Published on 12, July, 2020
I perceive my brain and existence as a series of wiring trade-offs in terms of abilities. In an Aspie sense I am able to perform well in some contexts (for example, following theories, recognising patterns, lateral thinking etc) but poorly in others (such as small talk, perceiving the wants and needs of others when presented in certain ways that I can’t always read).
I am not overly clever but have been told that I can come across as aloof or arrogant and there are many articles on this particular trait in that we can come across as self interested and also narcissistic.
Maybe it is the way that I convey myself that creates the barrier?
“Aspies don't "make people uncomfortable" - remember, Aspies are people too, and they can also feel uncomfortable around people who are different to them. It isn't a one-way street from "weird" Aspies to uncomfortable "people": many people with Asperger's find the non-Aspie world weird and a source of discomfort. You could just as easily ask: What are the most common reasons why NTs (non-Aspies) unknowingly make people with Asperger's uncomfortable?Neurotypicals (NTs, i.e. non-Aspies) often feel uncomfortable around Aspies because Aspies and NTs have different styles of communication, and NTs expect Aspies to conform to their style of communication. They are not used to Aspie communication styles and do not know how to interpret it - or rather, they interpret it as though it was NT communication, and often draw very negative (and incorrect) conclusions from it.
NTs tend to use a lot of indirect, non-verbal, implied communication. They "hint" rather than state outright what they want. They expect you to know or to guess what you are supposed to do and say. And they have a lot of elaborate social and emotional ritual and they spend lots of time in social interaction just engaged in these rituals. Direct communication is often viewed as rude or arrogant.”
https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-common-reasons-why-Aspies-unknowingly-make-people-uncomfortable
Now, I’d like to think that I am a multi faceted being...so there maybe many elements of my being that cause offence!
What, for you creates the “gulf of understanding”?
As a child I could never understand how the other children could be friends one day and enemies the next, be kind to someone to their face but slag them off to others behind their back, or lie so well and so frequently. I was really put off the idea of mixing with them because they all seemed so unpredictable and unpleasant. Over the years I realised that some were nicer than others, and it wasn't fair to assume all were bad, but rarely managed to find the motivation to try to bridge the gap. Efforts to do so often fell flat anyway.
As an adult I'm now OK at socialising on a superficial level, and will wait and see whether a person is friendly or not instead of just assuming they're not. But I neither want nor need to get really close to anyone except my family. I used to open up more in church, because I thought the people there were more accepting, but have had some bad experiences even there.
I know that it comes across as arrogant and superior. I wish it were possible to remain mostly isolated without it being perceived as an insult by others, because no insult is intended. I'm just tired of being hurt and of offending others because I didn't understand situations until too late. If a neurotypical person could really understand that fact, and accept it, AND not try to sort it out or push me to get out more, I think that would be a big step forward.