Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I currently feel as though I am living in two worlds, and am not sure whether this is my ASD, something everyone does, or just something completely different and I would really like to know if other people also do this.
When I am alone, usually in my bedroom but also at other times, I have conversations with people who I know in my 'real world'. These conversations can be spoken out loud or in my head and can be practising for a meeting or interaction I will have with them in the future (like answering questions I think they might ask), thinking about what went wrong in a conversation/interaction I've had with them previously, or because I need to share feelings or something that has happened. This imaginary world includes only people who I like, see often and have some trust in and I know that they are not really there. It sort of feels like like a safer version of the real world, and I hate having to come out of it and back into reality. In this imaginary world, when I am talking about feelings, they are often things that I would not be able tell the real person, but still feel calmer having imagined speaking with them about it. I currently feel very out of place in the real world, and feel like it is collapsing and out of control. Whenever I have to do something for real, like go to work or an appointment, I feel extremely anxious and as though the real world is dragging me across the most painful floor ever made so I am wondering whether this might be a way for my brain to cope with pressure and stress. I am a very reluctant participator of the real world and I wonder whether my increasing withdrawal from what is happening in reality into a world that just includes people I trust and like might just be a coping mechanism or a way to have some control and feel a little bit safer.
I do not do this all the time and also engage with my interests, so maybe it's just another tool my brain uses, but do it at least once a day. I am currently working with someone to understand my emotions and brain a bit better and I kind of want to tell her, but I am not sure whether it would be a good idea. Especially as she is one of the people I imagine talking to and also because I think I quite like having somewhere safe to practice and talk safely.
I feel like it is very difficult to explain exactly, but it is something that is happening more and I would be very happy to hear whether other people with ASD have similar experiences to this. Thanks.
I do this all the time! This is the first time I've been active on this forum. Your post stood out to me because, as I said this is something I've always done and never told anyone. I really identify with this.
I often act out what I wish I'd said in a past conversation or what I would like to say in the future if I were ever able to think clearly in any social situation! I find it helps me get rid of anxieties and understand my thoughts about whatever the situation is or was that I am acting out in my second private world. So, yes I think for me it is a coping mechanism and gives me control that I didn't have when it happened for real. Of course this can get very frustrating because I know that it isn't real and I feel so sad that I just can't be how I want to be or act how I want to or say the things to people that I want to be able to say to them in real life. But for some reason I think I usually feel better after having done it. Maybe it's just getting things out of my jumbled up head and into words that helps me understand better.
I'm not really saying anything here that you haven't already said! Sorry not to offer advice or support. It's so nice to hear about someone doing a similar thing that I always kept private. Thank you for sharing.
I should point out, I'm not currently diagnosed. Is this a common symptom (if symptom is the right word for it)?
Thanks
Hello Zosh
Thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you mean, especially about it giving you control and that it's frustrating we can't do it for real! Sometimes it makes me feel a bit more lonely when I have genuinely tried to take part in a conversation but have said or done something that "regular" people don't do, then I spend ages replaying it on my own. Like you, I am quite new to this forum and I like discovering that there are actually a lot of people who are like me, so I am relieved not to be alone with it :)
I do not know whether this is a common symptom of ASD, but after BlueRay's reply I am considering asking my support worker when I see her on Wednesday- she's a specialist for ASD so hopefully she'll understand and not think it's unusual. I feel as though it might well be part of ASD because it relates a lot to wanting to get social situations correct. If you do not have a diagnosis but you think you have it I would say it's definitely worth getting tested!
Yes, that resonating soul slap when you realise that you really don’t fit and why you even tried and will try again and fall short.
Yesterday my dad and his wife visited and they spent hours talking to my OH (all NT)..., I had the realisation then and there that not only was the conversation at a very different level to how my mind works but also in a very different gear.
NAS37595 said:Sometimes it makes me feel a bit more lonely when I have genuinely tried to take part in a conversation but have said or done something that "regular" people don't do, then I spend ages replaying it on my own.
Me too, you're not alone!