Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
This is my first post on here so please be nice
My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with ASD (it would be Aspergers if they still could use the term). He is completely obsessed with Japan and everything about it and has decided that he wants to live there when he is older. Because of this, his career choice is to teach English to students over there and he is aiming to do the relevant courses including a degree. (Up until a few months ago, he wanted to work with animals or in an office.)
This is all fantastic and I am happy for him to follow his dreams. However, based on his past few years, I am struggling to envisage it and I don't know whether to continue to encourage/facilitate him. The Psychiatrist that diagnosed him said that I shouldn't encourage him and he would probably forget about it. I am not convinced that he will and also if I have tried to be realistic with him, he just gets annoyed with me and tells me everything will be fine when he is there. He also said that he wouldn't want to live if he couldn't go.
To give you a bit of background - he was originally diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. ASD was always a query (in my mind) but as he didn't fit some of the criteria, no-one seemed convinced. Anyway, long story short, he didn't cope well at school from day 1 - this got worse as he got older and he had school refusal for his last 2 years of secondary. Eventually, he received Out of School tuition for his last few months and he even found this incredibly stressful. He managed to pass English Language and Maths (the only 2 subjects he took due to missing so much school) and has now joined a training provider (like a very small college). His confidence is gradually increasing, but he still relies on me at home to do a lot and be there to talk and explain things to him. He has been trying to learn Japanese, which he is finding almost impossible and he is getting very worked up and stressed about it all.
As you can imagine, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, so am after any advice from any of you that have maybe travelled or moved abroad yourselves. I have always been his spokeperson and have been fighting for him to get the help he has needed. How likely is this dream to become a reality? Can you change drastically from the age of 16 to say early 20's - enough for you to become completely independent enough to move to the other side of the world? (I haven't got ASD and I couldn't do it!)
Please help!
Hi
You need to let go rather than trying to keep him safe in a room. I understand that you love your son but you are in danger of loving him too much and not allowing him to learn by doing things and expand his horizons. I suspect that he didn't cope well with school because he felt hemmed in and had to follow rules rather than being allowed to learn freely by exploring subjects and following his interests. There are lots of people on here that have degrees, some with advanced degrees, and quite number that have travelled all over the world. My suggestion therefore would be to allow him more freedom to learn and explore the way he wants to. He has this dream, that's great, so why not get him to map out how he would go about achieving it and allowing him to set a timetable for achieving it, which includes trips to places unaccompanied so as building up his confidence and develop the skills necessary to fulfil his dream. If he discovers along the way he doesn't really want to do that, then that is fine too as he will have learnt new skills and broadened his horizons.
Andy
I am not trying to keep him safe in his room. I don't think it is possible to love your child too much and I am certainly not stopping him from doing anything that he wants to do. I don't know where you have got this impression from, but I am backing him all the way if this is his dream. Your suggestion to let him map it out himself would be great and obviously I would have got him to do this if he was able. However, he gets overwhelmed and extremely stressed when trying to find things out, so he is constantly asking me for help. I have spend hours researching courses, colleges, universities etc, spoken to several teachers and careers advisers, and spoken to English and Japanese people on other forums. At the moment, he isn't able to go to places on his own unless it has been researched and everything has been talked through with him. Hopefully, this will improve as he gets older and he will gain confidence.
The impression was based on your own post, however, if that impression was wrong I withdraw it. As for loving too much, where a parent smothers their child and doesn't let a child develop then yes they can be seen to be loving their child too much. This is where things become tricky, as if as a parent one always helps a child when they get stuck then the child never learns to try properly, and the same thing can be true of adults. I had an old boss that didn't mind answering questions, but would only answer the question if you had an answer to it that you could explain the logic of, if it was wrong that did not matter and he would patiently explain why it was wrong and what the correct answer was. Personally, admittedly sometimes to her frustration, I use the same technique with my own daughter and have alway used it when mentoring other engineers. What I was trying to suggest was something along those lines, even if it has to be broken down into smaller pieces, but that he has to do it but you let him know that you will help him with each step if he needs it but he has to try and find the solution himself first. So "what are the steps you need to take?" and you don't help him with the map until he has at least tried to map them out. Yes it can be hard to watch someone struggle, but ultimately they will learn from it and if they want it enough they will overcome their difficulties. All of us on here have done that through our lives, whether Aspergerian or neurotypical or from the planet oz, we have all overcome obstacles and we have done that by having to do it rather than being able to always turn to someone for help.