I Realise I Am Mr Data.

Maybe you need to work out what makes you happy, or at least more calm and centred, and then deliberately make time to do those things.  Or if you don't know, try random activities till you find something you unexpectedly find fulfilling in whatever way works for you.

I'd like to be different - but my logic and need to do the right thing override everything, I always consider everyone else's needs and weigh-up if I'm being selfish faster than I'm able to decide to go nuts.

 I pretend to enjoy myself. I create wonderful situations for other people - but I'm not actually able to enjoy them. The 'meh' is a crippling disease that is burning up my life.

It makes me look very mature, balanced and reliable - but the child within me is dying. 

In some respects I'm almost the complete opposite.  My preference is to be quiet, calm, rational etc. but there are things for which I get quite an extreme "emotional" response to that I'd prefer to able to "be more chilled and pragmatic" about.

Trogluddite said:

I think maybe the emotional part of me still is a child, so I understand the simple version in kids shows, but not how it really works for adults. Or maybe I do have those emotions inside and I don't know it, so seeing the same thing in a cartoon brings them out when they match.

This makes sense - I get the same response - I seem to over-identify with innocent characters being used by manipulators or when they cannot understand the grown-up world - films like Babe, AI, Finding Dory, Wall-e, the end of Toy-Story 3 when they're all in the furnace etc.

There's a new Christopher Robin film out - I cannot sit in a cinema full of kids bawling my eyes out - I'll watch it alone on the internet.

__Pathfinder__ said:

Now on the other hand, give me a movie or anime to watch and the tears are running.  No idea why its triggered so much when watching films and tv series.

I was talking to someone else another another thread about that only a few days ago, because we both have the same thing, and I've heard other people say it on other forums too.

I think maybe the emotional part of me still is a child, so I understand the simple version in kids shows, but not how it really works for adults. Or maybe I do have those emotions inside and I don't know it, so seeing the same thing in a cartoon brings them out when they match. I'm really not sure; maybe there's no way to tell.

Trogluddite said:

Yup, same with anything ambiguous, really, for me. So, what's my favourite colour again? Can I remember what I said last time or am I going to have to explain why I thinks it's silly to even have one? Red...no...Blue...erm...

My answer for that would be 'Table'. I would only be asked that question as a Turing test so I would assume I'm talking to a computer so I would deliberately try to screw it up. I bet it would agree with me what a lovely colour Table was - a sort of mix of post & car. With house dots on.

I also have this emotionless part of me that no oine in my family or friends can understand.  I sat at several funerals over the years and didnt cry or show emotion.  In fact I thought along the lines of well now they are at peace.  I even tried crying a few months back to no avail.  Its something I could do as a child, but i almost programmed it out of myself sometime in my teens.

Now on the other hand, give me a movie or anime to watch and the tears are running.  No idea why its triggered so much when watching films and tv series.

My fount of knowledge is medical facts.  I spend a lot of time in hospital for unrealted issues and find people are always surprised at my understanding of medical issues and pharmaceuticals.  I watch a lot of documentaries, read a lot of books, retain a lot of information.  A paramedic was talking to another paramedic a few months back while I was being transported into hospital.  She had been on the course for dealing with NBC incidents and asked her colleague about auto-injectors and what they contained.  She was kind of shocked that I could tell her, what was in it, what it would do to her when used, how long it would last, best practices for managing the situation.  I just laughed and said I watch a lot of documentaries.

Plastic said:

This is the problem - the bot checkers are a lower form of heuristics

Cassandro's going to be very cross when he hears you've been talking about him like that, you know!

Plastic said:

but if someone asks me how I feel, I'm screwed - brain locks up, complete glitch

Yup, same with anything ambiguous, really, for me. So, what's my favourite colour again? Can I remember what I said last time or am I going to have to explain why I thinks it's silly to even have one? Red...no...Blue...erm...

This is the problem - the bot checkers are a lower form of heuristics :o)

I pass as normal because of my ability to talk about technical and factual information as a second nature - I could cough out a 500 page report on the advantages of inboard mounted brake systems without trying - but if someone asks me how I feel, I'm screwed - brain locks up, complete glitch. I have no answer and even I can see the reactions of people in front of me.

You're passing the Turing Test pretty well so far, I reckon - our resident bot-hunters would have got you by now otherwise!

Cheers for that - I'll have a chat with my gp first about what can be done - she's new so might be a bit more switched on. I'm just a little concerned that the more negative labels that get attached, the more of a leper I become. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss.

Trogluddite said:

I think that's a good answer. It does answer the question; "is it acceptable to you?". Not really by the sounds of it, because you have a conscience and likely more compassion than you give yourself credit for.

I can't tell if compassion is actually a logical conclusion from accurately measuring the situation - which then forces me to 'do the right thing' which can be incorrectly measured by others as me showing compassion.

If anything, I feel 'put-upon' that I've now picked up yet another burden on my immediate to-do list.

I seem to be nearer to a highly evolved AI system than a normal human.

Plastic said:

When I ask about doing something, it's a concern for those around me - I'm not sure if I'm capable of change/growth but as those around me are NT, I am aware of their development and I'm concerned that my responses will not satisfy their emotional needs.

I think that's a good answer. It does answer the question; "is it acceptable to you?". Not really by the sounds of it, because you have a conscience and likely more compassion than you give yourself credit for.

Plastic said:

Miost of my melt-downs are internal - I just get overloaded and shut down.

That's always been more usual for me too; I think it depends a bit what the trigger is for me; I tend to only melt-down if anger is the trigger, otherwise I shut-down or flee.

Plastic said:

Will the alexithmia diagnosis add any value? i'm already very Asperger's so how much more will that mean?

It doesn't really make much difference; it more a descriptive label for certain traits rather than a diagnosis of its own. It's like a lot of things with Asperger's; the stuff they measure at your assessment is just what's needed to prove a diagnosis, but actually living with Asperger's has many more aspects to it - even melt-downs, shut-downs and sensory sensitivities aren't part of the official diagnostic criteria, yet most autistic people recognise them. Just think of it as a name you can use to make these emotional effects easier to talk about and maybe understand them a little better.

Plastic said:

I have tried CBT in the past but felt pressured into giving the 'right answers' because I felt it was a waste of time.

Yes, that's unfortunately the case for many people; it went much the same way the first couple of times I tried it. I only tried it again because I got lucky; the team had a counsellor who'd worked with autistic people before. It really did make a huge difference, right from the start, and it's about time mental health teams started recognising this - they don't just need a one-day autism-awareness course, but a really thorough understanding.

It may be worth looking around to see if you can find anything locally, though; if you can find one, even with a private autism provider, you may be able to get special NHS funding for it, because you can make a case that you have autism specific issues that need dealing with. That's what I'm doing at the moment; there's a little organisation here that provide autism services to the local council, but they'll take people who aren't with social services for counselling if your doctor can get the NHS funding. I'd try somewhere like CAB or Mencap to try and find out; most GPs won't have a clue where to look for outside services like that - even the unit that assessed me knew nothing about the place I'm trying to get into. It still might not happen, but I've nothing to lose by trying.

Thanks for the replies - I have tried CBT in the past but felt pressured into giving the 'right answers' because I felt it was a waste of time.

When I ask about doing something, it's a concern for those around me - I'm not sure if I'm capable of change/growth but as those around me are NT, I am aware of their development and I'm concerned that my responses will not satisfy their emotional needs.

Miost of my melt-downs are internal - I just get overloaded and shut down.

Will the alexithmia diagnosis add any value? i'm already very Asperger's so how much more will that mean?

Plastic said:

Does anyone else feel this way?

That's pretty much me most of the time, my only other common emotion besides "meh" is a kind of niggling irritation/frustration - more of an itch that I can't scratch than an intense feeling. I do get very anxious quite often, but don't usually register it unless someone else points it out to me, or it gets to melt-down levels. This might sound strange, but the fact that you cry when listening to music probably means that you do have emotions, but you don't consciously register them - your subconscious has the emotional response, but your conscious mind just quite detachedly thinks, "oh, that's interesting, my eyes are leaking." Similar to music, I do sometimes feel something more powerful when I see other people's emotions expressed; I can cry quite easily at other people's suffering, yet very rarely at my own (or maybe I'm crying at my own too, but don't recognise it.)

It sound to me like you have alexithymia - not a condition in its own right, but a set of traits involving poor recognition of own emotions, lack of language to describe emotions, and unresponsiveness to emotional cues that your subconscious sends via your body. It is far more common for autistic people than others, and far more likely to be to an extreme. When children develop, they actually begin to understand other people's emotions before their own; their self-awareness comes from mimicking and making correlations with the behaviour of the people around them. So in a sense, alexithymia might partly be that an autistic deficit in cognitive empathy for other people also extends to ourself.

Plastic said:

Is this an acceptable normal?

To other people, only your behaviour can be acceptable or unacceptable, not your private emotions or the lack of them. People who feel strong emotions may manifest them in either acceptable or unacceptable ways, too. So ultimately, is it acceptable to you?

Plastic said:

Should I be doing something?

Unless it's leading you to harm people, then not "should", no. I have found that appropriate CBT has helped me to widen my emotional repertoire a bit, and to get a bit better at identifying my feelings. This isn't easy to come by, unfortunately; alexithymia is often read by therapists as denial or lack of co-operation; a therapist with specific autism/alexithymia experience is much more likely to be successful. I did this because I did still feel a nagging pang that I wanted more companionship in my life. The main benefit so far is that I'm better at recognising my anxiety levels, which has allowed me to reduce explosive bursts of anger and melt-downs. It is too early to tell what effect, if any, it has had on anything else, nothing much has happened to me since then that I'd expect to elicit particularly strong emotions (besides anger at the DWP!) - but I guess I'm probably not the best judge of that!

The Centre that did my diagnosis runs a course called "Being Me" that I think is based on some NAS materials a few times a year.  They offer a place to people who have had a recent diagnosis.  I did mine earlier this year and I found it helpful - good to know there are other people with similar problems and meet them if nothing else!

Anyway, a chap on my course said very similar to you that he didn't really feel emotions so it doesn't sound like you're unique.  He seemed to find it quite positive since he didn't get "wound up" by things etc.