Dr says a diagnosis for him would help, his Dr says he doesn’t need one. Not sure I will manage to get him to go back yet again. 

Dear Baggervance

thank you so much for your reply. It means so much to me to hear someone who is not telling me to end the relationship. It’s been such an up & down month and many times I have asked myself if it is really worth it all. It’s easy to say that it’s not working & that I would be better to leave but another to do it. I think it would destroy my children to break up our family. He would still be their Dad even if he wasn’t my husband & so we would still be involved in each other’s lives. I am not sure that It would make me any happier. 

My husband has been back to the Dr but yet again was told that it would take a long time to get a diagnosis & did he really need it?. Would it really make any difference? They don’t want to bother.  This is the 2nd time he has asked & been put off. It’s so frustrating. It would make a difference to me. Even if he doesn’t think he needs any support, I do, but I can’t get any help unless he gats it first. I feel so desperate. My son is also on the spectrum. He has been assessed but again although they won’t give him a formal diagnosis at this stage, he is getting support at school which is helping him with his social difficulties. I am really hoping that this helps prevent him ending up in the same situation as his Dad. Things are pretty bad at the moment. Communication is st an all time low. I think he would be happy just to not speak to any of us at all, to him that would be a solution. He has upset me several times over the last few days, I am feeling so stressed but he just can’t see it. He thinks I am over reacting or just crazy. 

My Dr says a diagnosis for him would help, his Dr says he doesn’t need one. Not sure I will manage to get him to go back yet again. 

I don’t think he would ever talk to anyone about it. He really does seem to be closed to everything. Although he believes he is on the spectrum, he doesn’t think that is the problem between us, he just thinks that I am wrong about everything. He thinks we can’t agree about anything & refuses to accept that any of his behaviour is unreasonable. We had a big argument the other day triggered by his impatience & unwillingness to listen to what I wanted to tell him. He said it was boring & I should just keep it to the minimum. He couldn’t see how his rudeness was upsetting to me.

i don’t think he really does want to keep our marriage going to be honest. He only really values money not people & I think the only thing stopping him leaving is that it would be expensive to divorce. His ASD is complicated by problems in his relationship with his parents and how he feels that their divorce & behaviour since destroyed his life. He doesn’t believe that there is any way out of that & won’t speak to anyone about it. I believe all this has caused mental health issues, probably depression. Most of which could be helped if he let it. We think his Mum probably has ASD also and what upsets him about her behaviour is pretty much what upsets me about his but he can’t see it. 

All this does make me even more angry with the 2 Dr’s he has seen. If they  just listened to him they would see that he could help him in so many ways as well as with a diagnosis. They don’t seem to realise what it has taken for him to go there and speak to them & then for it to be dismissed as nothing. 

Giving up and breaking up my family is a real last resort & would devastate me. I don’t actually feel like it is a solution as I can’t see that any of us will be better off as a result. I am   feeling so sad right now but would Life be any better if the family was torn apart & I had to negotiate with him over everything. I am not sure that I am emotionally strong enough to deal with that or risk losing my children. 

Hi Lucia,

So sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now but from what you've written I truly believe you have the strength & desire to overcome the issues & keep your family together.

Absolute shame on the Doctor who didn't refer your husband for a diagnosis there are many similar stories on this forum and my own experience of seeking a diagnosis was not easy either due to the closed mind of my GP who kept on insisting that I was suffering from depression. I took written evidence to back up my reasons for wanting a diagnosis and the GP hardly looked at this but I was fully prepared & determined to get a diagnosis and kept on insisting until he gave in. My advise to your husband would be to see another Doctor and taken written evidence to back up his case, a short life history outlining his characteristic, behaviour, issues & problems going right back to childhood. (

Lucia22 said:

Communication is st an all time low

Easy to say I know but communication between you is absolutely vital, you need to talk to each other and be totally honest both with yourselves & each other so that you can appreciate and understand how you both feel and what you both want for your futures. Without knowing you both personally it's difficult to give too much advice but If you both have a strong desire to stay in the relationship & keep your family together trust me you can do it. My wife and I both now understand that autism is the enemy and cause of almost all/any problems between us, once you understand that it takes away any resentment or bitterness between you and together you find ways to manage your lives & minimize situations that cause problems.

Lucia22 said:

I think he would be happy just to not speak to any of us at all, to him that would be a solution

I can certainly relate to this, when I'm overloaded with stress anxiety or any other issues I just don't want to talk to anybody and need to be left alone until I've recovered, my wife understands this now and doesn't feel hurt by my moody silence safe in the knowledge that it's not her fault and in my own time I'll get back to being a reasonable husband again.

Bottom line is if your husband truly believes that he is on the spectrum and he wants to save your marriage he will find the determination & courage to seek a diagnosis, I would also strongly advise that you both learn everything you can about autism which will help you understand the many complex issues involved and in turn help you move forward together.

There's so much more I could write but I'll leave it at that for fear of waffling on too much.

Best Wishes

PS - Would be interesting to hear your husbands side of the story, I'm sure I'd be able to relate & understand things from his perspective.