Published on 12, July, 2020
Honestly I don't really know what to say or where to begin, I just know I need to say something somewhere or I will finally go mad. I have Asperger's syndrome I don't think of it as that bad in my eyes I feel normal the things I say the way I talk to people I feel are normal, as I get older it seems to be increasingly more obvious this isn't the case I say things people find rude that I have not a single clue why it is such an issue so much so I think deep down I've just became a horrible person just so I can feel like its my choice. I've become so used to people just not liking me I think I've stopped liking new people I meet which usually results in them definitely not liking me. I just wish I could tell people this maybe then they'd understand give me a chance I'm nice when you get through the walls I've created.
I work at this job at the moment terrible pay and I hate it I work at weddings as a waiter/bartender having social issues like mine its a constant struggle trying to make sure I don't say the wrong thing its so tiring, id love to find a new job but I physically cannot make eye contact with people it makes me feel horrid so I struggle in interviews. I only have this job as my friend is a manager id have already been fired twice over if not for him, I don't know what to do I don't have great grades or anything redeeming to stand out to interviewers I'm honestly just not very good at anything I've struggled with motivation and depression issues all my life that atop the autism there's not a lot that screams hire me, I just don't know what to do I don't want to be stuck doing the same job that's killing me all my life, I don't want to have to say I'm autistic and be the workplaces quota
I feel isolated, I've no clue how to talk to anyone, I just talk rubbish non stop or say nothing at all, I'm not interesting I've no clue how to flirt I've no clue how to notice when someone is interested honestly its got to a point where I'm lonely constantly but id rather that than have to try talk to someone and have not a clue what to do or what they want. I understand forming a relationship is hard for people without my issues but with them its like putting the level up 300x harder like I cant be bothered for that, I cant even understand basic rhetorical questions let alone someone subtly trying to flirt.
I could go on forever but what would be the point, I'm just so tired, I just wish I knew what to do how to deal, wish I could tell someone some of the darker stuff going on in this mind, I just don't know how long I can live a life like this I don't know how far I can get , I hate everything about this world its people its places even myself, I wish I could just understand how people just live and be normal, I just spend everyday with everyone hating me for things I don't understand maybe I deserve to be hated I'm probably that horrid hell I know I am, I just feel like a zombie or an alien or something dead or just not belonging
I think id just like to understand how other people with autism get through some of the problems I've stated or just how they get through their own day to day lives it might help I don't even know
Tray said:I think deep down I've just became a horrible person just so I can feel like its my choice.
No, you haven't become a horrible person. Absolutely not. You are just struggling with the mask issue. How to 'mask'...sounds like it's sort of necessary in your line of work and yet the communication difference is evident throughout all you are saying. And er, yes a 'mask' is your choice. Not 'make it feel' like it's your choice, but genuinely is and absolutely should be your choice - and no choice you make on that score is wrong. You have options:
1) Learn more about how to pass as NT. It sounds like you have a friend and champion who might help. You can study NT communication skills and body language in books. You can construct and refine a mask and wear it when you need. But you are aware that there is a personal cost to you...yes, you are tired trying and your anxiety will elevate.
2) Live without a mask. It is your God given right to be who you are; raw and unedited. You are not a bad person just because others struggle to handle your truth. But there is a cost. Your will find acceptance, but you will find rejection too - and sometimes jobs etc hang on that.
3) cultivate a hybrid position between the two. Know when you are masking and when not and why. That isn't ideal in all situations but at least gives you some power and control.
Beyond that, it sounds to me that a) you need more mates who get what you get the way that you get it. What common interest groups have you got near you? What groups for other autistic people?
It also sounds to me that you need b) some proper career advice. Not getting your quals first time around isn't a barrier to doing in the second time around. Bar work may be keeping the wolf from the door, but it isn't where you are supposed to be. There will be jobs out there that will give the upside of your autism room to flourish. You need guidance to find it.
But "horrible person" you are NOT. Chuck that idea in the bin where it belongs. :-)