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Family still don’t understand me

NAS37688

hi I’m a newbie here, self diagnosed high functioning autism about three months ago, but it’s been there my whole life.(I’m 30). My parents agree, it all fits so I’m now waiting on a referral that diagnose with NHS.

my problem just now is that my ASD has got me into trouble again and I don’t know what to do. A very tiny irritation on Saturday at my parents house has exploded into a family feud, two members aren’t talking to me. I said something truthful blunt and (now I know) inappropriate to try and explain myself. Then tensions rose very quickly and my own parent started to get aggressive and confrontational, calling me a liar, said that I manipulate others. They said things like “you’re always like this, you do this every time” and when I said give me examples as I can’t understand why you’re saying this, they wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.

As it stands I won’t speak to them first as I am adamant they should be apologetic to me for their behaviour and suggesting that I have ever manipulated anyone. I am completely incapable of this, I don’t lie because I can’t, and have frequently had problems in my life because of other people doing that to me. So it’s a stalemate. I hate this as it’s making me ill, I can’t sleep or eat. I just can’t undertand how two people think so little of me, and believe I’m something I’m not?

how do I get them to understand that my lack of tact was the issue, but that they shouldn’t have behaved the way they did towards me? Or do I properly cut them off like they’re trying to do to me? Sorry for the long message, I have nowhere else to vent.

  • in reply to Cassandro

    It’s too much of a mouthful aswell. Although when I told my friends I was on the spectrum they didn’t believe me, so I had to explain how everyone is so different and I’ve just hidden behind coping mechanisms my whole life.

    no there isn’t anyone, there wasn’t one person who I tried to contact thinking they would stay neutral but they’ve ignored me. It’s all so strange.

    thank you all for responding. I’ve learned some things! I think I’m going to leave things on my side and just have to wait it out. I just wish I could have a drama free existence

  • in reply to NAS37688

    A lot of older terms are still in use in some way or another so aren't outright faux pasas far as I'm concerned, but I generally just say 'autistic' now to be PC: http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1362361315588200 'High-functioning autism' I think has not diagnostic definition and can mean any number of things depending on the service provider using it ('IQ of over 70', 'living independently', 'not needing support' etc. People should say what they mean.)

    Well done for making the first move towards reconciliation. Is there anyone on that side of the family you can talk to about it? A simple, direct formula for assertiveness is:

    You did X
    I felt Y
    I would rather you did Z (please)

  • in reply to NAS37760

    See I’m still new to this and was told to call it high functioning-and that aspergers is now not acceptable? So I can’t win! Haha, someone tell me the etiquette!

    I have apologised for my part but they still won’t get back to me. I don’t know what else I can do that isn’t taking it all on myself. They’ve always been terrible at criticism especially my mother, and never apologise. The last fall out with me resulted in a two month period of no communication. My anxiety has been relentless as I have no clues anymore on what to do. 

    Would quite happily take my other half and children and escape abroad if we had the chance :) 

  • Hi. I'm a recently retired, recently diagnosed Aspie (68) ... after a lifetime of un-subtlety at last I now know why! HOWEVER as an Aspie I realise I am in the 1% of society, which means that 99% are not. That means that the only person in any room which knows anything about Aspergers is ME! So forget others understanding, they won't and they can't; so you have to do all the adaption!!! So 'they' will always see your indiscretions as rudeness, bad behaviour and similar ... only you know that it is not obvious to you that these actions are offensive or inappropriate. Fortunately you are in the High Functioning spectrum, because you are able to use that magnificent brain to become over-cautious to compensate. Apologies cost little; be the one who makes them. If you said something which you think might be interpreted wrongly, then apologise in case it was. If you pick up any signals (at all!) then apologise. By all means explain your an Aspie, but don't use the term 'high functioning autism', because that sounds like showing-off ... and believe it or not that is also offensive ... 

    Be (very) pleased to have a super-power, but like Clark Kent, don't wear it in public.  :-) Ian

  • in reply to Cassandro

    Maybe it’s not a general trait but it’s certainly one of mine, I’ve never been able to lie and count that as a quality. And I don’t understand how anyone manipulates others so again not something I can do. But yes maybe I’m being misunderstood, it hurts though when it’s people who claim to know me best that show they clearly don’t, or have said spiteful things just to hurt me.

    i have no idea what they are expecting, the only other times this kind of thing has happened in the past, it was all swept under the rug but this time I’m adamant I can’t let it go.

  • Lacking tact is a commonly known feature of autism, so maybe they should understand that, but they're feeling hurt. I don't think it's true that autistic people can't lie or even manipulate people. Plus sometimes you can speak your version of the truth, but it's one possible interpretation among several.

    Asking for examples is reasonable, particularly if they say 'every time'. Every time what? You could also ask them for a positive alternative way to behave. Should you apologise (hoping for an apology back)? What do the family members who are talking to you think about it?