Struggling to understand how to live with my problems

Tray said:

I think deep down I've just became a horrible person just so I can feel like its my choice.

No, you haven't become a horrible person. Absolutely not. You are just struggling with the mask issue. How to 'mask'...sounds like it's sort of necessary in your line of work and yet the communication difference is evident throughout all you are saying. And er, yes a 'mask' is your choice. Not 'make it feel' like it's your choice, but genuinely is and absolutely should be your choice - and no choice you make on that score is wrong. You have options:

1) Learn more about how to pass as NT. It sounds like you have a friend and champion who might help. You can study NT communication skills and body language in books. You can construct and refine a mask and wear it when you need. But you are aware that there is a personal cost to you...yes, you are tired trying and your anxiety will elevate.

2) Live without a mask. It is your God given right to be who you are; raw and unedited. You are not a bad person just because others struggle to handle your truth. But there is a cost. Your will find acceptance, but you will find rejection too - and sometimes jobs etc hang on that.

3) cultivate a hybrid position between the two. Know when you are masking and when not and why. That isn't ideal in all situations but at least gives you some power and control.

Beyond that, it sounds to me that a) you need more mates who get what you get the way that you get it. What common interest groups have you got near you? What groups for other autistic people?

It also sounds to me that you need b) some proper career advice. Not getting your quals first time around isn't a barrier to doing in the second time around. Bar work may be keeping the wolf from the door, but it isn't where you are supposed to be. There will be jobs out there that will give the upside of your autism room to flourish. You need guidance to find it.

But "horrible person" you are NOT. Chuck that idea in the bin where it belongs. :-)

Was reading this and my heart ached....i truly hope everything is better Trey. Im a mom of an ASD teen and i believe hes having some of the same issues as you. You sound like a fantastic young man and people should learn patience and that everybodys different, thats what sets your awesomeness apart from the rest!!!

Although I was only diagnosed last year in my mid-fifties, I have always felt like an outsider & was systematically bullied or ridiculed at school for many years by almost everyone.

After I left school though, I decided that I was not going to let that happen again & started to deliberately learn to become a chameleon of sorts. In many ways people are just puzzles to be solved, so once I had sorted out the ones who are worth making the effort for, it wasn't too hard to analyse their motivations & adjust my personality to better fit in.

I was already reasonably good at reading whether people were likely to be hostile anyway from my previous experiences at school, so  monitoring whether I was making a good impression was similar to ensuring that I wasn't creating a bad one.

Over the years I got much better at blending in & now can read non-verbal signals fairly easily, as well as almost pass for 'normal'. Reading body language etc, is a lot like mathematical pattern matching & can vary from person to person. As you get to know someone better, you can recognise that a particular verbal or facial expression is usually associated with a given mood & act accordingly. It also helps that I seem to have a constant monologue in my head that analyses other people's actions & then comments on them telling me what to do next.

I used to think that everyone managed social interactions a bit like that, but more recently have realised that it is some form of deliberately learned behaviour on my part, rather than any natural or innate ability.

Rather than viewing NTs as potential sources of irritation, why not try viewing interacting with them as a video game where the people are the puzzles to be solved before you can move on to the next level. I apologise if that sounds overly simplistic, I tend to relate everything to computers as it is the easiest way to describe how I approach the subject.

Take care & I hope things start to improve for you soon.

Fist of all Hello. You haven't given yourself a name instead of a number yet so Hello will have to do. You had such a lot to say and I can hear your exhaustion and frustration. the main areas you spoke about  were your exhaustion, not liking your current job, forming different types of friendships. Well you have certainly come to one place where there are many of us with similar issues. The best suggestion i can make is that you take your time to read around the forum to see what has already been said in each of these areas. If you type into the search area each of the things you would like to know about i think you will find a lot of information and tips. I don't come on the forum very much now and that is mainly due to exhaustion not lack of interest. I know there are threads on Burn out and Shutdowns , Im sure there will will be others on jobs and friendships. One tip which is both helpful and frustrating is know what you are interested in and then develop it so that it may lead to a job but even if it doesn't its something to focus on other than your problems. . maybe you are too tired outside of work to have any interests but as Robert says If you can it is important  to get out even a little bit so that you see things other than your job and your room. quite a few people on the forum like green space walking.. find a park or trees or country lanes , art, photography all of which allow you to notice things in new ways and are quite calming absorbing things to do. You are not alone in reaching a low point in your life with many questions about the future and how to make the best of your life. Unfortunately I don't think there are any answers. Just accept that you do one bit at a time and take one day at a time and even if you need to a few hours at a time and slowly but surely this is one key to getting through daily life. Folk on the forum have at a low ebb tried to encourage each other to think of 3 good things they have done each day... but if that is too hard you can break it down into 1 good thing each day or 3 good things that week and in that way you will know that not everything is bad and that even in the bad times there is usually something, however small, which is good or to be grateful for. It can be personal care, like I did manage to get out of bed, brush my teeth and wash today, to being grateful your friend has kept you in work and your earned your wages or even the sky was blue and the birds were singing.. you see it can be anything.. I do find this helps a lot even if we have to be reminded to do it!   

Welcome.  I understand much of what you're saying, having similar experiences.  I never fit in or belong to groups.  It is hard and reading other people's body language and intentions is impossible.

I also, am just surviving.  And hardly able to cope with another day.

I avoid sitting alone and brooding.  I go out every day.  Get some fresh air and see other people's problems.