Firstly, apologies for being a wobbling elephant. Think of the circus animal trying to balance on a ball...
It has been a rough couple of days (and months) which has resulted of an escalating sense of loss of self and I am currently on a low ebb and rather afeared as I dont know how bad things are going to get.
So, that is the rabbit.... and here is the gaslight..
"..Some Spectrum girls (sic) will begin to experience meltdowns due to not being able to escape either the sensory or the emotional pressures that surround them.
Often these meltdowns will mistakenly be viewed as deliberate acts of rebellion and punished accordingly.
Some spectrum girls (sic), on the other hand, will set their minds to the task of trying to figure out exactly what the new rules of engagement are in order to seek out any loopholes that may still allow them to continue to pursue their own interests without falling foul of their peers.
This is often a process of trial and error which still has the potential to attract punishment for any and all inadvertent social infractions.
Yet no matter which option an undiagnosed girl (sic) chooses the consequence all tend to lead to the same experience of psychological harm.
Psychological harms experienced include:
- An extreme sense of personal disorientation
- Confusion over what has taken place.
- Erosion of their formerly strong sense of self.
- Self-doubt.
- The onset of the belief that being different is equivalent to being wrong.
- Creation of the belief that no one will ever like them for whom and how they truly are.
- Acceptance of the idea that they cannot be themselves and still be liked.
The combination of all of these psychological harms explains the overwhelming sense of social confusion, lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence and the propensity for self-doubt that many (both diagnosed and undiagnosed) adult Autistic women report experiencing.
It is worth noting that all of the negative messages that undiagnosed Autistic girls/women experience whilst growing up, produce the same responses that one would expect to find in an individual who has been the victim of prolonged emotional and psychological manipulation or abuse.
Another term that has more recently been applied to describe the way in which this form of emotional and psychological manipulation can be subtly delivered is Gas-lighting.
Gas-lighting is renowned for creating a sense of personal disorientation and self-doubt in those to whom it is applied."
full article: https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/the-gas-lighting-of-women-and-girls-on-the-autism-spectrum/
Those familiar with my online witterings will know that things are particularly pressurised and challenging at the moment and I feel very low and vulnerable and lacking agency. My meltdown last week was due to feeling unable to "perform" to NTs and not being able to articulate myself very well on here. So felt I belonged nowhere, or conversely needed to 'sort myself out first" and then come back when "better".
I am not "better" - (you have been warned). But there is no understanding from the offline world when i reach out to them.
""And now, Master Harker, now that the Wolves are Running, perhaps you could do something to stop their Bite?" The Box of Delights
Has anyone else has felt or experienced similar? Any advice?
Keeping a low profile...but thank you.x