I Realise I Am Mr Data.

I've been a lurker on the site for ages and I signed up a while ago. I'm Asperger's, 52 now, diagnosed 10 years ago.

I read all of the insightful replies people give to the various threads on here and I try to analyse the types of people behind the answers. I admire the level of support people try to give - which is amazing considering all of our own problems.

Unfortunately, all this analysis just leads me further down the realisation that I just don't get it. I really do not understand emotions. I do not feel anything other than 'meh'. A sort of nothingness. I feel anger when people either deliberately of accidentally mess me around  - but other than that, there's nothing.

I run on a very, very deep seated 'prime directive' of "I must do the right thing" which makes me look almost heroic in my ability to push through adversity and do things that impress everyone and make the world go around/keep the wheels on the wagon - but I don't 'feel' anything. I am the rock that provides stability and direction and the ability to keep of the even path even though I am surrounded by life's boulders. I always keep my head while everyone else goes to pieces. All of my motives boil down to "doing the right thing"

I get no sense of satisfaction because all I'm doing is decrementing an infinite list of problems that need sorting out. I'm never finished, there's always more to do.

People say I should be proud of my achievments - I don't get it.

A few years ago, I lost a lot of people close to me all in a few months - I recall just thinking "that's good, gone with no pain, nice & quick, neat & tidy" for my mum, "what a disappointment & waste" for my father in law, "oh, that's a shame" for my friend's mum (I'd known her almost 40 years) and "oh, ok" for a couple of uncles - but that's it.

I have no concept of 'happy' in myself but I understand when other people are happy.

I get upset/cry instantly at certain pieces of music - but it's over just as instantly - sort of like eating an ice-cream - momentary effect gone in seconds.

I realise I am much more like Commander Data than I thought. I just don't get all this human stuff.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this an acceptable normal?

Should I be doing something?

Parents
  • In some respects I'm almost the complete opposite.  My preference is to be quiet, calm, rational etc. but there are things for which I get quite an extreme "emotional" response to that I'd prefer to able to "be more chilled and pragmatic" about.

  • I'd like to be different - but my logic and need to do the right thing override everything, I always consider everyone else's needs and weigh-up if I'm being selfish faster than I'm able to decide to go nuts.

     I pretend to enjoy myself. I create wonderful situations for other people - but I'm not actually able to enjoy them. The 'meh' is a crippling disease that is burning up my life.

    It makes me look very mature, balanced and reliable - but the child within me is dying. 

  • Maybe you need to work out what makes you happy, or at least more calm and centred, and then deliberately make time to do those things.  Or if you don't know, try random activities till you find something you unexpectedly find fulfilling in whatever way works for you.

Reply
  • Maybe you need to work out what makes you happy, or at least more calm and centred, and then deliberately make time to do those things.  Or if you don't know, try random activities till you find something you unexpectedly find fulfilling in whatever way works for you.

Children
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