Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi - I'm completely new here, so please bear with me. I have been married for nearly 40 years, during which time I have suffered what feels like mental abuse from my husband. It's too long a story to go in to, but basically he is like a puppet with other people pulling the strings. He will do anything people tell him, no matter what the consequences for me or our marriage. He has no empathy what so ever for how I feel, and the only emotions he shows are anger and misery. I have suffered badly with depression and suicidal feelings, but he does nothing, not a kind word or trying to give me a nice day. He is now on Sertraline to try to control his temper, but until then would have tantrums like a toddler, with waving arms and legs. He doesn't do eye contact, doesn't get jokes, he makes statements rather than conversation, he can't, or won't organise anything, and takes everything literally. However important the conversation I try to have with him, he starts nodding off, or gets distracted, or sits looking away with arms folded and ears and jaw twitching. I have had to make him leave, as he once again broke an important promise, and my heart and mind can't take any more. I feel that if I was sure that he couldn't help it, I could cope more, but I don't understand how he can care about hurting the people who manipulate him, but not care about my feelings.I care for my father who has Alzheimers, then come home to this.
. I suspected a few years ago he has some sort of autism, and he was referred to IAPT. I went with him on the first visit, as requested, and voiced my concerns, but that's as far as it went. I got him to do the online ASD test, and he scored 40 out of 50. He has again seen a doctor, but, from what I can gather from him, they are referring him to IAPT again. Sorry about the long post, I'm not really sure what I need. I just know how bad I feel, and that my marriage can't continue the way it is.
Hi NAS38399, what you are describing is the situation according to your perspective, according to how you feel right now. This is a valid perspective but it’s only one perspective, and I can guarantee you that it is not how your husband sees things.
Several years ago I had a client, with a 40 odd year old autistic son. She had dementia and had a habit of finding herself laying on the floor where she would lay for hours. There were benefits to her doing this that everybody else was unaware of and one morning she did it and her son simply stepped over her and went to ‘work’ (a day centre for people with disabilities) as he always did. People were up in arms and tried to have the man put into residential care. I got involved, even though ‘officially’ he wasn’t my client but this was in the Isle of Man where I could get away with it. I stopped them making arrangements for him to go, against his will, into a residential care home. What he did was the best thing he could do at that time and the only thing he knew how to do. He simply went to work as he always did. His mother was perfectly alright and there was no need to jump to such drastic conclusions. I got the man the help he needed and he stepped into his new role of taking more responsibility for caring for himself remarkably well and even his family who lived off the island were surprised at his new found abilities.
What I’m trying to say, is that it’s clear to me (because I’m autistic and because of my life experiences), that your husband is struggling to cope with all the changes. Meaning, because of all you have done so far, for him and for your relationship, you are no longer able to continue to provide the level of support you have previously provided and that’s a huge huge change in his life. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, far from it, but he simply cannot process all these changes and do things differently, without help. It’s clear to you, me and probably every other person that reads this, that your husband should now up his game and not only take more responsibility at home, but also to now provide you with the love and support that you need. But the truth is. He doesn’t know how to, even if he is aware that this is now required of him. He doesn’t know what to do and when we’re hanging on a shoe string, we revert to what we can control. Which for me, for the past 18 months has been to simply shut out the world and sleep and watch black and white movies. My dad survived stomach cancer after they took away his stomach and now he has just completed chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment for what they say is incurable lymph cancer. I can’t even acknowledge that because of my current situation and I have no doubts that people will be saying I don’t care about him because I’m not providing any support or spending much time with him. But they couldn’t be further from the truth. However, I won’t tell them that. I don’t have that energy available to me. When we are shutting down, just like everybody really, we start seeming to loose certain abilities and we go deeper into ourselves, thereby making it look like we care even less and like we’re less able than ever before.
You both need help. It’s almost like my own situation. I did so well at coping that I drove myself to the gates of insanity. I knew I was doing it but I didn’t know what else to do, so I carried on. Until eventually, I literally couldn’t carry on.
It’s essential that you both get the right support. As some kind of starting point, apart from seeking a diagnosis, you could reach out to relate, the relationship people. They’re experienced at working with couples where one of them is on the spectrum. Here is a link to their website https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling
Things are rarely as they seem and trust me, your husband does not see the situation from the perspective that you have expressed here to us. And just because you are no longer able to do certain things for him, it doesn’t mean that he can suddenly automatically do them. I wish you both the best and relate won’t work to help you stay together or spilt up, but they can provide some valuable support right now while your husband gets the support he needs and you get the support you need, or whatever you need. My heart goes out to you both. Try not to judge your husband for his actions, he’s doing the best he can, as I know that you are.
Thank you for your open and honest post. I agree with what you say, that he has a totally different perspective, and he says he doesn't know what to do, but when I specifically ask him to maybe think of somewhere nice to go and surprise me with it, or to try to talk to me, instead of monosyllabic answers, nothing happens. I have given him over two years to show me some sort of support since I first told him I was suicidal. I haven't expected him to suddenly automatically do it, although I admit I do find it difficult to understand how he automatically supports the people who have manipulated him, but can't do it for me. We went to Relate many moons ago, where he described himself as a little flower, and told them that he had to look after me as I had mobility problems at the time. In reality I was still working, doing all the housework and cooking, and getting him out of the frequent scrapes he was getting in to,and he was so distracted that he would forget about me and walk away and leave me unable to walk without support on a regular basis. I have really tried to understand, hence my joining this forum, but the bit about being there for some people but not me is beyond me
Also, just because you’ve tried relate once, doesn’t mean it won’t work this time. If you go to your favourite restaurant and find you didn’t enjoy the food as much as usual, would that mean you would never go there again? Or that you would never eat out at a restaurant again? Maybe it won’t work but maybe it will. You will never know until you try and it’s an option amongst few at the moment, to help you get some kind of grip on it all.
BlueRay I really appreciate your point of view. It's good to hear it from the other side. He won't or can't explain anything or say how he feels or what he thinks.