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Undiagnosed Husband, need help

Lucia22

My husband is 46 & although undiagnosed we both believe he has Aspergers. I want him to get a diagnosis but he doesn’t think there is any point because he doesn’t need any help or support but I do. I find it so hard. He can be so hurtful & I don’t know whether I am using his potential condition as an excuse or whether he really doesn’t care about me. 

He thinks most of the communication problems we have are down to my inability to understand, it’s me who is doing things wrong. He doesn’t really understand other people & doesn’t have  any friends so there is no one to bounce things off. He knows that there is more to communication than words but usually tries to guess what is being conveyed & often gets it wrong, reading more into things than there really is. This causes paranoia as he is convinced people don’t like him or are talking about him behind his back, criticising him. When they probably haven’t even given him any thought. This causes misunderstandings & falling out.  

He is always right & I am wrong. We argue constantly. His family life was v difficult so that doesn’t help as there is no support there & he puts a lot of his issues down to that. 

I am most upset today as he has gone abroad for 5 days & I just dropped him at the station. He shouted at me for not parking in the right place & just got out of the car, happy to go off without even saying goodbye. It was really the last straw for me. So hurtful & I am so sad that it has been left like this. We have 2 children who he adores although due to his intolerance they  complain that Daddy shouts at them a lot. 

He has a lot of the usual traits. 

Inability to read non verbal communication, self absorption, can’t tolerate certain noises, obsessive behaviour. 

I just really need some support but don’t know where to turn. 

Parents

  • Hi Lucia, 

    Oh boy the description of your husband and relationship issues is a carbon copy of me & my wife and I hope the following comments will help you.

    I am 61 years old, married for 40 years with 3 grown up children, after a lifetime of issues which I tried very hard to understand & overcome I eventually discovered 'Aspergers' and was officially diagnosed in April 2018.

    I think a diagnosis is vital for both you and your husband, I didn't feel that I needed or wanted any help or support but sought a diagnosis so that me & my wife could understand my behaviour and characteristics which then allows us (me) to manage our lives in a way that minimizes situations that will cause me problems.

    My diagnosis hasn't changed me & I can still be very selfish at times when I'm really absorbed in what I'm doing, I still rant, rave and get abusive with my wife but we both now understand that it's not personal, not hatred, not bullying, but my reactions to situations that I find difficult to cope with (meltdowns), the situations that cause me problems can be the most trivial stupid things but I'll still react because that's how my brain is wired - I hate being like this but I just can't help it and I feel truly sorry for my long suffering wife.

    I fully acknowledge and understand that living with me has not & never will be easy for my wife but with the diagnosis & understanding we now have of my condition it has made things so much better for both of us.

    Just like your husband  I have no friends, my wife & children will always be the most important people in my life and I'm enternally grateful for there love, understanding, tolerance and kindness and I'm sure your husband feels the same way so please stick with him and encourage him to get a diagnosis.

    Best wishes & good luck to you both 

Reply

  • Hi Lucia, 

    Oh boy the description of your husband and relationship issues is a carbon copy of me & my wife and I hope the following comments will help you.

    I am 61 years old, married for 40 years with 3 grown up children, after a lifetime of issues which I tried very hard to understand & overcome I eventually discovered 'Aspergers' and was officially diagnosed in April 2018.

    I think a diagnosis is vital for both you and your husband, I didn't feel that I needed or wanted any help or support but sought a diagnosis so that me & my wife could understand my behaviour and characteristics which then allows us (me) to manage our lives in a way that minimizes situations that will cause me problems.

    My diagnosis hasn't changed me & I can still be very selfish at times when I'm really absorbed in what I'm doing, I still rant, rave and get abusive with my wife but we both now understand that it's not personal, not hatred, not bullying, but my reactions to situations that I find difficult to cope with (meltdowns), the situations that cause me problems can be the most trivial stupid things but I'll still react because that's how my brain is wired - I hate being like this but I just can't help it and I feel truly sorry for my long suffering wife.

    I fully acknowledge and understand that living with me has not & never will be easy for my wife but with the diagnosis & understanding we now have of my condition it has made things so much better for both of us.

    Just like your husband  I have no friends, my wife & children will always be the most important people in my life and I'm enternally grateful for there love, understanding, tolerance and kindness and I'm sure your husband feels the same way so please stick with him and encourage him to get a diagnosis.

    Best wishes & good luck to you both 

Children
  • in reply to Baggervance

    Dear Baggervance

    thank you so much for your reply. It means so much to me to hear someone who is not telling me to end the relationship. It’s been such an up & down month and many times I have asked myself if it is really worth it all. It’s easy to say that it’s not working & that I would be better to leave but another to do it. I think it would destroy my children to break up our family. He would still be their Dad even if he wasn’t my husband & so we would still be involved in each other’s lives. I am not sure that It would make me any happier. 

    My husband has been back to the Dr but yet again was told that it would take a long time to get a diagnosis & did he really need it?. Would it really make any difference? They don’t want to bother.  This is the 2nd time he has asked & been put off. It’s so frustrating. It would make a difference to me. Even if he doesn’t think he needs any support, I do, but I can’t get any help unless he gats it first. I feel so desperate. My son is also on the spectrum. He has been assessed but again although they won’t give him a formal diagnosis at this stage, he is getting support at school which is helping him with his social difficulties. I am really hoping that this helps prevent him ending up in the same situation as his Dad. Things are pretty bad at the moment. Communication is st an all time low. I think he would be happy just to not speak to any of us at all, to him that would be a solution. He has upset me several times over the last few days, I am feeling so stressed but he just can’t see it. He thinks I am over reacting or just crazy. 

    My Dr says a diagnosis for him would help, his Dr says he doesn’t need one. Not sure I will manage to get him to go back yet again.