Hello
I have just found this forum and just feel that I need to a place to offload, whether anyone reads/replies or not. I am approaching 40 and have always had a lot of social anxiety. As a child i was school phobic for a while and always labelled 'shy'. I struggled to cope in social situations even within my own family. As i got older I never seemed to 'fit in' with any social groups and although I tried my best to please and be kind to everyone found the complexitites of social relationships very hard. I had one boyfriend in my teens, who thinking back was proboably on the spectrum too. His friends never liked me and thought i was 'up my self' as i struggled to interact with them. I took a huge step of going to university where I met my wife. She was the one to 'make the move' and I found being with her so much easier than being with a man as she was much more understanding of my difficulties. We have been together for nearly 20 years and have 2 children together that we conceived through sperm donor. My greatest achievement is my children.
I became a teacher for children with special needs and particulkary children with autism and found that even though the job had some tough challneges socially for me, I connected well with the children. Eventually the pressures of the job took their toll and I ended up having a kind of 'break down'. I ended up being put onto anti depressants for anxiety and depression (that was nearly 9 years ago). I was also diagnosed with IBS and have other health issues which through my own investigation I put down to food intolerances. Since avoiding certain foods - gluten, alcohol, dairy, addititives, caffeine and cutting down on sugar, my health has been much improved. (are food intolerances linked at all with autism?).
After my break down I left teaching and have since set up a nursery with my partner. This puts its own strains on me but my partner supports me by taking on a lot of the roles I struggle with.
I never used to see myslef as autistic as I have great empathy - too much and I often become a counsellor for others foresaking my own difficulties to support people close to me. I just hoped that as I got older my diffciulties would go away and Id suddenly become a new woman full of confidence and vigour. Now as I approach my 40th birthday I know this just isnt going to happen. I struggle so much with situations that I am becomiing perpetually overwhelmed and then feeling guilty for being such a burden on my wife. I have always struggled with initimacy and feel as though I am another child for my wife to look after rather than the supportive wife that I should be. I have sat down with my wife and told her that I want her to find someone that makes her happy and is more than I can be but she wont have it. However, I still feel that she thinks I can be fixed.
I have recently been to see my GP with regard to changing my anxiety medication and i broached the subject of autism. She wasnt dismissive and said that if I felt it was something I wanted to pursue to contact the local autism service. She didnt, however, offer to make a referral herself but maybe that is something I need to ask outright.
I am unsure if I got a diagnosis what I would do then? Would it change anything? Who would I tell? Would it change perceptions of me?
I would like to think I am a nice person and I have worked all my life to mask my failings and difficulties, I wouldnt want anyone to think any less of me or see me in a differnt way?
My step brother is severely autistic and my brother has aspergers (although undiagnosed) and I defintely see it in a lot of other memebers of my family.
I dont really know what I want from anyone reading this, I just felt the need to write some things down. Hearing the experiences of others would be good, especially how your partners cope etc.
Thanks for reading if youve got this far xxxx
