Published on 12, July, 2020
I perceive my brain and existence as a series of wiring trade-offs in terms of abilities. In an Aspie sense I am able to perform well in some contexts (for example, following theories, recognising patterns, lateral thinking etc) but poorly in others (such as small talk, perceiving the wants and needs of others when presented in certain ways that I can’t always read).
I am not overly clever but have been told that I can come across as aloof or arrogant and there are many articles on this particular trait in that we can come across as self interested and also narcissistic.
Maybe it is the way that I convey myself that creates the barrier?
“Aspies don't "make people uncomfortable" - remember, Aspies are people too, and they can also feel uncomfortable around people who are different to them. It isn't a one-way street from "weird" Aspies to uncomfortable "people": many people with Asperger's find the non-Aspie world weird and a source of discomfort. You could just as easily ask: What are the most common reasons why NTs (non-Aspies) unknowingly make people with Asperger's uncomfortable?Neurotypicals (NTs, i.e. non-Aspies) often feel uncomfortable around Aspies because Aspies and NTs have different styles of communication, and NTs expect Aspies to conform to their style of communication. They are not used to Aspie communication styles and do not know how to interpret it - or rather, they interpret it as though it was NT communication, and often draw very negative (and incorrect) conclusions from it.
NTs tend to use a lot of indirect, non-verbal, implied communication. They "hint" rather than state outright what they want. They expect you to know or to guess what you are supposed to do and say. And they have a lot of elaborate social and emotional ritual and they spend lots of time in social interaction just engaged in these rituals. Direct communication is often viewed as rude or arrogant.”
https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-common-reasons-why-Aspies-unknowingly-make-people-uncomfortable
Now, I’d like to think that I am a multi faceted being...so there maybe many elements of my being that cause offence!
What, for you creates the “gulf of understanding”?
Hello lovely person (Eli) and persons I haven’t read all the comments yet but I’ve made a good start. I’ll pick up from here ~
‘The thread is intended to probe this idea of are we ok and acceptable, or, is it just the way we present ourselves to others, our manner, also a possibile difficulty to be understood and explain who we are and our needs and aspirations’ ~ are we ok and acceptable?!?!? ~ who is making that decision? To me, I’m perfectly ok and acceptable but there are times when others, quite rightly, would not agree with that, particularly when I’m having a melt down because I don’t want to stand in a line in the job centre and I’m swearing and shouting!!! Lol! And I carry a card now to say I’m on the spectrum which makes me feel a lot safer.
I generally tell people within the first second of meeting them that I’m autistic and as much as I sometimes try to keep quite about a special interest, for example, I often don’t manage it and I’ll bore people to death with my special interest!
Unless a person is consciously aware/awake, they will only ever see another person through their eyes. So how they see themselves, they will see others and judge and weigh up others according to who they think they are and their life experiences. So I don’t worry anymore what others think of me because even if it’s true what they’re thinking, it’s only ever one aspect of me. I think that the way I communicate, which is often to talk ‘at’ people, reeling off info about my special subject, and my inability and refusal to do small talk, can seem like I’m very self absorbed, I suppose, but then again, my support worker recently told me that when I’m talking about one of my passions, I’m hypnotic to listen to and she enjoys listening to me. There’s a difference between how we and how nt’s communicate so unless there’s an openness on both sides, conversations won’t generally run too smoothly. Not like, for instance, when I’m with my friends at my autism group. I adore our random and weird conversations so these days that’s who I socialise with. I’ve just joined another autism group as well and that’s how I like it now. I’m creating my world around me and that means I rarely mix with nt’s these days and I feel much happier about that. It’s not that I exclude them, it’s just that we’re not on the same wave length so unless I’ve got a specific purpose for talking to someone, I generally don’t bother.
Hi blueRay just wanted to say your words,,,
“I generally tell people within the first second of meeting them that I’m autistic and as much as I sometimes try to keep quite about a special interest, for example, I often don’t manage it and I’ll bore people to death with my special interest!”.
Recently I have had occasion’s where I was asked if I was Aspergers? One was a young male who is Aspergers himself, I asked him what gave him the idea I was Aspergers to which he replied
“ well hearing you say how you would spend hours researching and writing details down, and your likes for all things no matter how strange or bizarre, and that you have decided to dress in a way that now makes you feel comfortable”.
I had met my first definite aspie, I then started asking and telling him all about me, I was like a child excited, he seemed to fully understand me, he was super cool with being aspie and said he understood it was difficult for those of us finding out so late.
He said life was good and acceptance was ok, so maybe things are better for some now,
take care.
That’s brilliant Lonewarrior, I’m really happy for you. My Friday morning autism group is beginning to be a fundamental part of my life and I’ve even joined another group as well now, or at least I nearly have.
When I’m with my group, I’m so happy. It’s so easy to be around them. We understand each other. Last week it was clear I wasn’t myself, I was exhausted and tearful so one of the women noticed and got me to sit down with her (I’m usually sat with the boys but sitting with her was immensely helpful). I was able to tell her how I was feeling and she totally understood which, it turned out, was exactly what I needed.
Just now I’ve just come back from having a coffee with one of my friends from the group as my support worker said it’s important that I keep in touch with them and she was right. I just had the best time ever. I asked my friend what his special interests were and one of them is watching old footage of black and white football games. I mean, come on, how frigging interesting is that!!! That makes me smile from the inside out. I adore the conversations I have with my autistic friends. I love how innocent we are. How utterly honest and kind we are and how we explain things so clearly. I no longer feel the need to fit in with nt’s, I’ve got my own group now, my own tribe, my own people, and I couldn’t be happier. We’ve started to go out once a month for a meal together and I really enjoy that too. I can just be myself and just being around others like me is all I need in life. My life is complete.
I’ve also got a one to one specialist autism worker now and she’s helping me to work on the basics of every day life such as eating and drinking regularly and now I’ve got that support, everything feels less urgent and the years of trying to fit in have faded into the background. Now, people either fit in to my way of being or they are no longer in my life because never again will I compromise myself. Today I met my work coache’s manager (at the job centre) because my work coach apparently wrote an article about me called a good news story. She’s been so helpful to me when she could have banned me from the job centre. I nearly caused a lock down situation in there last week when I started kicking off because there was a que and I didn’t want to stand in it. I told her on my first day there that I would rather rip my own guts out, eat them, then kill myself than get a job and instead of saying I had to get a job, she took the time to find out what help I needed and she got it for me. She arranged for me to have my first support worker and now the specialist autism worker as it was clear that my first worker could only take me so far due to her limited understanding of autism. She didn’t know what to do with me but that’s all been resolved now and I’m finally getting the help I always knew I needed but couldn’t put into words. Having other autistic people in my life is key to my happiness and having the right support is enabling me, slowly but surely, to build a life around me. Never again will I learn to ‘manage’ situations, rather I am learning to simply not have these ‘situations’ in my life in the first place. My work coach told me today, even if I’m still here (at the job centre) in 12 months time, it doesn’t matter, I’m working on what’s important to me and that’s all that matters and that she’ll continue to support me with that. Stay in touch with your new friend. It will make a huge difference in your life.