A rabbit stuck in the gas-light

Firstly, apologies for being a wobbling elephant. Think of the circus animal trying to balance on a ball...

It has been a rough couple of days (and months) which has resulted of an escalating sense of loss of self and I am currently on a low ebb and rather afeared as I dont know how bad things are going to get.

So, that is the rabbit.... and here is the gaslight..

"..Some Spectrum girls (sic) will begin to experience meltdowns due to not being able to escape either the sensory or the emotional pressures that surround them.

Often these meltdowns will mistakenly be viewed as deliberate acts of rebellion and punished accordingly.

Some spectrum girls (sic), on the other hand, will set their minds to the task of trying to figure out exactly what the new rules of engagement are in order to seek out any loopholes that may still allow them to continue to pursue their own interests without falling foul of their peers.

This is often a process of trial and error which still has the potential to attract punishment for any and all inadvertent social infractions.

Yet no matter which option an undiagnosed girl (sic) chooses the consequence all tend to lead to the same experience of psychological harm.

Psychological harms experienced include:

  • An extreme sense of personal disorientation
  • Confusion over what has taken place.
  • Erosion of their formerly strong sense of self.
  • Self-doubt.
  • The onset of the belief that being different is equivalent to being wrong.
  • Creation of the belief that no one will ever like them for whom and how they truly are.
  • Acceptance of the idea that they cannot be themselves and still be liked.

The combination of all of these psychological harms explains the overwhelming sense of social confusion, lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence and the propensity for self-doubt that many (both diagnosed and undiagnosed) adult Autistic women report experiencing.

It is worth noting that all of the negative messages that undiagnosed Autistic girls/women experience whilst growing up, produce the same responses that one would expect to find in an individual who has been the victim of prolonged emotional and psychological manipulation or abuse.

Another term that has more recently been applied to describe the way in which this form of emotional and psychological manipulation can be subtly delivered is Gas-lighting.

Gas-lighting is renowned for creating a sense of personal disorientation and self-doubt in those to whom it is applied."

full article: https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/the-gas-lighting-of-women-and-girls-on-the-autism-spectrum/

Those familiar with my online witterings will know that things are particularly pressurised and challenging at the moment and I feel very low and vulnerable and lacking agency.  My meltdown last week was due to feeling unable to "perform" to NTs and not being able to articulate myself very well on here. So felt I belonged nowhere, or conversely needed to 'sort myself out first" and then come back when "better".

I am not "better" - (you have been warned). But there is no understanding from the offline world when i reach out to them.

""And now, Master Harker, now that the Wolves are Running, perhaps you could do something to stop their Bite?" The Box of Delights

Has anyone else has felt or experienced similar? Any advice? 

Keeping a low profile...but thank you.x

Parents
  • Hi Ellie,

    Sorry for not paying attention recently. 

    Sounds like you are scrabbling for an anchor. 

    What are your values?

  • Hi DongFeng5

    I'm just at my wits end! I'm 43 years old and have had a lifetime so far providing for others.  I continually negate myself and my needs to provide for others.  The gaslighting reference is in reference to that notion that I don't fit in or am worthy so I seek self worth in providing for others but that in turn has meant a continual negation of self.

    I guess I keep hoping (to quote Ella Fitzgerald that " Tomorrow is my turn").

    I am simply not seen or acknowledged and the product of my efforts enjoyed by others and there does not seem to be any acknowledgement of how much it takes out of me or even to acknowledge the efforts that give them what they want.

    It is as if I simply do not exist as a person.

    I am self-diagnosed and have an OH who is well within his ability to at least take on board what I have been saying about how my aspie self impacts upon me.  He won't bother to read the articles, videos etc that I send his way to read or view. Maybe because he does not associate me with being a person in my own right or that he hopes it will blow over (it hasn't yet). Or maybe it is not important as long as his needs are met?

    At present my OH is in hospital following emergency spinal surgery (three months in and likely another 5/6 weeks to go). Regardless of the Aspie stuff his family knows that his situation is a big thing, my father emails for updates on him and sends get well cards but again I seem to be negated like I don't exist.

    I am the breadwinner, I pay the bills, I care for my son, but I am not allowed friends, nor social life, no consideration of what I might like to do, or what I might need. I am micromanaged and that also adds to the lack of agency and negation of myself as an individual.

    I am told that I am needed "more than ever" - but there is very little left to give.  Yesterday I was in tears (I had the house to myself and could let the mask drop) and was very down. Even telling my OH last night that I was scared and worried for my own welfare and mental health met on deaf ears? Can you imagine how I felt? 

    I am not a bad person. I enjoy quiet pleasures such as nature and reading but I am negated the opportunity to do what I want to do.  Does everything have to be stacked up on a post-retirement bucket list? The simple things that everyone else seems freely able to enjoy?

    • If I can offer support and knowledge/advice I will - but why is it not reciprocated offline by those who "say they care?"
    • When I need help why do I need to look at finding some external psychological support (and potentially at cost) because people negate or shrug their shoulders when I directly ask for help?
    • I am a humanist and see see others needed support or consoling - am I not human?

    Is my time of usefulness at and end, so if I hop off this mortal call, then, hey ho... time to get someone else in? Is that feeling of being invisible quite normal?

    Very unhappy :( 

  • I know, Ellie.

    It very much sounds like you are in an existential tail-spin. You seem to be saying that you don't know who you are, really. 

    So, I'm asking you again - what are YOUR values?

    (Could be dunking chocolate bourbons in lager, if you like... the choice is yours!)

    You don't have to list them here, but I challenge you to enumerate your values to yourself. 

    What really matters to you? What do you truly hold dear?

    This is who you really are. Live your values, not someone else's. 

  • DongFeng5, Thank you for the time and consideration spent on your reply. It is much appreciated. 

    In terms of point 1 - I am giving much thought to the key things that keep me level and are in line with my values. There needs greater time to be afforded to these things. One cannot support ourselves and others if our own self is not nurtured.

    Item 3 is also very much relevant in that if there is greater responsibilities required of me then conversely greater weight needs to be given for time to have time to be who I need to be. This has to be on my terms and not in an NT setting. This community has facilitated the opportunity to express myself with like wired souls. It also pays for me to spend time with kinder and more understanding folk in order to regain some balance and self acceptance.

    The above paragraph kind of helps answer point 2, There are many thinks that I would like to be able to do, experience. I need to read more as this helps me regularly frame and regulate my thoughts and conversely self expression. That is a constant.

    best wishes and thank you. 

Reply
  • DongFeng5, Thank you for the time and consideration spent on your reply. It is much appreciated. 

    In terms of point 1 - I am giving much thought to the key things that keep me level and are in line with my values. There needs greater time to be afforded to these things. One cannot support ourselves and others if our own self is not nurtured.

    Item 3 is also very much relevant in that if there is greater responsibilities required of me then conversely greater weight needs to be given for time to have time to be who I need to be. This has to be on my terms and not in an NT setting. This community has facilitated the opportunity to express myself with like wired souls. It also pays for me to spend time with kinder and more understanding folk in order to regain some balance and self acceptance.

    The above paragraph kind of helps answer point 2, There are many thinks that I would like to be able to do, experience. I need to read more as this helps me regularly frame and regulate my thoughts and conversely self expression. That is a constant.

    best wishes and thank you. 

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