A rabbit stuck in the gas-light

Firstly, apologies for being a wobbling elephant. Think of the circus animal trying to balance on a ball...

It has been a rough couple of days (and months) which has resulted of an escalating sense of loss of self and I am currently on a low ebb and rather afeared as I dont know how bad things are going to get.

So, that is the rabbit.... and here is the gaslight..

"..Some Spectrum girls (sic) will begin to experience meltdowns due to not being able to escape either the sensory or the emotional pressures that surround them.

Often these meltdowns will mistakenly be viewed as deliberate acts of rebellion and punished accordingly.

Some spectrum girls (sic), on the other hand, will set their minds to the task of trying to figure out exactly what the new rules of engagement are in order to seek out any loopholes that may still allow them to continue to pursue their own interests without falling foul of their peers.

This is often a process of trial and error which still has the potential to attract punishment for any and all inadvertent social infractions.

Yet no matter which option an undiagnosed girl (sic) chooses the consequence all tend to lead to the same experience of psychological harm.

Psychological harms experienced include:

  • An extreme sense of personal disorientation
  • Confusion over what has taken place.
  • Erosion of their formerly strong sense of self.
  • Self-doubt.
  • The onset of the belief that being different is equivalent to being wrong.
  • Creation of the belief that no one will ever like them for whom and how they truly are.
  • Acceptance of the idea that they cannot be themselves and still be liked.

The combination of all of these psychological harms explains the overwhelming sense of social confusion, lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence and the propensity for self-doubt that many (both diagnosed and undiagnosed) adult Autistic women report experiencing.

It is worth noting that all of the negative messages that undiagnosed Autistic girls/women experience whilst growing up, produce the same responses that one would expect to find in an individual who has been the victim of prolonged emotional and psychological manipulation or abuse.

Another term that has more recently been applied to describe the way in which this form of emotional and psychological manipulation can be subtly delivered is Gas-lighting.

Gas-lighting is renowned for creating a sense of personal disorientation and self-doubt in those to whom it is applied."

full article: https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/the-gas-lighting-of-women-and-girls-on-the-autism-spectrum/

Those familiar with my online witterings will know that things are particularly pressurised and challenging at the moment and I feel very low and vulnerable and lacking agency.  My meltdown last week was due to feeling unable to "perform" to NTs and not being able to articulate myself very well on here. So felt I belonged nowhere, or conversely needed to 'sort myself out first" and then come back when "better".

I am not "better" - (you have been warned). But there is no understanding from the offline world when i reach out to them.

""And now, Master Harker, now that the Wolves are Running, perhaps you could do something to stop their Bite?" The Box of Delights

Has anyone else has felt or experienced similar? Any advice? 

Keeping a low profile...but thank you.x

Parents
  • Hi Ellie,

    Even though I am male, that article could easily have been describing me, especially the list of bullet points in the middle about the perception of self. As I have described in answer to one of your previous posts, I don't believe that the difference between males & females on the Autistic Spectrum are that clear cut. Certain traits are much more likely to appear in one gender rather than the other, but I don't believe that these are in any way definitively male or female.

    Not sure if I have ever experienced a meltdown, but I do have anger management issues that are mostly under control. My anger is only ever expressed verbally though, as the circuit in my head seems to consider physical manifestations of anger as pointless & irrational.

    My biggest problem has always been my perception of self, principally due to the bullet points in your original post being the template for my shift into adulthood. At school I was horribly bullied for many years, which burned all of those points into my head so much that after I finally escaped that environment, I openly embraced the idea of being a chameleon.

    After forty years of adapting my identity to new social groupings though, I only seem to have a strong sense of self around other people & find being on my own for extended periods of time very difficult as I just feel like a mass of self loathing & self recrimination rather than a coherent person.

    Case in point, I have been badly depressed for many years & unresponsive to medication or Psychotherapy (it was actually my Psychotherapist who recommended that I have an ASD test). A month ago, I made a new friend at one of the support groups I attend, who has had a profound positive effect on my identity. Every so often I meet someone who my sub-conscious seems to recognise as a positive template & I find myself absorbing large parts of their personality.

    I have experienced this before & it seems to last while the other person is present in my life, but can easily dissipate if circumstances change & they are no longer around. It's really hard to describe what it's like to feel the inside of your head shifting in reponse to the presence of certain people. This isn't so much a 'Mask' as an 'Avatar', I'm not pretending to be something I am not, it's more like I can feel my head realign into something subtly different.

    Whenever I describe this to people they always say that I shouldn't try to change myself for their benefit & that I should just be myself. This isn't something I can control though & as far as I am concerned, I am being myself, it's just that my sense of self isn't a constant.

    I have tried to research this over the internet & found a couple of old forum entries in the USA of another guy on the Autistic Spectrum with very similar experiences, but still not sure what it means or how to stabilise my mental health.

Reply
  • Hi Ellie,

    Even though I am male, that article could easily have been describing me, especially the list of bullet points in the middle about the perception of self. As I have described in answer to one of your previous posts, I don't believe that the difference between males & females on the Autistic Spectrum are that clear cut. Certain traits are much more likely to appear in one gender rather than the other, but I don't believe that these are in any way definitively male or female.

    Not sure if I have ever experienced a meltdown, but I do have anger management issues that are mostly under control. My anger is only ever expressed verbally though, as the circuit in my head seems to consider physical manifestations of anger as pointless & irrational.

    My biggest problem has always been my perception of self, principally due to the bullet points in your original post being the template for my shift into adulthood. At school I was horribly bullied for many years, which burned all of those points into my head so much that after I finally escaped that environment, I openly embraced the idea of being a chameleon.

    After forty years of adapting my identity to new social groupings though, I only seem to have a strong sense of self around other people & find being on my own for extended periods of time very difficult as I just feel like a mass of self loathing & self recrimination rather than a coherent person.

    Case in point, I have been badly depressed for many years & unresponsive to medication or Psychotherapy (it was actually my Psychotherapist who recommended that I have an ASD test). A month ago, I made a new friend at one of the support groups I attend, who has had a profound positive effect on my identity. Every so often I meet someone who my sub-conscious seems to recognise as a positive template & I find myself absorbing large parts of their personality.

    I have experienced this before & it seems to last while the other person is present in my life, but can easily dissipate if circumstances change & they are no longer around. It's really hard to describe what it's like to feel the inside of your head shifting in reponse to the presence of certain people. This isn't so much a 'Mask' as an 'Avatar', I'm not pretending to be something I am not, it's more like I can feel my head realign into something subtly different.

    Whenever I describe this to people they always say that I shouldn't try to change myself for their benefit & that I should just be myself. This isn't something I can control though & as far as I am concerned, I am being myself, it's just that my sense of self isn't a constant.

    I have tried to research this over the internet & found a couple of old forum entries in the USA of another guy on the Autistic Spectrum with very similar experiences, but still not sure what it means or how to stabilise my mental health.

Children
  • as far as I am concerned, I am being myself, it's just that my sense of self isn't a constant.

    That's a really interesting point.  Is that due to yourself changing to suit each different circumstance and audience or the self changes in response/reaction to your encounters?

    only seem to have a strong sense of self around other people & find being on my own for extended periods of time very difficult as I just feel like a mass of self loathing & self recrimination rather than a coherent person.

    Self loathing and self recrimination are strong emotions a huge respect to you for admitting that this is how you can feel at times.  I am sure that you have many positive attributes - can you not see and identify those?

  • Hi Pirate Santa

    I agree that the article fits all folk and is not gender specific I just found I identified with it a great deal.

    yes years of never being perceived as not quite “good enough” or not fitting in can take their toll. I think it is more damaging to try and shape shift into other people’s wants.

    i have also found that I get purposefully put on the back foot to keep me in a more vulnerable and insecure place.

    Ellie