Turning down parties

How do you guys go about turning down parties? I can't deal with big social events at all and avoid them like the plague for a variety of reasons (anxious amongst lots of people, will not dress up for going out, hardly like any food so meals are a problem, noise, can't deal with all the conversations). I don't really like to explain this to people especially as I'm not diagnosed so I can't even give that as a reason. I usually go with distance or money. There is a party being organised for work at the moment and several people are trying to persuade me to go. I find these conversations very difficult and they keep coming up with solutions to my reasons for not going. How would other people deal with this?

Parents
  • I'm sometimes OK with parties for a limited time but then usually either get stressed, overwhelmed or bored (or a combination of all 3) In the past I've always got around this by having something important to get up for early the following morning as an excuse for leaving early. If you explain this when you get there then its generally more acceptable to the NTs. I have just disappeared from social events in the past but I don't like doing it as I always worry about it afterwards. Since being diagnosed 7 months ago I've not been invited to any parties anyway, but I haven't 'come out' as an aspie yet anyway except too a select few so not sure if I'd tell people the truth or not at the mo, but probably not as most people don't seem to get it anyway.

  • The anxiety that would be involved with going just would not be worth it. Even for a short time. I tend to assume people won't get it if I'm truthful. I may be being harsh but I tried to explain this to a friend for her 30th (which I did go to for about an hour as I felt it was right to go for a birthday and it wasn't a huge party) but she just replied "well how can you not like going to a bar". I don't find people understand my quirks. They just think it's odd.

Reply
  • The anxiety that would be involved with going just would not be worth it. Even for a short time. I tend to assume people won't get it if I'm truthful. I may be being harsh but I tried to explain this to a friend for her 30th (which I did go to for about an hour as I felt it was right to go for a birthday and it wasn't a huge party) but she just replied "well how can you not like going to a bar". I don't find people understand my quirks. They just think it's odd.

Children
  • Yeah, that’s it. I think we’re very lucky that there are nt people who get it, at least enough to truly support us and appreciate how much it means to us, I just wonder if they really get it, at that deeper level. Not that it matters, I just have a very inquisitive and curious mind :) 

  • there will be different levels of 'getting it' I guess... but I think know what you are getting at...that it will never be quite the same as actually experiencing it

  • Yeah, he came to mind as I was writing my comment although I do wonder about him! Lol! He has got an aspie son, afterall, but either way, yeah, I reckon he totally gets it. I’d put money on my support worker getting it as well but I’m not sure they can truly appreciate it, but maybe they can, who knows Thinking they’re probably in the minority though if they do get it. 

  • Why do you want people to ‘get it’ and do you think it’s even possible for an nt person to understand an autistic person? 

    If I'm not mistaken Tony Attwood is NT, I think he gets it.

  • Isn’t everybody different? 

  • I'm practically asexual now.  To me, the disadvantages of being in a close, sexual relationship with someone far outweigh the advantages.

    I'm the same with hugs and touching.  We have a couple of 'huggy' people at work.  I've made it clear that I don't 'do' hugs and people seem to accept that.

    Many of these discussions can wander off at tangents - related, or unrelated!  I think I infuriate many people because my head doesn't work in a linear way.  So, if a thought occurs to me along the way, off I go with that thought.  Some guys at work were having a chat about football in the week (a favourite topic of conversation with the males there) and they were talking about the levels of talent in the England team.  One of them then started on about Wayne Rooney and his misdemeanours - and the problems with giving a lot of money to a young man.  I then pitched in about an interview I'd read in Rolling Stone, about the financial travails of Johnny Depp.  I carried on for ages with it.  When I finished, someone said 'Anyway... coming back to Wayne Rooney and football...'  Oop!!

  • I think you have explained that very well. I am certainly different. There have been occasions where my sexuality has been questioned because I have little interest in being in a relationship with someone. And others where I've been called harsh because I've backed away from a hug. It baffles me that my behaviour in these situations is apparently unacceptable but others speaking to me like that is. Bit off topic from my original post but seemed relevant to your reply.

  • I think it's about showing respect for difference.  Many people simply struggle to understand 'difference' of any kind.  My brother is an example.  He's always grumping about 'people with pink hair', 'gays', etc.  He doesn't understand autism at all and doesn't seem to want to.  He has his own standard to which all 'sane' people should adhere.  He's extremely reactionary.  Perhaps, in some ways, it's a natural thing that's programmed into humans: suspicion, or even fear, of anything that doesn't measure up to one's own expectations, conditioning, cultural norms.

    I find it very hard to put myself in the shoes of another person.  I struggle to understand other people's emotional responses.  At the same time, I'm aware of the differences between us, and I therefore do my best to respect those differences.  I don't know what it must be like to be homosexual, but I accept that many people are homosexual and I have no problems with that.  I accept people on their own terms - as long as they accept me on mine.  Similarly, I find it difficult to comprehend a religious mindset - especially if taken to extremes.  Again, though, I'm happy to accept that many people are religious.  (I do object, though, to the need to accord special privileges to them - and I want to be respected for my atheism).

    It seems ironic to me that we Aspies, who are supposed to be lacking in empathy, are actually - in general - more switched on to these things.  Maybe it's because many of us know, through experience, what it's like to be in a minority (or feel like we are), and to be treated as 'not one of the crowd.'  Therefore, it makes us sensitive to the experiences of other similar minority groups and persecuted groups.  Which isn't to say that NTs aren't also sensitive. 

    A big part of the problem is the way views are conditioned in our culture.  We're expected to be social, gregarious animals.  Those of us who aren't are seen as somehow 'lacking'.  And then it all gets enforced in various ways by the media, and the perception of 'loners', 'misfits', etc.  Quite often, when someone commits an atrocity, you'll hear some kind of connection with mental health, autism (as in the Toronto attack earlier in the year), and so on.

  • Why do you want people to ‘get it’ and do you think it’s even possible for an nt person to understand an autistic person? 

    My sister was horrified when I said I wasn’t going to my son’s surprise masquerade ball party for his 30th birthday but at least when it came to saying I wasn’t going to her daughter’s wedding she already had me down as some kind of selfish piece of s**t so it wasn’t as shocking for her and it made it much easier for me to turn her down ~ not that I find it difficult to do that anymore, since I simply decided to start telling the truth. Afterall, what can I expect from others when all I’m doing is telling lies instead of telling the truth about myself?