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Ramblings of an undiagnosed newbie ;)

NAS39242

Hello

I have just found this forum and just feel that I need to a place to offload, whether anyone reads/replies or not.  I am approaching 40 and have always had a lot of social anxiety.  As a child i was school phobic for a while and always labelled 'shy'.  I struggled to cope in social situations even within my own family.  As i got older I never seemed to 'fit in' with any social groups and although I tried my best to please and be kind to everyone found the complexitites of social relationships very hard.  I had one boyfriend in my teens, who thinking back was proboably on the spectrum too.  His friends never liked me and thought i was 'up my self' as i struggled to interact with them.  I took a huge step of going to university where I met my wife.  She was the one to 'make the move' and I found being with her so much easier than being with a man as she was much more understanding of my difficulties.  We have been together for nearly 20 years and have 2 children together that we conceived through sperm donor.  My greatest achievement is my children. 

I became a teacher for children with special needs and particulkary children with autism and found that even though the job had some tough challneges socially for me, I connected well with the children.  Eventually the pressures of the job took their toll and I ended up having a kind of 'break down'.  I ended up being put onto anti depressants for anxiety and depression (that was nearly 9 years ago).  I was also diagnosed with IBS and have other health issues which through my own investigation I put down to food intolerances.  Since avoiding certain foods - gluten, alcohol, dairy, addititives, caffeine and cutting down on sugar, my health has been much improved.  (are food intolerances linked at all with autism?).

After my break down I left teaching and have since set up a nursery with my partner.  This puts its own strains on me but my partner supports me by taking on  a lot of the roles I struggle with.

I never used to see myslef as autistic as I have great empathy - too much and I often become a counsellor for others foresaking my own difficulties to support people close to me.  I just hoped that as I got older my diffciulties would go away and Id suddenly become a new woman full of confidence and vigour.  Now as I approach my 40th birthday I know this just isnt going to happen.  I struggle so much with situations that I am becomiing perpetually overwhelmed and then feeling guilty for being such a burden on my wife.  I have always struggled with initimacy and feel as though I am another child for my wife to look after rather than the supportive wife that I should be.  I have sat down with my wife and told her that I want her to find someone that makes her happy and is more than I can be but she wont have it.  However, I still feel that she thinks I can be fixed. 

I have recently been to see my GP with regard to changing my anxiety medication and i broached the subject of autism.  She wasnt dismissive and said that if I felt it was something I wanted to pursue to contact the local autism service.  She didnt, however, offer to make a referral herself but maybe that is something I need to ask outright.

I am unsure if I got a diagnosis what I would do then?  Would it change anything?  Who would I tell?  Would it change perceptions of me?

I would like to think I am a nice person and I have worked all my life to mask my failings and difficulties, I wouldnt want anyone to think any less of me or see me in a differnt way?

My step brother is severely autistic and my brother has aspergers (although undiagnosed) and I defintely see it in a lot of other memebers of my family. 

I dont really know what I want from anyone reading this, I just felt the need to write some things down.  Hearing the experiences of others would be good, especially how your partners cope etc.

Thanks for reading if youve got this far xxxx

  • Hi there

    And potentially welcome to  the club! So much of what you describe in terms of the problems you suffer with sounds familiar. Anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed can be features of ASD, and are certainly something I can relate to. Being an empath too must be hard - I don't think I am, extremes of emotion (mine or other people's) terrify me and I usually just run away from them! 

    ASD certainly seems to run in families. My grandfather had Aspergers and so do I. I was not diagnosed until 46 (I am also female btw), but I am so happy that I was. Something to think upon: you ask whether if you got a diagnosis, it would change anything, but your musings as to what it might change are quite focussed on other people. I would say that it will change things, but for you - the relief of knowing that there is A Reason Why, you are not a rubbish human being who is a burden to your wife, you are just someone who processes things differently, who has a different "operating manual". You can use this knowledge to be kinder to yourself .... start to recognise which situations give you a problem, so that you can deal with them more appropriately, or avoid them if needs be .... Understanding yourself is a huge thing.

    When I got my diagnosis, I feel that some family members struggled to understand why I was happy about it, feeling that I was "identifying with defective people"  or some such nonsense. You know what I felt? Lucky, that's what. Because someone has explained the meaning of (my) life to me, and how many people are lucky enough to get that?

    Your wife clearly loves you very much and I can only think that if you both knew what you were dealing with, she would understand some of the whys of your personality and you may hopefully be able to see yourself more as I reckon she sees you: not as a flawed human being, just as a different one :-)

    The very best of luck with whatever you decide x x 

    PS I totally agree with getting Cynthia Kim's book. It's great, but you may find yourself thinking oh wow this is me for a lot of it!

  • in reply to Bagpuss7

    Thanks so much for your reply.  I've just ordered the book! Anything that can help me to get things a little straighter in my head.  I think being a few months off 40 has really hit me and I feel the need to get a lot of things straight and sorted in my life.  Really appreciate your advice x

  • Welcome! I'm in my 40s, just diagnosed, and a teacher. My diagnosis hasn't changed me...but it's helping me understand who I am. Still very much a work in progress, but it feels good to know what the whys are, rather than just wondering why (if that makes sense).

    When I was in my "am i? should I get diagnosed?" phase I read a few books and blogs (Cynthia Kim "Nerdy Shy and Socially Inappropriate" was the one that really resonated) and did a few online test. Maybe doing something like that would help?

    NAS39242 said:
    I would like to think I am a nice person and I have worked all my life to mask my failings and difficulties, I wouldnt want anyone to think any less of me or see me in a differnt way?

    your quote sounds like me....and I don't think the people I've told (not many as of yet) have changed their opinions of me. But letting them in has helped me to understand who I am.