Cassandro in knots: sleep, procrastination, life purpose etc

Hi all

I mentioned I might try to get something off my chest here. I'm a bit worried that I might go on too much or ramble, or get emotional, or probably worst of all, still not be understood. So I'll try to keep this first post a reasonable length. Although as I hope to explain, that may mean that I go on for ten pages.

Where to begin? And then where to go? Well, there's so much jumbled up, different ways of seeing things: focusorganisationsatisfactionselfdisciplineselfawarenesscuriosityheadacheplanningachievementmotivationintroversionrelectionattentiondepresionobsessionsleepmissingmeaningfatigueisolationlaziness

And that's just part of it. Maybe sleep, then. I'd said only a few months ago that my sleep was normal. But the last few weeks the pattern has been intending to get to bed 10-10.30 and read, often staying up past midnight, get to sleep immediately, wake up at 3am, can't get back to sleep again, feel very tired, mess around a bit trying to relax, microsleeps, try to snooze, get a few minutes, restless again, get absorbed in something online by the morning, then something else, still hoping to catch up on sleep and nodding off, put off what I was meaning to do because I'm not feeling energetic enough and I'm not really thinking about it as immersed in finding something out and digesting it, most of the day's suddenly gone, get frustrated, try to do one basic thing, intend to get to bed 10-10.30, repeat.

It seems that my brain doesn't really shut off, although I have tried meditation (running while just accepting sensations seems to work better). It always has to probe and assess and conclude and often comes up with sensible plans. But actually carrying out those plans can get put off for weeks or not happen at all. What's the point of a to-do list when I seem unable to force myself to get started? And sleep makes things worse. It's like the curiosity is there all the time, but any sensible motivation to do the washing or ring the bank or act on one of my ideas is much reduced. That's kind of expected when you're tired, but shouldn't the dratted mental processing give up as well? Can't I just watch a crap film? No, I just think about how crap it is (Sicario 2 not recommended: if you're interested wait for it on TV with subtitles).

So, is there anything I can do about the sleep? Could it be worse this time of year because of the early dawn? I'm not sure, I can't tell. Maybe I should get heavier drapes for my bedroom, but that's another thing I've been putting off, as has registering with a GP. Could it be depression causing early waking? Well, I don't currently feel anywhere near as depressed as I have, but then one of the main virtues of this diagnosis has been not feeling obliged to feel anything. It's autism meaning something affecting my ability to connect to people, but with main features being 'alexithymia' (not knowing what you're feeling) and poor 'executive function' (getting stuff done). It's not that I don't understand feelings, it's that unless very depressed I can override or ignore them and usually do. They're secondary to a rational understanding. This is why I have problems with 'How are you?', and maybe have problems just making friends by liking people, being fundamentally convinced I should really like everyone. It also makes it hard to make decisions. Given what someone else wants, or somehow getting committed to a task, I can work out how to do it (so it's not executive dysfunction in that respect, it's more 'autistic catatonia'). But faced with having to have a preference, I'm consumed by the future of the planet in millions of years. My usual tricks for decisions include: a quick pro-con, if I can think of two reasonable-sounding causes for action, I take a particular path; or I try to evaluate things ethically; or both; or I flip a coin. I also try to apply myself in whatever seems the right way at the moment - if an intervention is waiting to be made, I make it. Or not if something more important-seeming comes up. But that's not great for accomplishing a daily plan, or a life plan. Most people don't have such a thing as a life plan, I'm assured. Although wouldn't it be good to share dreams?

So one day this week I just didn't go into work. I was expecting myself to. It just didn't happen. I can't explain it, and people seem to know me so well they haven't disciplined me, or have their own ideas of the reason. Maybe I'm demotivated and need a new job. I may benefit from people around trying to motivate me, and am a bit adrift in life. They say the mind is a millstone, and when it has nothing to grind, it grinds itself. Well, I spend too long on the web on sites like this, and that provides constant grist, but what for? I know I need more meaningful real-world relationships and mutual collaborations. I think it's because of my alexithymia that firstly I can't explain my own actions, secondly I'm in the habit of believing I will find the motivation soon, so put things off. Sometimes I really try to force myself to not procrastinate and knuckle down, but somehow can't. It's a very frustrating block that I can see reasons to overcome, but just end up getting stressed over my internal conflict. Maybe alexithymia means I think I intend to do honourable or useful things, but really my motivation is just to sound off and eat pizza. But people assure me I'm not lazy - when I'm started on something I'll work 12 hours or more. I just can't predict what that will be. Is trying to force myself a bad thing, because if I fail I get into bad habits of failure? You'd think I might have learned all this being more than halfway through my life, a life that doesn't seem made by choice. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I think that will do for now.

Parents
  • I have had significant problems sleeping so I know where you're coming from. The thing is that a sleeping pattern is habit forming, so if you sleep well one night, you are likely to sleep well the next, etc. You are also likely to repeat bad sleeping habits over and over. Melatonin is actually really good for establishing a good sleeping pattern, but for some reason that I cannot fathom, you can only get it with a prescription in this country. You really only need to take it for two nights and then it's easier to sleep after that, even without the melatonin. It is suspected in some circles that autistic people are not as capable of producing melatonin as other people. I suspect that being extra sensitive to light makes it harder to produce melatonin, which is released by the brain when it gets dark.

    The thing to do if you want to change a repeating pattern of bad sleeping is to force your brain to associate bed with only sleep. Go to bed only when you feel tired and if you don't fall asleep within 20 minutes, get up and go somewhere else, until you feel tired again, then repeat. Don't read in bed. Don't use a screen in bed. Any devices with screens that you use away from bed should be set to filter out blue light from sunset to sunrise at least. I have found an app for my phone that does that. and my computer already had the utility built in. Don't sleep in, even when you don't have to go to work.

    Once you have developed a good sleeping pattern for several weeks, you can ease back on some of the rules, but don't allow yourself to get into unhealthy sleeping patterns again.

    I have an app on my phone to monitor my sleep by detecting the vibrations of my movements through the mattress (I said not to use a phone but for this it's ok). It's good for trying to figure out what factors make me sleep well, and which ones cause me to sleep badly. The app detects when during my sleep cycle it is best for me to wake up and then it plays an alarm. That one feature makes me feel refreshed in the morning, even if I technically haven't actually had a very good sleep all night.

    Use an eye mask or a blackout shade to block out the morning sun. Even the tiniest bit of the blue daylight will stimulate your brain into being wide awake, so heavier drapes will not be sufficient unless they allow absolutely no light to pass. The app also shows that I wake up when the sun starts to rise (which is before the actual official sunrise time), but I don't know if it's because of the light level (it happens even when I wear an eye mask, but that doesn't block out all the light) or the birds that start chirping outside my window at an ungodly hour in the morning once they themselves wake up. Probably a combination of the two. It seems to me that I have heard the first few birds of the morning several times. It starts with just one, then another, and pretty soon all of the rest of them wake up and it's a cacophony of chirping.

    As for motivation to do things, what I do is make lists. Of course, you first need to have the motivation to make the list in the first place.... But crossing things off the list is so satisfying. There are many apps for that, or you can just use paper. Divide the tasks into smaller chunks so you're not stuck on something for hours. Believe me, I know how that is too.

    I hope that helps.

Reply
  • I have had significant problems sleeping so I know where you're coming from. The thing is that a sleeping pattern is habit forming, so if you sleep well one night, you are likely to sleep well the next, etc. You are also likely to repeat bad sleeping habits over and over. Melatonin is actually really good for establishing a good sleeping pattern, but for some reason that I cannot fathom, you can only get it with a prescription in this country. You really only need to take it for two nights and then it's easier to sleep after that, even without the melatonin. It is suspected in some circles that autistic people are not as capable of producing melatonin as other people. I suspect that being extra sensitive to light makes it harder to produce melatonin, which is released by the brain when it gets dark.

    The thing to do if you want to change a repeating pattern of bad sleeping is to force your brain to associate bed with only sleep. Go to bed only when you feel tired and if you don't fall asleep within 20 minutes, get up and go somewhere else, until you feel tired again, then repeat. Don't read in bed. Don't use a screen in bed. Any devices with screens that you use away from bed should be set to filter out blue light from sunset to sunrise at least. I have found an app for my phone that does that. and my computer already had the utility built in. Don't sleep in, even when you don't have to go to work.

    Once you have developed a good sleeping pattern for several weeks, you can ease back on some of the rules, but don't allow yourself to get into unhealthy sleeping patterns again.

    I have an app on my phone to monitor my sleep by detecting the vibrations of my movements through the mattress (I said not to use a phone but for this it's ok). It's good for trying to figure out what factors make me sleep well, and which ones cause me to sleep badly. The app detects when during my sleep cycle it is best for me to wake up and then it plays an alarm. That one feature makes me feel refreshed in the morning, even if I technically haven't actually had a very good sleep all night.

    Use an eye mask or a blackout shade to block out the morning sun. Even the tiniest bit of the blue daylight will stimulate your brain into being wide awake, so heavier drapes will not be sufficient unless they allow absolutely no light to pass. The app also shows that I wake up when the sun starts to rise (which is before the actual official sunrise time), but I don't know if it's because of the light level (it happens even when I wear an eye mask, but that doesn't block out all the light) or the birds that start chirping outside my window at an ungodly hour in the morning once they themselves wake up. Probably a combination of the two. It seems to me that I have heard the first few birds of the morning several times. It starts with just one, then another, and pretty soon all of the rest of them wake up and it's a cacophony of chirping.

    As for motivation to do things, what I do is make lists. Of course, you first need to have the motivation to make the list in the first place.... But crossing things off the list is so satisfying. There are many apps for that, or you can just use paper. Divide the tasks into smaller chunks so you're not stuck on something for hours. Believe me, I know how that is too.

    I hope that helps.

Children
  • I have suffered or benefitted from insomnia most of my life, with the former or latter categorisation being dependent on whether I actually wanted to stay awake all night at the time.

    I have read quite a lot about the whole 'Sleep Hygiene' theory (No TV in bedroom, go to bed at the same time & don't read etc), & whilst I can happily accept that it works for most people, it does nothing for me. Like many people here, my insomnia is linked to my brain not wanting to slow down & when that happens I just stay up longer & try again later, as attempts to force myself to fall asleep just seem to make me irritable & often result in not sleeping at all.

    I was interested that you mentioned Melatonin not being available in the UK, as I have also tried that following a trip to the USA about ten years ago. I actually bought a generous supply of it, in the hopes that it would allow me to sleep on those nights when I knew I needed to get up early the next day, but my brain wouldn't co-operate. Sadly it only seemed to make the problem worse, i.e. it made me feel wide awake & irritable. I even tried using higher doses than recommended on the bottle, but that didn't work either.

    Not sure why everything about my head seems to be reversed, but since I also have 'Reverse SAD' (Summer makes me depressed, Winter makes me happy), maybe it's something to do with that.

    Can't say that I am a big fan of lists either, but I know lots of people swear by them. I usually try to do several things at once rather than one at a time.

    A very long time ago, my manager at a software company asked me how I approached doing a jigsaw, he "sorted out all the edges first & then methodically worked toward the centre". When I told him that I quite often "put the edges on last, as I prefer creating multiple clusters of pieces that look interesting & then gradually expand them until they merge together", he was genuinely horrified, which made me laugh.