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Family still don’t understand me

NAS37688

hi I’m a newbie here, self diagnosed high functioning autism about three months ago, but it’s been there my whole life.(I’m 30). My parents agree, it all fits so I’m now waiting on a referral that diagnose with NHS.

my problem just now is that my ASD has got me into trouble again and I don’t know what to do. A very tiny irritation on Saturday at my parents house has exploded into a family feud, two members aren’t talking to me. I said something truthful blunt and (now I know) inappropriate to try and explain myself. Then tensions rose very quickly and my own parent started to get aggressive and confrontational, calling me a liar, said that I manipulate others. They said things like “you’re always like this, you do this every time” and when I said give me examples as I can’t understand why you’re saying this, they wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.

As it stands I won’t speak to them first as I am adamant they should be apologetic to me for their behaviour and suggesting that I have ever manipulated anyone. I am completely incapable of this, I don’t lie because I can’t, and have frequently had problems in my life because of other people doing that to me. So it’s a stalemate. I hate this as it’s making me ill, I can’t sleep or eat. I just can’t undertand how two people think so little of me, and believe I’m something I’m not?

how do I get them to understand that my lack of tact was the issue, but that they shouldn’t have behaved the way they did towards me? Or do I properly cut them off like they’re trying to do to me? Sorry for the long message, I have nowhere else to vent.

Parents

  • Lacking tact is a commonly known feature of autism, so maybe they should understand that, but they're feeling hurt. I don't think it's true that autistic people can't lie or even manipulate people. Plus sometimes you can speak your version of the truth, but it's one possible interpretation among several.

    Asking for examples is reasonable, particularly if they say 'every time'. Every time what? You could also ask them for a positive alternative way to behave. Should you apologise (hoping for an apology back)? What do the family members who are talking to you think about it?

  • in reply to Cassandro

    Maybe it’s not a general trait but it’s certainly one of mine, I’ve never been able to lie and count that as a quality. And I don’t understand how anyone manipulates others so again not something I can do. But yes maybe I’m being misunderstood, it hurts though when it’s people who claim to know me best that show they clearly don’t, or have said spiteful things just to hurt me.

    i have no idea what they are expecting, the only other times this kind of thing has happened in the past, it was all swept under the rug but this time I’m adamant I can’t let it go.

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  • in reply to Cassandro

    Maybe it’s not a general trait but it’s certainly one of mine, I’ve never been able to lie and count that as a quality. And I don’t understand how anyone manipulates others so again not something I can do. But yes maybe I’m being misunderstood, it hurts though when it’s people who claim to know me best that show they clearly don’t, or have said spiteful things just to hurt me.

    i have no idea what they are expecting, the only other times this kind of thing has happened in the past, it was all swept under the rug but this time I’m adamant I can’t let it go.

Children
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