Bullying - With Experience

LOL, I had almost forgotten about the 'Never use a toilet in Break Time' rule. Toilets are enclosed spaces with only one entrance/exit, with far too many awful things that bullies can do if you are cornered there. If I needed the toilet, I would always wait until the middle of a lesson, then ask to be excused.

I wasn't just targeted by a few bullies at my school though, there were too many to count & I would often get picked on by total strangers for no reason whatsoever, other than that I was some sort of scapegoat for the entire school.

It's almost impossible to properly describe to people just how bad it was. I had to be constantly vigilant for any signs of ambush, but my hearing has always been hypersensitive so I generally relied on that for advance warning.

That feeling of constantly being on the lookout for danger has never left me though, as well the feeling that no matter how hard I try to fit in, I will always be an outsider.

Nowadays, I am very good at wearing masks & blending in, but still haunted by the fear that if I say or do the wrong thing, I might find myself back in the same situation again.

Yes. I was bullied. I do think a better school will intervene. They did on the county I first grew up on. They were very good indeed about that. The county my family had moved to were of the attitude it was the fault of the one being bullied and when I started secondary school it was, up to a point: I was having trouble dealing with hormones and puberty and acting out a lot. That was not the case later on, so many at that school were just vicious. Even the headmaster had a go at me in front of the whole school oncebut I talked back at him a couple of years later. He could have expelled me for all I cared by then.

As for adult bullies, that is why ultimately I felt would be better to be self employed. Now that I am a subcontractee less often it is a lot better - no office politics, except for the one part-time post!!!!! I worked part-time in a bookshop in my twenties and that was one of the worst situations: she seemed to love humiliating me in front of customers. She was also very good at playing the Victimised card herself if ever she was criticised her though: 'you just don't like our cultural style and you are prejudiced'

When I was at school I was bullied a lot, verbally and often physically, especially at primary school. It wasn't just me, there was a roving "gang" of several bullies who would pick on any easy target, individually or collectively, mostly on smaller children and loners. There wasn't much supervision on the playground, only one teacher, and she had to patrol a large area. It was easy for them to corner their intended victim until she had moved out of sight. I realise it would have been possible to call for help, but at the time I (or whoever it was) was under threat of even worse to come if we didn't keep quiet.

Advice such as "ignore them" was worse than useless. The bullies often actually sought us out, and could run faster than me. "Talk to them" was also useless, they weren't in a listening mood. Threatening to tell the teacher did, indeed, often provoke more of the same. The worst punishment the teachers were willing to inflict was suspension, but it didn't deter the really hard core bullies. Their parents didn't care much, and I remember some actually boasting that to get a day or two off school they just had to beat someone up.

In the absence of any better ideas, I got very good at hiding, and at climbing trees right to the top. But the only permanent solution I ever found was to grow up and leave the school.

(This is my own technical note, nothing to do with the topic of this Thread. For some reason, I was signed out and had to sign in again with the Post still here in order to Post that last, there.)

(I am not changing the subject.)

I am still voting every reply up and Thanking all of them (all of you, Thanks!). This is my own latest contribution, here.

When at school, I had to learn "Bladder Control", so as not to be 'cornered in the toilets' by bullies. I might wonder why schools to this day, are not aware of this very old trick...

Regardless of that, Some other things that almost always work with "bullies" is to FLATTER or to IMPRESS them. It is tricky to do this without getting involved with them ("Do you want to do what I do?" then says the Bully, sort of thing)... yet it IS possible.

This is at school again. I just happen to be "Great" (...) at Art and at using Computers. Once, a girl who was a constant bully of mine, saw some art that I did and she said: "Hey, you may be stupid and strange all of the time but you are really good at THAT, that is a GREAT picture!" 

... But because she was a Bully, I simply stared at her, incomprehendingly...! She stepped away, returning my "strange stare" at her... but she never picked upon me after that. That was one of THE weirdest points in my (school) life, and I should never forget it.

Was bullied at school basically as I was nerdy, a 'goody two shoes' and lacked social skills. I wasn't diagnosed as ASD until 30. Was told to ignore the bullies by my parents, which didn't work. They still did it and I still felt bad. Telling stopped it.

I started a few primary school, and just got in fights for years,
I made my two friends in my 5th primary school which helped me see that I didn't need to lash out needlessly to get attention, those few years were great,
Then came high school, lost the friends i had, and had to start again- the change tipped me. People noticed my insecurity and jumped on it, I dealt with it by getting in fights again (which I'm scarily good at, considering i don't like it.) - I got the attention in high school through this, but wanted more, so started the persona i felt i needed, by being the people i hated, I was horrible to other people (I was a bully). I kept it up for a month, it broke me inside. I hated myself, and other's, I stopped, I couldn't keep it up, it was a lot of effort and with the schools pressure on exams, and the school's headmaster and teachers getting swapped around constantly cs' of ofsted.

My little sister started at the same highschool, i stopped fighting and being the bully and made "real" friends.
Little sister started getting bullied, and I still held true, and didn't revert back to fighting and being horrible. I used my head instead, outplaying my sisters' bullys with intelligence, seemed to do the job better.
After my sister left to be homeschooled as bullying wasn't going away for her, the target seemed to shift to me, who wasn't fighting anymore, and getting really high marks, and came off sort of strange.

I passed my GCSE's easily, even with Mental health problems (8 years later, is Stress induced psychosis.  Likely cs' of my autism -which is now also diagnosed 7 years later) 
I didn't want to change my life again, i stayed for 6th form, the bullying kept up till' i left- I had to leave eventually, cs' i was being swapped on different anti psychotics, and kept getting very ill.

Left 6th form, took a year to get myself together, I tried College instead, bullied the same day i joined- was horrible, trying to hold back from going into the persona, and beating people up. The frustration to fit in, but not being able to do it, without hating myself and doing stuff i didn't like, wasn't all that great. I left (obviously).

This was a year or three ago now, I'm doing - I guess, a hell of a lot better than i was then. My mum always said people would appreciate the kindness and compassion i had, and i didn't need to be some person i wasn't just to fit in. I didn't believe her tbh. 

I've got people now in my life, who love me, no matter what i say or do- I feel i don't need to put on my persona as much anymore. I only really do it in social situations where i feel really stressed, like an instinct reaction to more than 2 people i don't know.

I should have mentioned that I also became adept at runnung away, but not until year three of my five years of hell. I was the youngest in my year, so when I started secondary school I was still very much a kid & not that tall. By the start of the third year though, my height genes had finally begun to kick in, so I quickly became the tallest in my class & could easily outrun any of the bullies, as well as hurdle obstacles, or quickly descend staircases without touching most of the stairs.

Sadly I can't run & jump like that any more, as my fast metabolism finally slowed down in my 30s. All that beer & chocolate has caused me to slow down proportionately to my waist size ;-)

Running away works great for kids at school. I was a fantastic runner at school and won several running races because of the bullies I was always having to run away from so I wouldn't get beaten up. Since I had been advanced ahead of my age group, I was actually younger and smaller than everyone in my level, so being able to run faster than them was significant.

However, it's not possible to run away from a workplace bully without losing your job or giving up your entire career. Whereas school bullies would at least try to avoid doing their stuff in front of a teacher, workplace bullies tend to engage in public humiliation with complete impunity. It's really bad when one of the bullies is one's direct manager.

There are other ways to deal with Bullies, no matter what their age. I appreciate suggestions, as per purpose of this Thread.

What always works is to "confuse" them.

If they are Children, I use a long/uncommon word: E.G. "You are nothing but supporting AntiDisEstablishmenTarianism!", or "Go Away, or I shall use my Metronome Attack!"

If they are Adults, I still Run, or I fallback upon my own Knowledge: "Do you know the Neutron Total of the Fluoro-Carbonates which you are about to inflict upon me?"... and while they are figuring out what I said... *then*  I run away!

For simple people (???), I turn my back, and watch them out of the corner of an eye. I do not know why this works, but it is as if "Eye Contact" is a very very big TRIGGER. In a way, this supports the "Ignoring" business, but it does not always work.

...This last Post seems like "Waffle", but it is more of what I meant by asking for experiences to be Posted here, Please.

Good Fortune to all who may read.

Me again... :-)

I write a THANK YOU VERY MUCH to all (four) who have written so far, Fuschia, DragonCat16, Otis, and Pirate Santa. I voted all of you up, even though only 3 are allowed to be shown underneath the "Starter" Post.

This Thread was begun as a  "Vent", and for "Venting". I am glad of the replies. As I said, share an experience and add hindsight and/or advice, if possible. I began this Thread because I was truly fed up of seeing it Started, yet then the Starter does not continue it... this is a Common thing: E.G. - "I have a child who is being bullied, help!", and then advice is Posted... and then... that starter Posts nothing after that, ever.

Here is more from myself. It seems to be true that "Bullying" is a thing which has little solution. Even as an Adult, I am still harrassed even by Children no taller than my own arm (!), but I am not allowed to avoid/escape/defend against it. (Hence my UserName.) The main thing I learnt to do is to RUN AWAY, for this surprises any of them and by the time they have figured out what to do... I am too far away for them to do it!

I'm not sure whether I was targetted by bullies for being on the Spectrum since my schooldays were in the 1970's & I was only diagnosed last year. I have always been pretty much a pacifist & regarded bullies as little more than savages. I might not have fought back physically, but I warned them that they would be punished afterward as I would report them & did so on many occasions.

Unfortunately, this escalated the problem dramatically, as the bullies seemed to think that was cheating somehow. The school I attended had no official bullying policy (it was the 1970s!), so whilst the direct physical attacks decreased, I had to endure five years of indirect warfare on a massive scale as my parents would not allow me to change schools either.

Needless to say this experience warped the rest of my life, causing various mental health problems that have always haunted me. For the last few years I have been suffering quite badly from depression & had many sessions with counsellors & therapists. In retrospect, it seems clear that amongst other things the school caused me to develop PTSD, since even after forty years, I still display many of the associated traits.

With regard to bullying of children, this should always be resolved by the adults responsible for their care in the given context, as it is completely wrong to blame the child. As for the idea that being bullied is part of growing up & somehow 'Develops Character' that I heard a politician claim fairly recently, there simply arent enough words in the English language to describe the ignorance of such views.

Hard to think of a 'Silver Lining' from my school experiences, but at least it made me extremely resistant to bullying attempts in the workplace, as these are usually resolved verbally & I can defend myself quite well in that arena.

You almost expect to be bullied at school. Anyone perceived as even slightly different is treated like that by other children. If teachers are competent and nip it in the bud right away, it minimises the damage, but of course that rarely happens. When I was going to school, I was bullied by the teachers on more than one occasion as well. Of course, that made it open season for the other kids to bully me and beat me up, and then when I got home I'd be punished again because of the report that got sent home that I was causing trouble at school. Fun times.....

When one grows up, one expects that having to take that kind of behaviour from other adults is in the past. That is not the case. The damage done by adult bullies is worse than being bullied as a kid, even if violence was involved in the latter case. As someone who has experienced both, I know.

However, I think that being bullied as a kid makes one expect it as an adult, and therefore the victim has no defense against it (not to mention a lack of social skills because of being on the spectrum), so the victim just ignores it until it becomes too much. Then, if the victim stands up for him/herself, everyone else criticises the victim instead of the bully. After all, the bully has some social status and the victim is nobody. That's why that person is the victim in the first place. That is the way some neurotypicals are. They don't even realise that someone else's behaviour is unfair to another person. That is why there are many more bullies per capita among neurotypicals than among people on the spectrum.

As for what to do about it, I have no idea what the solution is. Some people in the States come up with the solution to get a gun and to shoot everyone because they just can't take it anymore, but that's not a very good solution, though I can identify with being driven to that level of frustration and soul-destruction. Other than that, I have no idea, unless someone comes up with a law against workplace bullying in this country (there isn't one), and moreover, such a law is enforced (better than discrimination laws are enforced).The first may happen (it has happened in many other countries), but the second just won't happen, ever, because when it comes down to it, nobody really cares. That's for the really obvious bullying.

But what stops bullies in the workplace from causing subtle emotional damage that adds up over time and ends up slowly destroying someone? Peer pressure, perhaps. If there were individuals in the workplace trained to recognise bullying behaviour, or if everyong were given such training, perhaps bullying and bullies would be seen as they are: an antisocial menace, rather than a popular person worthy of admiration for putting that nasty unpopular person in their place (and wasn't that entertaining and funny when they did that - let's all have a laugh at someone else's expense). Of course, people have to actually care and actually pay attention to the training.

I don't think there is an answer. I have tried everything, except shooting up a place, of course. Nothing works. Nobody cares. Unless someone else stands up for a bully victim, they are going to keep getting bullied.

I was badly bullied by another employee in  one job. I couldn't deal with her at all and after she verbally attacked me in front of other people one afternoon I finished the shift and never went back. I didn't even realise I was being bullied - i happened to read an article about bullying a few weeks later and realised what had been happening. She was so clever at it, I just thought, because of her constant criticism etc, .that I  was useless at my job. I'm afraid I don't have anything positive to end with except to say that I think I would recognize what was going on if it happened again and be more able to stand up for myself.